We’ve been here before…

My blog exists so that I can give people a glimpse into my mind, sometimes my heart, and of course life in general.  Five years ago I told someone who was extremely upset with me because of how ummm transparent I was in one particular post that the point was for me to be able to talk to people, and to have people know and see right where I was.  It was also a way for me to be accountable to myself and others.  If its up here it’s what I’m feeling at the moment. 

Through the years I have had people appreciate my blog, I have had people get upset at some of the things I have written,   I have even had people confront me in love when I was off base or out of line when it came to looking at the things in my life that I hated. 

I still use this blog for that purpose.  Sure sometimes it’s full of stuff that fits more in the spiritual category, sometimes I rant about family stuff, or about frustrations with working.  There are times when I’m sure people must think that I’ve just emotionally vomited all my angst onto the page… not a pretty analogy but it’s not meant to be. 

Lately I’ve been more cryptic with my online life.  What I mean is for a while I had decided to post seemingly disconnected one liners, random thoughts that ran through my brain, this was on Facebook.  I guess it bothered some people.  I also spent some time on the same social media site editing my friends list down to 100 people.  It was pretty interesting and I actually made it a personal quest to keep my friends list on Facebook to 100 people, I even considered dropping the number lower than that.  Why we do these kinds of things is always interesting.  I know that I tell myself reasons all the time for the strange social or friend related things I do, but bottom line is it many times comes down to self preservation…or is that selfishness.  Probably a little bit of both.  I want my friends to care about me on my terms, to talk to me when I want them to talk to me, to find me as important as I am, and when they don’t I punish them albeit subconsciously, and to be honest it’s not really punishing them as much as it is me.  See when I do petty stupid stuff like that it just hurts me, it keeps me from relationship with others.  God put us together to work on things, he wants us to build each other up, to help each other, to be a part of each others lives.  We were made to have fellowship with God sure, but we are also made to want to hang out with other people.  When we pull away from the people God has given us we are not doing what he wants. 

Let’s see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching.

Peterson, E. H. (2005). The Message: The Bible in contemporary language (Heb 10:24–25). Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress.

How can you spur me on if I’m not haning out with you, even if it is on Facebook? 

So what does my title mean?  I am again waiting to hear from a church that I have gone the distance with in the interview process.  I really believe that this is what God has for us.  I believe with everything in me that I’m the one that God want’s to be there…But I’ve been here before, and as the days move on and as I don’t hear anything I realize I’ve been here before…The cool thing is if it’s not what I thought it was if I have not really heard or felt or whatever it is you want to call it from God this time.  I still get to work with some pretty awesome people at the church, the girls still get to be poured into by people who love them in addition to us, we as a family still get to minister.  I’ll be bummed out but not counted out if that makes sense.  

Send some up…

It’s been an interesting bunch of weeks and months at the Newell House. 

Kids are growing like weeds.  Marbles are leaving their jars left and right and I am really trying to think about that before I react and say things.  Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail.  In those failings I actually find myself talking it through with the girls,  I have come to the realization that while the issue that has brought about the frustration is, well one of those situations that being frustrated makes sense and may even be justifiable, but self justification is just a way to wall ourselves away from so many things.  Sure it’s hard to sit down with Amberly and tell her that I’m sorry for reacting the way I did, but it is my hope that if she see’s her dad do it, she will look for that quality among others when she starts getting more and more interested in boys. 

There are other things that have been happening.  I so look forward to men’s breakfast.  Sometimes I wish it would happen more than once a month.  The chance to sit down with other guys is important, sharing struggles and just talking has been a great blessing.  I am blessed to be making friends, something that I had pretty much stopped doing for a while.  My loss, that’s one of the things that really gets me, all of the stuff that I stopped all of the walls that I built all of the anger that I held onto at myself and others, yea it only hurt me, well me and my family, which is one of those things that I will be bringing to God on a pretty regular basis.  I have been falling more and more in love with J.  This woman that God gave me and then gave back to me is amazing.  Lately I have been pretty grumpy due to the whole trying to eat healthy and all that good stuff.  I like the way I feel eating this way.  I like the way I’m starting to look, but I don’t like the part that has me not getting to eat what I like to eat.  She is great though,  just soldiering on and making me realize that it’s better for both of us to eat better, to lose some and to be around longer. 

I am enjoying helping out at Powerhouse.  It’s been a great way to get back in the swing of things.  Back to ministering to being a part of a church instead of being a person that attends… which brings me to the next part. 

I have been given a possible opportunity when it comes to being what I am, what God has called me to be.  What I mean is it’s been made clear that I am a student ministries pastor, that’s who I am that’s what I am built for.  I love working with students through college age.  Watching them grow and mature in their faith.  Listening to them worship, being a part of their journey of faith is one of those things that makes me feel most useful.  This perfect storm of things started to happen a couple of months ago.  One thing about those kinds of storms is that you can ride them out or let them ride you.  In the past I have let the storm ride me.  Taking things to mean what they didn’t, allowing the storm to be more important than the one that makes the storms,  wow that was yeah sorry for that way to obvious comment.  The point is I want to be in God’s perfect will, and I believe with all my heart that I know what that perfect will is,  I believe he has been putting little things in my path to show me what that perfect will is.  I believe that, and I don’t.  What I mean by I don’t is that I just can’t see things being what I think they are supposed to be, I can’t see it happening.  I look at people and I talk to people and I think that they must be looking down at me or on me or whatever.  Pretty lame huh?  See there’s a bit of elitism in a person who sees themselves as the underdog, the broken unusable person.  It’s so easy for me to take the mess that attempts to rear it’s head at times when things start going a certain direction and make others the ones that are bringing condemnation, or judgment, or disapproval.  I’m the one that is doing those things so why do I push those feelings off on them, especially when there is no real reason to feel that way.  I read too much into things sometimes, and I am fairly certain that this is one of those times. 

I just want to remain breakable.  I want to stay in that Lego state of life.  I believe that this is what God has but if I’m wrong I want to be okay with that, and I’m pretty sure I will be.  I’ll be disappointed of course, and if I were to be really transparent I’ll probably be a bit surly for a few days but that will be because I’ll be upset at myself for feeling the way I will end up feeling.  If it’s not what I think it’s going to be, if it’s a no then I still get to work with a great group of people, I still get to pour into the kids that are in powerhouse, and perhaps those in Middle School if they need some help at some point. 

So what am I asking,  I’m asking that you send some up if you think about it.  I want this position, and I believe that it’s what God is doing.  So if you want you can pray that this happens, however in addition to that I would ask that you pray for the outcome to be what God wants more than what I want.  If God has something else in mind then that’s what it is, which brings me to my final request pray that I’ll be able to have the right attitude about not having the desire of my heart.  If this is not what God has, I’m going to need some grace to keep walking in the path that we are in, and to keep my thoughts and heart in the right place.  I want it there. I want to be what he wants me to be I want to be where he wants me to be, I want to be used by him.  That really is the desire of my heart.  The human side though will be disappointed, the human side will get upset, the human side will want to point fingers and assign blame.  I have said and will continue to say that my Blog is here to hold me accountable, to be a place I can say what I am thinking and feeling and what God is doing or not doing in my life.  I am continuing to use it as such.

Thanks for the prayers and for reading.  

Wondering

I tanked...these would be the words that I would use to best describe a recent interaction.

I wonder sometimes if my ears are working right, I know J has been doing so for a while now, and while the ears she is talking about are different than the ones that I am talking about the comparison can't be ignored.

See with my physical hearing I find that there are times that I am focused and can hear everything, then there are those times when I get distracted, not a difficult thing, and I just don't hear anything. J has threatened to get my hearing checked. It's strange I can hear Jo wake up with her door closed music on, one floor away, but I can't hear whats going on right next to me...some of that has to do with focus though. I get into thing's and when I do if you ask me questions or try to engage me I'm going to say huh because I'm lasered into whatever it is I'm doing.

Spiritual hearing though is different. I used to be so sure of things when it came to hearing from God. I would see what God was doing, I would be able to recognize obvious road marks. There was a sureness about things. Now I think I am hearing from God, I think I am seeing Him ordering things. I think...I even pray and feel a deep seated call and a longing to be...but, and that's the problem, but. I don't have that sureness that I used to be able to have. I second guess everything. I look at what looks like God showing me a path, and I wonder if it's God or if it's just me reading too much into things. I don't know.

Here's the thing, I just need God's help in this. In Mark a man has a son who is demon possessed. He comes to Jesus and asks for his help. He says help us if you can...Jesus looks at the guy and I can almost hear the tone in his voice. "if I can?" it's almost like Jesus is saying wait a second you do know who you are talking to. If I can help him. It's all down to belief. Then the man says what so many of us need to say, probably on a daily basis. The father instantly cried out, "I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!"Mark 4:29. See thats the thing I believe...for the most part...but then there are the times that I just don't the times that I believe that I'm to broken, too damaged, to... fill in the blank. Those are the times that are hard.

Do I know what God is doing. I think I do, but then again I probably don't.

 

The Ghost of...