Glimpses of What?

Humanity, myself included, lacks so much when it comes to being what we were designed to be.  Still it would be so much easier if the God that I belive in were more available.  I dont mean that he's not,  I know I can talk to him whenever and find myself doing so increasingly, but thats not what I mean.  I mean that there are times in my life where I wish that God were actually sitting next to me, physically.  I would like to be able to look him in the eye and as why questions.  I would love to see him sit there and squirm in his seat.  I would love to be able to take him to task for where things are in life.  I would like him to feel uncomfortable as I interrorgate him for all the problems that he has allowed to come my way.   

Now before you take me to task for what I just said,  and before you tell me that I'm being disrespectful of God understand I'm not.  While I would love for all those things to happen, I realize that they never can or will.  Mainly because in my humanity my view of God is so finite.  I personify Him, just like carttoons personify animals, or comercials personify food, and that dear reader is the problem with Huminty as a whole and with Aaron in particular. 

Starting with the concept of grace and mercy we humans fall way way way too short.  We don't have a clue what true grace and mercy look like.  We fail to offer it to the people in our lives, we justify our feelings and actions giving them all sorts of religious names, we are righteously indignant, we are being angry but not sinning, we feel godly sorrow, yes I know I put a small g mainly becasue the sorrow we feel has nothing to do with God.  Moving into the realm of love we have a twisted and sad view of what real love is.  I think the only way to come close to understand how God loves us is to understand how I love my kids, and even then it's a poor excuse, mainly because I can normally count on some reciprication from my family, God has no such guarantee.

You get where I'm going with this.  For me to think I have any hope of standing up to God the way I talked about in that first chapter is one of those things that has to be marked in the poor human catagory.  I can see God looking at the beginning of my life and the end and all the things in between and telling me.  You have no idea.  He would be right, and I am trying my best to be okay with that. 

Every so often when I feel like the calling that God placed on my life and the giftings that he gave me are just going to dry up and wither because of my mistakes, God sends a reminder that he called me and chose me and he is the one that will choose when that is over, and while I get tired of the glimpses I have to take them for what they are.  God showing me that he loves me even when I"m frustrated and don't understand him.  God telling me that it's going to be okay and that I'm not forgotten. 

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The more things change

I used to not really understand the statment that starts today title.  The more things change the more things stay the same.

Seems pretty cyincal to me, right up there with Ecclesiasties everying is pointless rant, the thing is I get it now.  I utterly and completely get the whole process of things meaning nothing.  God is an intersting concept to me at this point.  I know all these things about God.  I know what I believe.  I know all sorts of things about God and churches and relationships.  I have taught groups from 2 to 200 plus and one of the things that always gets me is how quickly it all can just blow through your fingers. 

Sitting in Church on a Sunday is one of those things that I do because, just because.  I dont like going,  I dont enjoy the songs,  I don't like the time to shake hands,  Sermons are many times empty to me. 

See people don't get it,  I dont even get it to be honest.  Thins are supposed to be and they are not.  I'm called but it really doen'st matter not only called but gifted.  I can recognize it and the thing is other people may even recognize it.  Then nothing.  No outlet, no reason to even bring it up.  Sitting in church is an excersise in obdience for me at this point.  I go because I should go for my family.  I sit there and I bite my inner lip because it's sometimes the only way I can keep from breaking down.   

You would think that four years later things would be different or better, you would think that two years out I would be able to see what I am and who I am and how I am supposed to be.  You would think that God would have given me some sort of clue as to what is next or to if I should even want there to be a next, but no thats not the case.  I still get up on Sunday, I still go to Church,  I pray ever saturday night with my family that God will prepare us that He will make our hearts ready, that He will make my heart ready, and it just seems to bounce off of the clouds. 

I'm pretty sure this is going to seem like a pretty bipolar post, especially to those that read my facebook updates and relize that I have actually enjoyed a couple of church services lately.  I dont want you to get the wrong idea.  I do enjoy church on occasion, when I say those things on facebook I mean them.  I do like it somtimes,  but not as much as I would like or as I should. 

Sitting in church always does the same thing.  It always makes me sad, it always makes me remember, it always makes me look at who I was and it always makes me feel less than what I should be.  It makes me feel like a collosal failure.  

Anyway I know that there are people who read this blog that Love me that don't see me that way.  I appreciate them.  I love them too.  Just have to make sure people understand.  When I started writing a blog all those years ago it was for me to get feelings and thoughts out there, to keep them from bottling up and I write in it for that purpose.  If my random thoughts help someone else or encourage them thats all the better.

Thanks for reading

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