Until I Wasn't

I've been writing some different things lately.  This one has been kicking around in my head the last few days so I decided to go ahead and get it out of there.  I'm also going to pop up a short story I wrote for a contest with The Rusty Quill.   I missed the deadline for the contest, but wanted to finish the story and get it out there.  I'll be doing more these type posts now.  They scratch a certain creative itch that I want to be able to soothe.  Enjoy...or don't lol all up to you.

I was a child, full of wonder, believing in magic.  

Until I wasn’t, Santa disappeared, the wardrobe just held musty coats, and teeth stopped being currency…

I was a Teenager, with angst and adrenaline.  

Until I wasn’t, first cars, first kisses, long weekends and endless summers evaporated into the false freedom of new milestones reserved for being “grown.”

I was 18 and 19 and 20. Living life by rules of my own making,  

Until I wasn’t, concerts, late night study sessions, living states away with no real responsibilities morphed into Jobs, and houses, and cars and pets, a spouse, and kids…and…and….and.

I was a Son, struggling to understand parents who didn’t understand me.  

Until I wasn’t. And the roles reversed and it was my turn to put up guide rails, to worry that they were eating, or taking their pills or being gentle to each other.  Until it was time to move them into a safe space, until their minds and memories were stollen and it was time to remember them with a crowd of their friends and family.

I was a solid husband, remembering all the things and wanting nothing more than to see her smile and laugh and feel safe.

Until I wasn’t and I spiraled into a place that was dark and full of monsters that tugged me toward the darkness.

I was a Good Dad.  Taking care of my girls, playing with them, watching them grow and change, wanting to make it all better all the time.  

Until I wasn’t and I fell apart, almost drowning because I couldn’t see any way out of the mess that life became.  

I was a Pastor, leading people, teaching, studying reaching to people who just needed to be loved on.  Pushing my church to realize it was better to be a Christ Follower than a christian, 

Until I wasn’t, and I fell, losing the thing that defined me for decades, walling myself away from a community that I once embraced.

I was a friend with friends.  Willing to do the work that true friendship takes.   

Until I wasn’t and I turned in on myself, making excuses for not being what I knew how to be.

Until I was’t, and then I was, not because of me, but because people chose to see more than what I wasn’t.