It's Thursday, traditionally my day off. I still pretend it is, even though I haven't been able effectively turn off my brain for months. Nights are equally stressful, sometimes I just stare at the ceiling wondering how.
How do I make up the lack of funds at the church, how do I fix that piece of the puzzle, especially when things have begun to turn. There is an air of vitality that comes from the new people, they are into a church that reaches, we are more and more becoming that. I get frustrated because I feel like we are in the middle of a 5 year plan, which is what we had only to find out that we didn't really have 5 years, it was more like three. Offerings are up but not enough, looking at the expenses to cut, it is obvious to take a look at the largest there is and begin cutting there. As the only full time employee the expense that is under the most scrutiny and that is ripe for the trimming is my compensation. It's not pretty, it's not fun, it's not easy, it's just a fact, a fact that keeps me awake at night because right now is not a good time to have that happen with everything that is coming. Surgery and recovery and then more surgery and more recovery, and, and, and.
How do I take care of Joyce when the surgery happens, how do I step away for the weeks that I will need to step away for, making sure she has all she needs? How do I take care of the girls and make sure they have all that they need? How do I explain to the youngest ones what is wrong why things have to be different for a while?
I know all the things that need to be done around the house, I feel like I should be working on those things every spare moment, but I get there and exhaustion jumps out at me, robbing me of the determination to push through and do the things I need to, but somehow I push myself to do it.
So many Sundays when the day is over, all I want to do is go home and do nothing, yet I feel bad when I do because if I had more in the tank I feel like I could do more for and with the girls
So I grind on, like so many others do. Recognizing that I'm being selfish in this post, that others have it worse than I do, that as much as I want to understand and take all the mess away from her. Joyce is so much stronger and better and amazing than I or anyone I know. I watch her deal with the cancer and wonder at how she keeps going, how she gets up the day after chemo and teaches. How she spends time on everyone else, worrying about them, trying to help them, trying to build them up. How she supports me. I feel like I'm not giving her what she needs.
I am jus so tired, and frustrated and scared, and confused.
Thursday, October 27, 2016
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
Labels
Years ago I remember a story about a kid who wanted to do the grocery shopping, It could have been in fact most likely was on one of those kids shows that used to be on the radio. I remember Saturday's riding in the back seat of the car while we went grocery shopping or out to visit kids in my parents Sunday school class or whatever we would do. Anyway the kid in the story was supposed to do the grocery shopping and prepare a meal or something, money in hand she (I remember it being a she) found a cart full of cans that had all the labels torn off. She saved money and got stuff she wanted at the same time. Of course when it came time to make the meal she had all sort of things from the cans that didn't go together. There was some sort of moral involved, you can grab whatever that is on your own. I'm using the memory more as a launching point for my thoughts.
You look at a label and it tells you what is inside...that's how it's supposed to work, except as I have been going over the labels I have lived under over the years I have come to a realization...
A few important definitions:
adjective pro·gres·sive \prə-ˈgre-siv\
The list is actually longer, and includes different types of political leanings, different sects of Christianity, different ideologies that become subsets under these main headlines. Taken in turn it's safe to say that I have lived under each of the labels at different times throughout my life.
Believe it or not, for a brief time at the end of college and for a couple years I would probably have identified as a Evangelical Republican...I would say a soft right winger, but things always bothered me on the right, still do. The problem with these two labels well three actually is at some point they became interchangeable to many in each of those movements. If you were an evangelical Christian you were a republican, only thing you could be. You stood for all sorts of things that the Bible tells you to stand for, except that if you were to dig a bit deeper into the Bible you may find that things that people in power in the popular evangelical movement say are important or things we should be standing for may not necessarily be there.
Then there was that time when I decided I was going to be emergent, except you can't really decide to be emergent, because the moment you label yourself as emergent you are becoming part of what emergent people try to not become.
The whole progressive thing is still sort of around, as is the liberal label I guess, except when it's not. I'm a bit conflicted there but that's okay.
I get frustrated with people who have messed up my labels as well. Names like Dobson, and Franklin, and Jerry have destroyed the evangelical label for me in some ways, they aren't alone either but they seem to be the most vocal. People who look at right wing evangelicals and get frustrated I'm okay with but when those same people begin to get antagonistic and start telling people that they have to be more progressive and ignore heart felt convictions and practice tolerance without being tolerant well that is equally annoying.
The thing that gets me is that on both sides of these issues regular every day people are not the ones that I have issues with. I have found that on both sides regular every day people are very understanding, willing to listen, caring, and not militant in their interactions. It is as always the vocal minority that makes the issues larger than life.
Case in point. I am for gun control. I don't have a problem with the second amendment, I don't mind you owning a gun, however it shouldn't be as simple as strolling down to the nearest Walmart to buy one. Or heading to a gun show to avoid a background check. Now to hear people that make the most noise on both sides you would think that everyone that is for common sense gun control laws wants to march into peoples homes, grab up all the guns and leave, you would also think that anyone that is a member of the NRA and owns a gun wants to own an assault rifle or sub machine gun with armor piercing rounds. Real conversations however yield different results. With several gun owners not only willing to have background checks but for them, and gun control advocates not saying take them all away but use common sense. These voices of reason are drowned out by the louder elements of each side who are alarmist and make their money and points by stoking the fire of partisanism. (Yes I know that's not really a word.)
In issues of faith though, this trend really bothers me. It bothers me that all the flavors of Christianity tend to look at each other with anything from misunderstanding to outright hostility.
Listening to people who claim to follow Christ "hold the line" on things as they watch a world full of individuals they claim to love and have answers for shake their heads and walk away from both sides of Christianity be it conservative or liberal has lead me to a discovery and a statement.
I am not an American Evangelical, Nor am I an American progressive. I am determined though.
No matter where anyone in the Christian faith stands, this is the anchor point, at least it should be. If we are all striving to make this the jumping off point for everything we do I believe that the differences that separate us don't have to alienate us. There will be differences. We will not agree on things, we will see things differently, we will reach out to people differently. That's okay, but if we make this the foundation that we base all our interactions with each other on, we will be able to disagree on things and still find common ground for a common mission, the only common mission we were given. Preaching the gospel. That ultimate act of love, made by the God we serve. The acceptance of which will, by necessity, dismantle the life we know and have so carefully built and guarded and championed, only to be put back together by the One who designed humanity in the first place.
So no I'm not Evangelical, I am trying to follow Christ. No I'm not Progressive, I am trying to follow Christ.
No I am not a Republican...but you already knew that. No I'm not a Dem...wait yes, yes I am...
Thanks for reading.
You look at a label and it tells you what is inside...that's how it's supposed to work, except as I have been going over the labels I have lived under over the years I have come to a realization...
A few important definitions:
evangelical
adjective evan·gel·i·cal \ˌē-ˌvan-ˈje-li-kəl, ˌe-vən-\
: of or relating to a Christian sect or group that stresses the authority of the Bible, the importance of believing that Jesus Christ saved you personally from sin or hell, and the preaching of these beliefs to other people
: having or showing very strong and enthusiastic feelings
conservative
adjective con·ser·va·tive \kən-ˈsər-və-tiv\
: believing in the value of established and traditional practices in politics and society : relating to or supporting political conservatism
Conservative : of or relating to the conservative party in countries like the United Kingdom and Canada
: not liking or accepting changes or new ideas
republican
noun re·pub·li·can \ri-ˈpə-bli-kən\
Republican : a member of the Republican party of the U.S.
: a person who believes in or supports a republican form of government
liberal
adjective lib·er·al \ˈli-b(ə-)rəl\
: believing that government should be active in supporting social and political change : relating to or supporting political liberalism
Liberal : of or belonging to the liberal political party in countries like Canada and the United Kingdom
: not opposed to new ideas or ways of behaving that are not traditional or widely accepted
progressive
adjective pro·gres·sive \prə-ˈgre-siv\
: moving forward
: happening or developing gradually over a period of time
: using or interested in new or modern ideas especially in politics and education
The list is actually longer, and includes different types of political leanings, different sects of Christianity, different ideologies that become subsets under these main headlines. Taken in turn it's safe to say that I have lived under each of the labels at different times throughout my life.
Believe it or not, for a brief time at the end of college and for a couple years I would probably have identified as a Evangelical Republican...I would say a soft right winger, but things always bothered me on the right, still do. The problem with these two labels well three actually is at some point they became interchangeable to many in each of those movements. If you were an evangelical Christian you were a republican, only thing you could be. You stood for all sorts of things that the Bible tells you to stand for, except that if you were to dig a bit deeper into the Bible you may find that things that people in power in the popular evangelical movement say are important or things we should be standing for may not necessarily be there.
Then there was that time when I decided I was going to be emergent, except you can't really decide to be emergent, because the moment you label yourself as emergent you are becoming part of what emergent people try to not become.
The whole progressive thing is still sort of around, as is the liberal label I guess, except when it's not. I'm a bit conflicted there but that's okay.
I get frustrated with people who have messed up my labels as well. Names like Dobson, and Franklin, and Jerry have destroyed the evangelical label for me in some ways, they aren't alone either but they seem to be the most vocal. People who look at right wing evangelicals and get frustrated I'm okay with but when those same people begin to get antagonistic and start telling people that they have to be more progressive and ignore heart felt convictions and practice tolerance without being tolerant well that is equally annoying.
The thing that gets me is that on both sides of these issues regular every day people are not the ones that I have issues with. I have found that on both sides regular every day people are very understanding, willing to listen, caring, and not militant in their interactions. It is as always the vocal minority that makes the issues larger than life.
Case in point. I am for gun control. I don't have a problem with the second amendment, I don't mind you owning a gun, however it shouldn't be as simple as strolling down to the nearest Walmart to buy one. Or heading to a gun show to avoid a background check. Now to hear people that make the most noise on both sides you would think that everyone that is for common sense gun control laws wants to march into peoples homes, grab up all the guns and leave, you would also think that anyone that is a member of the NRA and owns a gun wants to own an assault rifle or sub machine gun with armor piercing rounds. Real conversations however yield different results. With several gun owners not only willing to have background checks but for them, and gun control advocates not saying take them all away but use common sense. These voices of reason are drowned out by the louder elements of each side who are alarmist and make their money and points by stoking the fire of partisanism. (Yes I know that's not really a word.)
In issues of faith though, this trend really bothers me. It bothers me that all the flavors of Christianity tend to look at each other with anything from misunderstanding to outright hostility.
Listening to people who claim to follow Christ "hold the line" on things as they watch a world full of individuals they claim to love and have answers for shake their heads and walk away from both sides of Christianity be it conservative or liberal has lead me to a discovery and a statement.
I am not an American Evangelical, Nor am I an American progressive. I am determined though.
No matter where anyone in the Christian faith stands, this is the anchor point, at least it should be. If we are all striving to make this the jumping off point for everything we do I believe that the differences that separate us don't have to alienate us. There will be differences. We will not agree on things, we will see things differently, we will reach out to people differently. That's okay, but if we make this the foundation that we base all our interactions with each other on, we will be able to disagree on things and still find common ground for a common mission, the only common mission we were given. Preaching the gospel. That ultimate act of love, made by the God we serve. The acceptance of which will, by necessity, dismantle the life we know and have so carefully built and guarded and championed, only to be put back together by the One who designed humanity in the first place.
So no I'm not Evangelical, I am trying to follow Christ. No I'm not Progressive, I am trying to follow Christ.
No I am not a Republican...but you already knew that. No I'm not a Dem...wait yes, yes I am...
Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
Crashing Waves
Friday morning, before taking the girls to school and heading into the church I closed my bedroom door and cried.
It had been a somewhat trying morning getting everyone out the door, but nothing so out of the ordinary that it warranted the tears. The thing is it keeps happening, at any given moment one small thing can push me to the brink and a nudge can send me out of the room to compose myself. The only real way to combat it many times is to go flat, not allowing much in the way of emotion to cross my face, but that concerns people.
I know it's obvious that I am not okay. I appreciate people when they ask how I am, and there was a time when I would have just said, "yep fine," plastered a smile my face and held it all in check. The problem is I've lost that ability it seems, even when I think I'm holding it all together I'm not, people notice and either ask me or follow up to see how I am and while I appreciate it, I hate that it happens because it's just not what I want people to see or remember when they interact with me.
In all the stories of life that I envisioned, the one we are now living is not the one that I expected. I keep looking at what was, and what is and what I think should be and the disconnect is huge. There is so much that has to be done, so many responsibilities, so much that weighs on me. Even typing this I feel guilty for putting me in all these sentences, there are others who have problems, others who's needs are huge, me being upset and overwhelmed and frightened just doesn't really fit. Others need strength, leadership, tenacity, and understanding from me.
Our church is in this time that things are getting better but they are not better enough. Growth is happening, offering is up, austerity is happening all around, God is giving the increase but my faith is getting weaker and weaker in the timing side of it. We are where we belong. I am doing the work I was designed to do but the fight is long, and the issues are hard and...
Our family is fighting what everyone knows we are fighting. The fear and anxiety of possibly losing this fight with cancer never leaves my mind, especially when I hear of others who didn't win. The girls are getting older and with that age comes a host of worries on my part, BRCA genes and family history and the list just goes on.
We own this house in Ohio that is not being taken care of properly, the house payment is paid consistently, it's frustrating to pay for two families to live, especially when one of them seems content to just let everyone take care of them.
I get what the Psalmist is saying here. I ask the question every day, the problem is I don't get many answers.
I fall into bed exhausted only to lay there many nights wondering, praying, trying to hold it together, trying to be what everyone expects of me, trying to be what I expect of me.
I know the Jesus answers to the issues, I understand the promises I have from scripture, the care I have from friends and family. It's all there but it just doesn't help, it's just not enough and telling people that is rude and harsh and just wrong, but here I am telling you because if I don't it just keeps getting bottled up.
I have spent weeks on the phone dealing with insurance companies for J's cancer, as well as for the car that was stolen. I've fixated on getting the car replaced, and I know it is driving J a bit nuts, but I also know that getting the car replaced, has a beginning a middle and an end, all of which are manageable, all of which have a mostly positive assured outcome. A vehicle that will replace the one stolen and allow us to move forward and away from one of the horrors of this past summer, so I press forward with it, making sure to include her even though she isn't into it, because it will be a task that can be completed.
There are so many other tasks that I can't complete, that have no foreseeable end but that I must be diligent about, and so I close the door, to our room, to my office, to the car, to the bathroom, and I cry...
Thanks for reading.
It had been a somewhat trying morning getting everyone out the door, but nothing so out of the ordinary that it warranted the tears. The thing is it keeps happening, at any given moment one small thing can push me to the brink and a nudge can send me out of the room to compose myself. The only real way to combat it many times is to go flat, not allowing much in the way of emotion to cross my face, but that concerns people.
I know it's obvious that I am not okay. I appreciate people when they ask how I am, and there was a time when I would have just said, "yep fine," plastered a smile my face and held it all in check. The problem is I've lost that ability it seems, even when I think I'm holding it all together I'm not, people notice and either ask me or follow up to see how I am and while I appreciate it, I hate that it happens because it's just not what I want people to see or remember when they interact with me.
In all the stories of life that I envisioned, the one we are now living is not the one that I expected. I keep looking at what was, and what is and what I think should be and the disconnect is huge. There is so much that has to be done, so many responsibilities, so much that weighs on me. Even typing this I feel guilty for putting me in all these sentences, there are others who have problems, others who's needs are huge, me being upset and overwhelmed and frightened just doesn't really fit. Others need strength, leadership, tenacity, and understanding from me.
Our church is in this time that things are getting better but they are not better enough. Growth is happening, offering is up, austerity is happening all around, God is giving the increase but my faith is getting weaker and weaker in the timing side of it. We are where we belong. I am doing the work I was designed to do but the fight is long, and the issues are hard and...
Our family is fighting what everyone knows we are fighting. The fear and anxiety of possibly losing this fight with cancer never leaves my mind, especially when I hear of others who didn't win. The girls are getting older and with that age comes a host of worries on my part, BRCA genes and family history and the list just goes on.
We own this house in Ohio that is not being taken care of properly, the house payment is paid consistently, it's frustrating to pay for two families to live, especially when one of them seems content to just let everyone take care of them.
I get what the Psalmist is saying here. I ask the question every day, the problem is I don't get many answers.
I fall into bed exhausted only to lay there many nights wondering, praying, trying to hold it together, trying to be what everyone expects of me, trying to be what I expect of me.
I know the Jesus answers to the issues, I understand the promises I have from scripture, the care I have from friends and family. It's all there but it just doesn't help, it's just not enough and telling people that is rude and harsh and just wrong, but here I am telling you because if I don't it just keeps getting bottled up.
I have spent weeks on the phone dealing with insurance companies for J's cancer, as well as for the car that was stolen. I've fixated on getting the car replaced, and I know it is driving J a bit nuts, but I also know that getting the car replaced, has a beginning a middle and an end, all of which are manageable, all of which have a mostly positive assured outcome. A vehicle that will replace the one stolen and allow us to move forward and away from one of the horrors of this past summer, so I press forward with it, making sure to include her even though she isn't into it, because it will be a task that can be completed.
There are so many other tasks that I can't complete, that have no foreseeable end but that I must be diligent about, and so I close the door, to our room, to my office, to the car, to the bathroom, and I cry...
Thanks for reading.
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Until I Wasn't
I've been writing some different things lately. This one has been kicking around in my head the last few days so I decided to go ahead ...
