7 months ago I left the church that I was pastoring. The circumstances were not fun. It was not something I was planning on doing. I came to Baltimore with this idea that I could sweep into this little church and that people would want to grow and that the neighborhood would realize that they needed something more in their life. That we would reach out in tangible ways to the community and city and in doing so the church would grow.
I bought into this idea that if you could bring in enough change people would check in and and then stay. I came in with a detailed plan, and we began implementing it. Sure there were things that went off the rails. A name change at the start that should have been pushed back at least a year, a missreading of the people I was to pastor, a completely different system of church governance that I thought I understood and could slowly and incrementally change.
I have gone run through the whole sad situation in my mind over and over again, trying to figure it out, trying to know what I could have done that would have made it better. Joyce and I were going over it the other day and I asked this question, one that had been going through my head for months.
"What was I thinking?" Her answer was swift and sure..."You thought you could be the Carey Nieuwhof of Baltimore." I opened my mouth to answer her and closed it because she was exactly right. If you know his story if you've spent any time talking to him, you know that he dealt with some seriously difficult times when he started in ministry. He took three churches that were having issues merged them all sorts of things and they grew, they became more, it's a great story, a great example of what could be, and she was right.
The problem with this whole true sad tale is not that it didn't work, I could never be Carey and he could never be Aaron. We were given similar circumstances but not the same ones. We were trying to turn around churches in different places and in different times. We had different teams, different structures so many different things and while the principles are timeless the implementation isn't.
Each year I would attend Orange and each year he would ask me if I was still there, and each year I would say yes, because I was doggedly determined to make this little church in Baltimore into the next big thing. We were going to grow exponentially we were going to become the premier Orange church in Baltimore. We were going to be multi-staffed. Reggie was going to ask for me to present at Orange because of this amazing ministry that was reaching the families of Baltimore. We were going to have a killer Kids Ministry, a growing youth ministry. All these things were going to happen because they were supposed to, because I was doing all this for God, because I was working hard and because its what God wanted.
Well we all know how that worked out. I have said I failed, and in many respects I did. I have blamed myself, God and others and there is blame to go around. I have cried, gotten angry, said words like never and always. I have done so many things when it comes to the time I spent.
Ultimately I had to make a very hard choice, keep fighting for this church, or fight to keep my family. I chose the latter. I was not a pleasant person in the last year and a half. Lots of anger, lots of fatigue, lots of just not happy. We did so many things, and tried so hard and it didn't work.
Who's fault is it? Why didn't it work? What could have made things different? To those questions I would answer does it matter at this point? Any time a ministry dies it's bitter sweet. Sometimes they die because they outlive their usefullness, sometimes they die because it becomes about the leader and not the commission, and sometimes they die because it's not sustainable, and sometimes everyone is just too tired. Sure I have my theory, the other leaders in the church will have theirs.
But as I sit here seven months later, looking at God moving in our lives I have to say that the whole experience was a very good lesson. A lesson in how to love people, a lesson in how to lead, a lesson in how to work with, a lesson in God's grace, and in God's capacity to pick us up and put us back together even while we are trying desperately to tell him to leave us alone.
Check back soon for more if you are so inclined. I know God is doing something that I am excited to share.
