Dearest Facebook Friends

This has to be said.  I know that my blog posts to my Facebook page, at least it did before the change, and I'm pretty sure it still does, anyway, I have to say this.  

Facebook is like on gigantic open chat room, you remember those from way back in the day, and while I'm sure that people still use them Facebook is different, it offers all this and more and even gives us the ability to chat or text or im or whatever.  Anyway enough of the explanation. 

I wonder if we all think about what we are posting, or tweeting, or whatever.  I look at this as a place to connect with friends and find out what's going, and I have been or could be accused of, and rightly so, TMI.  I wonder at how I appear to some of my friends when they read some of the things I choose to chat about on my Facebook page,  does everyone really want to know about some of the mundane details of my every day life.  Do I need to know what you ate for supper, do you need to know what time I brushed my teeth last night? 

I spent a chunk of the summer on a trip across the country with my Mother in law and oldest daughter to help a cousin move.  As I look at my Facebook page I see check in's at some interesting places and some that are just where we were eating, and while I'm sure it helped my lovely wife to know where we were did everyone really need to know that? 

I wonder if people need to know when I'm having a bad day, or when someone makes me angry,  what about the ranting's about our car that still two years later isn't fixed.

I read friends posting things that have to do with their personal relationships or break ups or hook ups or whatever it is they are doing.  I see pictures that people put up and have to sit there and wonder what were they thinking,  I see pictures that I have up and I have to think "what was I thinking?" 

It reminds me of what we all do, well most of us do when we see someone in public that is dressed in an interesting way, or  is a bit larger than we think they should be. 

On Valentines Day I took my family to Buca Di Bepo and then the movies, as we sat there a guy and his girl came in and were sitting the next table over.  The girl kept looking at Jocelyn, couldn't take her eyes off of her really, what I should have done was say nothing what I did do was say loud enough for the guy to hear, after she made a comment to her boyfriend that she just couldn't stop looking at the baby,  I said sorry dude.  Why was I sorry I mean I knew what the looks she was giving him meant and that she wanted one, but still why did I feel it necessary to let that guy know I thought he was toast when it came to the just the two of them thing. 

Then there's the time that I saw a guy at the buffet in Ci Ci's carrying his significant others purse.  Out of my mouth comes awe dude it totally matches your outfit.  He almost spit on the food laughing but still why do I feel my opinion and observations matter so much,  Why do we all on Facebook feel that way. 

Do I need peer validation so much?  Do I think that everyone is interested in Aaron and all he has to say, am I that pathetic?  Are you?

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Meaningful Words

Something has been bothering me for a while now, and it started doing so again yesterday. I’m not very good at some words. I can take responsibility for things, I can admit I’m wrong, I can feel really awful about mistakes and choices, promises made and not kept, lies of omission, walling up my mind and heart, keeping people that I love and that love me at arms length. I can be repentant and sorrowful, I can do all these things, and in fact have, but there are these two words that I seem to have an issue with. I’m not sure why I have such a hard time saying them. The feelings are there the remorse is there, the desire for forgiveness is there, all of it but these two words just don’t come, and I’m not really sure why.

I wonder if it is because all of our lives we are told to say things even if the situation doesn’t merit it. We are told how to talk and how to look and how to sound. We are told what is right and what is wrong, what is respectful and what is… well not. We are told when we should be sorry and we are told to say it even if there is no real reason to. I have even found myself telling my children this even if there is no real reason for it. The words “just say you’re sorry” make those words seem cheap, and yet sometimes the words are necessary, its the coupling of the words with the actions that makes it really worth it. I like to think that I have been moving in the right direction with my actions, that I have been doing the things I need to, taking care of my family, keeping my heart in step with God’s heart, being open to whatever the next steps are. Still the words are very important and I need to work on that as well.

I’m sorry, sorry for blocking you out of my life, sorry for the times I’ve lied, sorry for the times I’ve squandered your trust. I’m sorry for not being the Man that God made me to be, I’m sorry that I have fallen short of the guy that was so on fire all those years ago. I’m sorry for my temper, and for not thinking before I speak. I’m sorry for hurting your feelings, and for going silent, I’m sorry that I have not looked at you as my team mate. Most of all I’m sorry for not realizing that the words are important and that you need them and that I need them too. I’m sorry for not saying I love you enough, and for not telling you how awesome you are and how good you really do look. I’m sorry for putting others before you.

It’s funny how I have taken so much for granted in my life. It’s also sad.

I guess the important thing about this particular post is that it’s an admission to myself that I still have such a long way to go. I still am being molded and shaped into something. I want my thoughts and feelings and musings to mean something not just to me but to the people who read them. I want them to help. I would venture a guess that most of us can relate to portions of this post. The thing is the meaningful words are not always I’m Sorry, those just happen to be the ones that I have issues with, for some they could be I love you, or your special, or I need you, or Help me.

More than anything this post seems to be turning into some strange DR Phil moment but it’s not meant to. If you know what your meaningful words are, and if you have been stingy with them, why not take them out and let them see the light of day. Say them to the person that needs them, and then back them up with actions.

Embrace the Random

I've been trying something out on Facebook the past few days,  I am writing about it here to see if anyone catches some of it.   30 days of randomness is a new initiative put out by yours truly.  It's actually a pretty simple concept at some point during the day I will post whatever is in my head at that moment.  This has ranged from numbers to phrases to movie quotes to books of the Bible.  I am interested in seeing what else will come from my brain in the next few days.  What's it all about though?  I guess I'm wondering where my random thoughts go from day to day, then I want to see if there is some pattern that I can identify.  I wonder how many of the random thoughts will have a spiritual significance, or a pop cultural one, or a familial one.  It is going to be interesting to see where my thoughts were at a given moment on a given day.  Will my political bent come out, will my freakish trivial knowledge win out, or will there be more spiritual things coming to mind?  I also wonder if all those things are intertwined.  So there you have it.  30 days of randomness.  I am interested in several different things when it comes to this project not the least of which is what people may think or what they may say.

Ah well that's about enough of my rambling for the day.  Enjoy the rest of yours.

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Oldies and Goodies

Memories are very interesting beasts, allot can go wrong when you rely on memories, and a whole lot can go wrong when you choose to live in memories.  It's not all bad though.  Sometimes memories are good things that can bring a smile to your face and a song to your heart... wow that sounded sappy sorry about that. 

The thing that triggers memories for me more than anything would have to be music.  Music has always been an important part of my life.  From sneaking contraband cassettes into my room and listening to them clandestinely on my Walkman to blaring music in my Plymouth horizon and the slide out blaupunkt system that was probably worth more than the car, I always have something playing. 

What really amazes me is that I can turn on my tablet and have tons of songs to choose from, there are 21415 songs on my ipod, Music is really important to me.

This week I've been listening to some of the music that I used to listen too as a teen.  One very distinct memory is my buddy Ron and I riding down Belmont Ave toward my cousins house listening to The Allies.  What has stuck with me are interesting side notes,  We were listening to CD's on a boom box.  so yea you had to hold real still so it wouldn't skip.  It was a station wagon and he was using the cruise control to drive and made a comment about loving to drive with his thumbs.  Who knows why those things stick with me they just do, and I'm sure he won't remember those details but he may remember the car and I'm sure he remembers the music that we all listened too. Weather on the bus going to retreats, or in cars going to play lazertag at 2 AM or fill in the blank with any number of the things we did. 

Of course those memories bring back even more memories,  skating at champion roller rink, shouting at houses out the bus windows on youth outings, going to the dice family camp ground and swimming, the mall with my old best friend Nick who just is gone from my life. 

I remember sitting in Perkins one night really late and this one girl looking around and saying that the railings reminded her of coffins.  The snow storm that pretty much stranded a bunch of us at my parents house after skating one night.  The Chevette that we road in slamming into the mountain of snow. 

Sometimes when I look back at those times I remember that I liked the Aaron that was friends with those people much better than the Aaron that went to YCS.  The Aaron that went to YCS was self conscious, and really felt like he didn't fit with any one group or another.  I wanted to be popular, I wanted to be respected, but I always felt like I didn't measure up.  My other life though the one with Nick and Ron and all of them that was the life that was the real Aaron, I had confidence, I would talk to people, I didn't care what people thought of me. 

It's strange I was that Aaron with Nick and my them, I was that Aaron at Camp but when I hit school in September I just became this other person who was self conscious and felt like the odd man out.  I remember resolving when I went to college to be the second Aaron from the beginning, and it worked,  I was more social, had more friends, had less fear.  I was confident and enjoyed life.  I didn't really care what others thought of me and in having that attitude people that wouldn't have given me a second look in High School were the people that I was friends with in College, but not just them I was friends with a wide swath of people. 

I guess Oldies and Goodies can be fun they can be entertaining, they can also be sad because when you are 38 and you feel once again like that kid that was in high school well.  That's just sad.

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Fear and Loathing in Las Cassas

I have always wondered what causes nightmares.  I know that in my life I've had my share of things that should or would cause them.  It's been a long time since I have had any real nightmare to speak of.  Cue creepy music and rainy night.  Monday night I had what can only be described as the worst nightmare in the world.  Someone knocked on our door and when I answered it they came in went upstairs told Amberly to pack her things and just took her.  They said that this was how it had to be and that we may get to see her again they just weren't sure.

I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep.  I went over and checked on her and kissed her cheek and just couldn't go back to sleep. 

It's strange that some dreams a person can remember and some dreams just leave.  There have been times in recent months that I have apparently gotten awake and sat bolt upright.  J will comment on occasion when this happens, and while I'm pretty sure I can pinpoint the cause of the action and can even say it must be a bad dream, it's all foggy and I can't really articulate what was happening,  I just have this vague anxiety about things from before and I end up back in the past somewhere and well it just jerks me awake and I have to make sure that she's there and all that.  The thing about it is those dreams are nothing,  they are handled by me and by J helping me through it.  This thing with Amberly was totally different and I was completely bereft when it happened. 

I wonder too why we have dreams, what causes them, are they as scrooge put it just a bit of beef or underdone potato or is there something more.  I have a hard time distinguishing,  I wonder how some people can take their dreams as gospel when I take them as some Bachmanesqe tale of the macabre.  Points to anyone who can get that allusion. 

What's the point of blogging this you may say?  Perhaps it's an exorcism of sorts,  getting the bad dream out and exposing it to the light of day and the ears of others,  that whole shared burden experience.  It could also just be that I am trying to find some way of connecting the dots and I am interested in what others think about bad dreams and what their remedies are.  Or it could just be that it was such a disturbing dream it had to be put on the screen so that I could then toss it in the trash can and hear the satisfying sound that only comes after being asked if I'm sure I want to empty the trash.

Well dear reader I hope you enjoy your day, they say we may get Snow in the DC Metro area.  I'm crossing my fingers.

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