Meh

Amazing how three little letters can sum up the way you are feeling, or not feeling at this point.
So much has been going on and I’m just tired.

I am not sure what normal looks like for us. See I had an idea of what life was supposed to be, and I have to tell you that by the time I was 36 I expected to be in a very different place, instead I feel like we have to start all over again, and I feel like it’s my fault. Like if I had been better and closer and more of the man God wanted me to be and less the guy that has to control things then God could have used me for more that I would be where I am supposed to be and my family would be better off for it.

I asked on my face-book status what normal was well I’m really not sure what normal is any more. I know what I thought it was, I just pray God will allow His normal to be here soon and that we are willing to walk those steps.

More

I know I know, before you all decide to ride me out of my blog on a rail kicking and screaming I am sorry for not posting in a while. When Old man winter, which I must say is a misnomer, I am not aware of many old men who can give as much energy as the snow that we have been a part of in the past three weeks finally let us go it was after a week of being stuck in Western MD with not a wifi signal in site.

Things in the Newell house are progressing quite well, J is back home as are both girls and while I did have that time where there was no one around and I was ready to burn my eyes out from the sheer boredom of being stuck in a house surrounded by snow I am pretty emotionally shot. The ups and downs of the past two years are huge and there are times when I want to crawl in a hole cover it up and wait for the world to stop spinning.

1 Corinthians 10:13 (The Message)
No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.

As I read that passage I must admit I have to question God’s definition of my limit. I am faced with some decisions that are just not fun this coming off the absolute most horrid trying awful time of my life.

Tonight something happened though that made me look at this verse in a different light. I decided to make brownies after I made dinner, now I don’t know about you, but you but one of the best things about making brownies is eating the batter not the finished product. I will admit that there are times in our life when we have made brownies specifically for the batter not for the brownie. I gave Amberly the beater from the mixer, J had a bit off the spatula, and I gave Zoey a little spoon with some of it on there. Zoey went to the dining room ate her little bit of chocolate and then came back and said More. It was so cute and I gave her more. She came back again and I said oh do you want more? She said nope I’m done, and dropped the spoon in the sink.

What does that have to do with God knowing my limit? I think that God knows my limit but I also think that he wants me to recognize it as well. I think he wants to push me so I grow but I also think that He wants me to push back. He desires a relationship with me and I wonder sometimes if some of the pushing that God allows in our life is to make us push into him to talk to him to say Hey okay God I know you said you won’t give me more than I can handle but I wonder if you may have overlooked everything on my plate this week. Please help. Please stop, Please listen. See the pushing makes me realize enough is enough and drives me to a place of prayer and communication with him.

Stuck

I hate being stuck, in all of it’s forms being stuck just is not something I enjoy. I hate it when I get a song stuck in my head, I hate it when I’m stuck in a book because I really want to finish it but I just can’t get into it, I can’t stand it when I’m playing sudoku and I get stuck or when I get stuck at a crossword puzzle or when I’m playing a video game, but perhaps the absolute worst way to be stuck these days is to be stuck away from my family. I know what it is to be away from them and I hate every second of it.

I came home to clean the house and do some stuff that I wanted to do on Saturday, enter Snowmageddon or Snowpocolypse or whatever you want to call it. I was going to go get the family on Sunday but I couldn’t dig out because of my back, I thought it would be best to rest my back and try again today woke up with my back still hurting and with a cough. I am stuck in Gaithersburg and my family is Stuck in Oakland and I just miss them.

I know that I need to be safe, and that I need to make sure that I don’t do anything stupid, I have to be able to take care of my family when J gets home and if I’m unable to move or am sick I wont be able to do what needs to be done. Still I am a person that LIkes to do and I have to say all this having to not do because of being stuck just doesn’t work for me.

I think i’m supposed to learn to be anxious for nothing, I think i’m supposed to be content with what God is doing, I think I have to walk the steps he has chosen and leave more in HIs hands. I have been trying to learn that these past two years, and while I have to some extent I don’t think I ever really will learn it, I don’t think humanity is capable of learning all the things we need to learn. It’s why we are to walk with God and why we are to work on our salvation. It’s the part of our life with God that is the hardest. Being content, being open being calm and in Him moving and having our being in Him instead of our own brains and issues.

Snuggle Power

The girls finally got to come in and see J today for the first time in 17 days. This is huge and was quite emotional. Z was okay at first but did have a bit of adjustment and then when leaving had some difficulty. Amberly was great, however she does process things differently so it will be interesting to see where her brain goes in the coming days. J and I both got emotional when it started but wow how important these little people have become to our lives and happiness. J had a few doctors in and it was time for them to eventually bring her lunch so we decided to get food from the cafeteria to eat with her. Then PT came and she went for her excersises, Zoey got sad, climbed up in my lap and went to sleep, I tried to get Amberly to sleep as well but that wasn’t going to happen so her and grammy went for a walk. When J got back Z climbed up in the bed with her and snuggled.

There is a statue of limitations on every child's good humor and that limit had been reached when J went down to pt, so we were already over the limit. I went down and got Amberly’s homework, and my Oreo’s and kissed them and then came back up to the room with J. I told Zoey when she asked if I was coming home with them that she had sissy and Christie and grammy and that if I went with them who would stay with mommy, it was okay then that I stay with her.

When I got back to the room I began to think about this verse.

Title: The Message: The Bible in Contemporary Language
Edition: Third
Copyright: © 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson. All rights reserved.
Publisher: NavPress Publishing
Publisher Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado

Luke 18:15
People brought babies to Jesus, hoping he might touch them. When the disciples saw it, they shooed them off.

Luke 18:16
Jesus called them back. “Let these children alone. Don’t get between them and me. These children are the kingdom’s pride and joy.

I love verses where Jesus talks specifically about kids, and i know that this may not seem right because God is love and God is omniscient and omnipresent and all those things, but God created human beings for a reason. To have relationship with them, and while I know that God doesn’t NEED anything but he desires it he desired relationship. I like to think that one of the reasons that Jesus wanted the little children was because there is absolutely nothing like having my daughters in my lap hugging me and taking a nap, nothing like the snuggles of a child. It makes everything better. Jesus was God yes but Jesus was also human and humans crave contact and attention. I like the thought of Jesus giving his blessings to the children and of the children blessing Jesus with the smiles that only a kid can give, or the hugs, or the snuggles or the funny words or the eskimo kisses. The love and trust of a child in their parent is amazing and I am sure that the love and trust that children gave to Jesus did him just as much good as the blessings that he gave them.

Update time.

J is doing much better.

1. eating


2. all lines are out except the iv line for the antibiotics they are giving her


3. kidney’s are doing what they are supposed to and if that continues the numbers are going to be great


4. walking around


5. still have the antibiotics for at least one more night


6. Possible discharge tomorrow or friday to a rehab facility.


7. Aaron is very happy if a little bit tired.

On a side note the hospital Chef came in, yes hospitals have chef’s who knew, asked J what she wanted she said she wanted and he went down and made it for her specifically, that was so clue.

Guess who's back, back again

Here I am in case everyone was wondering whats gone on. Sorry for the delay.
J is doing much much better, those of you with her as a friend on facebook were treated to an update directly from here instead of from me, that was very important and made me smile when I saw it. I was in Gaithersburg, some of you have wondered how the interview went. It went well for what it was, I drove strait from Morgantown to the interview and while I wasn’t dressed the way I would for an interview they were very understanding. I just don’t know about it all.

This whole thing has shown me so much. I have spent the past two years building walls and digging ditches to keep God away from one area of my life. I think I threw him a bone by being the Children’s ministries coordinator. I know that sounds really bad but I realize I have. Living though this situation has given me a new perspective on so many things. There are some things that I will not compromise on. My family will always come first. I have done that the opposite way for so long that the new way of doing things is so very exciting for me, I really enjoy it actually even if this is the worst way to show proof of concept.

Last night J and I read Isaiah 40. Awesome chapter, everyone always points to the eagle part of the chapter and yea thats great but the part that grabbed me was at the beginning.

Title: The Message: The Bible in Contemporary Language
Edition: Third
Copyright: © 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson. All rights reserved.
Publisher: NavPress Publishing
Publisher Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado

Isaiah 40:2
“Speak softly and tenderly to Jerusalem,
but also make it very clear
That she has served her sentence,
that her sin is taken care of—forgiven!
She’s been punished enough and more than enough,
and now it’s over and done with.”

I love what this says it speaks so much to me about where things are now. I have never accepted that it’s over and done with. I can’t wait to see what God is going to do both in J and in me and in our girls. I can’t wait to see where we are going and what we are going to be doing. I can’t wait to see her walk out of this building on her own two legs, and I can’t wait to start the next phase of the Newell Saga, whatever that is going to be.

Update

1. J is in a regular room now and is talking very well, and moving around on her own.


2. She is hungry but can’t eat much as she gets full or tired or something


3. She’s frustrated and bored a good sign and a bad one


4. Kidney’s are doing better


5. Spiked a temperature last night


6. Not sleeping well at all


7. Removing the thing from her neck


8. Lungs look really great

So thats the update. Compared to where we were things are awesome. I keep thinking back to last week and the week before and praising God that J is alive and moving. Please pray for her to be able to get some sleep. Also pray for me not to get sick. I’m starting to feel pretty yucky which is not a good thing.