The Bear, the Baloney and the Orange

I have been questioning not just my callings but my belief system a lot lately, as anyone that reads with even a semblance of normality can attest to quite readily.

The important thing to remember, at least I think the important thing to remember is that faith and belief are things that are rarely constant in a persons life.  I know that this flies in the face of what many people with any type of religious bent be it Christian, or Muslim, or Pagan or Wiccan or whatever flavor of faith you choose would admit too.  Adherents to religion as a rule are supposed to be totally sold on what it is that they have chosen to believe, I mean how can someone attempt to spread their faith and have any real success convincing that non believer that they are speaking to that what they believe is real if they aren’t totally sold to it and tend toward ra ra religion. 

I have to say one of the best parts about the faith that I have chosen is the ability to question what you believe without being told by God that you have to get out of the pool it’s adult swim.  I love the fact that Jesus would talk to people, every day people.  That he would be a friend to sinners, that he would meet in secret with a member of the opposition, and yes even that he would have an extended chat with his biggest challenger to the throne on high.  Christianity, true Christianity, not the stuff that so many famous or infamous as it were people push, I mean the kind that looks you in the eye and asks if  you are being more like Jesus, if you are reaching your fellow human being with what really matters, instead of reaching for your VIsa, or Mastercard or whatever can be summed up in my title. 

See I’ve been questioning much in the past five years, my calling, my faith, my gifting's, all of it, and what I realized today is something that a bear taught me.  A bear with baloney and an orange.  This bear taught me that just because the church, or the board, or the elder team, or yes even Aaron himself feels God’s done with him and that he has nothing to give back, nothing else to share and no one else to pour into doesn’t mean that’s really the case.  Sometimes it takes baloney and an orange and the belief and care of a bear to make you realize that you still have great worth to God, that you can still be relevant and useful to the God that called you in the first place, and that it may not look what it used to look like, and it may not be any where near where you had planned for it to be, but that isn’t really the point. 

What I learned was this,  if a bear can share his orange with someone it doesn’t even know just because that’s what it should do, I can share the truth just because that’s what I should do.  I may be having questions, I may be mad at God, I may not really see how it’s going to make a difference, but who cares,  it’s the right thing to do.  It’s right to tell people that it’s not enough to “give Jesus a chance”  It’s not right to just try God out.   It’s more important to live like Jesus did,  to act like we really care about our fellow mortals, to give and love and laugh and cry and share.  To show people that a life lived without faith, is a life that will be sadder, and darker and more painful than a life lived with the determination that while I only see things like I’m looking through a dirty plate glass window one day the grime will be dissolved and while it may not all make sense, at least we’ll be with the one that can bring some clarity.

Thrilling Failure

I love rollercoasters, nothing beats walking through the gates of an amusement park in the middle of the summer, the smells of hot asphalt, cotton candy and fried foods, laughter, shrieks of fear that almost always end in laughter.  Standing in line watching the ride you've chosen climb that first hill hearing the click of the chain as it pulls the cars to the precipice.  Great fun, great times.

I love the feeling of a rollercoaster, the utter and complete abandonment of all things sane, giving up your freedom to the harnesses and belts and cocoon of a car.  Some coasters are loud and jerky, especially the old wooden ones some are smooth and almost silent, loops, curves, hills, and spirals some even going backwards.  Yep I sure do love rollercoasters.

Funny thing is that while I love rollercoasters I hate the rollercoaster that has been our life for the past five years.  Of course I take full responsibility for the place we are in.  Mistakes are just that mistakes, when we make choices in life we have to live with the consequences, just like standing in line for a rollercoaster is a choice so our actions are a choice.  What can be fun at an amusement park can be pretty devastating in real life though.  I wish I hadn't gotten in line for the rollercoaster we find ourself on but there is nothing for it, we are on the ride and as we all know when we get on a ride and the bar comes down and the belts are buckled there isn't much you can do but hang on.

So here we are.  Riding the rollercoaster.  Tonight I have an interview with a church in Potomac, children's and family ministries.  Who knows what will happen, I'll go and see what's what.  I don't hold out too much in the way of hope but it's possible right, at least I used to think so.

I also have an interview over Thanksgiving at a company in Ohio, and there is a church there looking for a Children's Pastor.  Wow would we love to have that door open,  It's in the same city where we own a house,  It's a contemporary church and we could really fit in.

I just hope that whatever it is I'm supposed to have learned and whatever it is my family is supposed to have learned has happened.  There are so many things that I could list when it comes to the things that have been pounded into me in the past five years, and if you really cared to you could go back and read one of the many posts that show those things.

The big difference between amusement park rollercoasters and the rollercoaster we find ourselves on right now is simple.  When I get off a rollercoaster at any given park I try and find another one that will give me at least  the feeling I just had, and hopefully find one that will give me more of that adrenaline scare.  When I finally get off the ride we're on, I have no plans to get back in line, or to even look for another ride.

The title suggest that failure is thrilling, in all actually there is no thrill in failure.  Just a lot of sadness and reflection.

All these months later

And here I sit, November 12, 2012, the world didn't end May 21, October 21 came and went with little fanfare as well.

The Newell family has grown by one, we welcomed Jocelyn Lucille Aryn Newell on October 6.

Life has been hard, faith even harder.  What used to be somewhat therapeutic (this blog) has become another reminder of my inadequacies.

Its Saturday morning and I am taking time to write because I should.  I realize that the things we say and the things we do really are who we are.  We are defined by our vocation and our chosen family type.  We like to believe that what we do is not who we are but really who are we kidding, only ourselves.

I love being a dad, its really one of the coolest things I have ever been a part of, having said that I miss being more.  I miss my friends.  Nothing made the absence more profound when my best friend didn't call or comment on Josies birth hard for me to understand how I can miss the interaction and closeness we shared and he can just forget it ever existed.

I was told I look angry when I walk into church and angry when I leave, angry isn't the right word, the right word is sad.

Ah well nothing to be done for it.

Well dear reader you have been with me for a while, and while I'm sure I have lost many of you in my silence I thought I would get back on the ball and start interacting again.  The morbidity of late hasn't worked.

See ya around.