Why Take Stock

So as I sit here on the last day of 2010 I realized that the few readers I have are probably going to expect some kind of take stock of the year, or some kind of what I want for 2011 or fill in the blank.  Why?  What is the point of taking stock of something that has happened?  I guess thats part of the human experience, and I would venture a further guess that the people who are truly happy, the ones that really get it, really understand what living is have come to the realization that going over and over and over the things that were or that we wish were or that could have been or whatever, keeps that person for growing and being what they can be or what they want to be.   So having said that I have decided that the obligitory year end rememberance year starting philisophical optomists writing is not really for me this year. 

Living life is a day by day thing, breathe in breathe out and just go from minute to minute, nothing more nothing less.  So why reherse the past or put expectations on the future. 

So instead of taking stock or resolving to do lets just think about what today was for Aaron.

Government offices closed, Most major businesses closed, banks closed.  ARBOR E and T OPEN.

I'm just sayin...

A Holiday For the Rest of us (festivus)

Living in the DC area one can definately see the appeal to this oft-times under appreciated holiday.  The feats of strength aside, I really like the idea of the airing of grievances.  I for one have several. 

1.  I 270 and Beltway Traffic.  If you are from here you understand if you're not well just be glad.

2.  Christmas Lights,  I must admit that this year was not nearly the frustrating horror of years past, a horror that is completely self-inflicted.  I have this obsessive compulsive things or usually do about the way the Christmas lights are supposed to be on the Tree.

3.  Being told how horrible you look,  I have been sick for about two weeks,  I finally get back to work and what does everyone say?  Not hey Aaron good to see you, or Hey Aaron looking better, or Hey Aaron glad your back.  Nope,  "Hey Aaron you look terrible, awful, bad, sick, pale, eyes look bad.  Fill in the blank.  Thank you I realize that I"m not really myself and all that but really? 

4.  Cliche' religious sermons Nuff Said.

5.  Republicans in office.  Wow this one is really annoying.  As I listen to what they say and how they feel entitled to the offices and how their election is "vindication"  I get really, really, REALLY irritated.  I don't think they have the answers, I know that they don't speak for my views or many other people's views including members of their own party.  I have been disgusted with everything from Tax breaks for the rich and yes that's what it is there is no way to deny that,  to threatining to filibuster the New Start treaty, to deciding that the Dream act is dumb.  I just really get annoyed every time one of them opens their mouth, especially McConnell. 

6.  Sarah Palin.  Do I really need to justify this one?  I mean really come on.

7.  Missing people and places that were near and dear. 

8.  Cancer

9.  Friends that were but are not more.

10.  The Calling.

See those are the grievances I have, some make sense some may not to you and if they don't I guess that's okay.  See as much as I write and hope and want people to read and let me know they are reading,  The blog is for me, it's a chance to get my thoughts, feelings and issues out into the world,  it gives me the opportunity to get a different picture. 

Number ten will probably unnerve some people but bear with me while I explain it a little so you can get a clearer understanding as to why a calling can be a grievance.  When you live with something for 20 plus years it becomes a part of you yes, but it also can be a burden.  Don't believe me ask Jesus.  He was called, destined to die for the sins of the world, and he grieved that.  Don't belive me look at what happened in the Garden.  He wanted another way, he asked for another way, some would say he "made his peace with it when he said not my will but yours,"  I don't think so.  See there are times that we are resigned to our calling,  we don't like it, we don't want it, we wish we could get away from it but it's there, it's not going away it's what we are, who we are, how we live.  This is how I feel sometimes about my calling, not something to be sought after, or wished,  not something that I love or that I embrace, although I have loved it and embraced it, even had some of my happiest most fulfilling moments while living in it.  The problem is when you are on the other side of it.  People will say that you are still able to live your calling, or that you have to make your peace with things, or that you have to just enjoy a time of being built up.  All of these things are great, they sound wonderful, they make sense,  but they don't answer the calling, they don't take it away, they don't make it easier and so I have come to the part of life where I am resigned to my calling,  resigned to the fact that it is there, that it will always be there and that it is not going to go away. 

Somehow at the end of the day when I look at the things that I write it makes them manageable.  It makes them important in a different way.  It allows me to get them out and to see them and to touch them and then to make them into something that has meaning and can change the way I look at or do things.  Hope that it helps you as well.

The Measure of a Man

The past few days have been really rough. I have been sick, I dont do sick well,  I am sitting in a room with a vics thing that helps me breath and a cup of coffee to stimulate my lungs a bit,  asthma medicine helps a bit but there is more to this.  I always rush back a day after I get sick, this time I tried to slow down a bit and get well, and while I feel better today than I did on Tuesday I still do not feel myself.

Still sitting on ones postterior is not always the best thing to do, therefore I went on ahead and did some leg work to get the title for the paperweight that has sucked up money like Charlie Sheen sucks up booze.  I had made some calls and was told by some DMV employee that if I couldn't find the title but I had the Bill of sale that would be fine.  Just bring the bill of sale in and all will be well we can issue the title to you.  I'm sure you can guess where this is going.  DMV in MD said nope they have to have the title, but DMV in VA which is where we bought the stupid thing, possibly is differnt.  Yes well upon speaking to the individuals after driving and standing in line I found that this is not the case, whoever told me that it was was mistaken, I need the title,  I can always have the guy I bought it off of get another title.  Same day if he goes in, 3 to 5 days if he does it on line, 2 to 4 weeks if he does it by mail.  So I have dutifully tried to get ahold of the idiot I bought the car from, and have been looking for the title at home ever since.  Not a good thing as I still have that elephant sitting on my chest. 

I know this may seem like a rant about the stupid mistake that I made, yet another in a long string of them it would appear, but that is not really what its about, I have looked in the places the title should be 3 times over,  I am now looking in places that it could be or has no busienss being, in doing so I ran across old pictures and letters, and wow what a difference 18 or 19 years makes.  First the pictures,  young thin all my hair and if I look closley a fire and desire to make a difference in the world.  There was such excitment an attitue of bring it on.  I look at the pictures of me and of J together when we were younger and dare I say happier and I wonder what in the world happened.   I'm no longer thin, I no longer have hair, by choice of course, and the make a difference in the world attitude has been ground out of me, I can do anything has turned to I hope to do something, don't bring that fire over here in fact here's a fire extinguisher use it, and you can keep it whatever it is because one of the things I have learned in the 18 to 19 years since meeting my wife, who incidentally deserves sainthood for putting up with me, is that IT can get you into all kinds of mess and bring with IT heartache, misery, and failure.  Measuring the Aaron of today with the Aaron of that bygone time makes me realize that I dont mesure up at all to him, in fact I have let him down in key areas of my life. 

Along with the pictures were the notes and letters, a much more telling ghost of Aaron's past, rattling chains like Marley, and spouting platitudes like Jimminy Crickett in the Disney version of the beloved Dickens classic.  If the picutres didn't show a man with drive, and desire the words make it even more so.  Letters to J show a guy who has his stuff together, is sure of his calling and knows where he is going to be and what God has him on the earth to do.  Letters from J show a woman who has not had to deal with or go through the mess of being the Aaron of Christmas Present.  A spiritual leader, a guy who could do anything, a woman who saw a man that was strong and safe and had a life of ministry laid out ahead of him to end with teaching at his Alma Matter.  The man in the letters has been equally let down.  I dont measure up to him either. 

As I sit here writing, and coghing and writing and coughing I have some dampness around the eyes. 

I have these three ladies living with me who need me to be so much more than I am, I need to be so much more than I am.  I need that fire that I can do it that I fall down I get up mentality and I just dont have it.  I read, I pray I ask God for direction I ask that He helps make the right decisions, I ask that doors are opened and that someone will see that I have someting more to offer the world and the church than a has been used up failure.  Thats the bottom line, the thing that keeps me up that makes me upset that turns me inward, the failure aspect of it all.  

If you had asked me 17 years ago where I would be December 2010 I would have told you that I would be partnering with other youth and young adult leaders for camps, and conventions while running a youth group that was reaching into the world,  we would be gearing up for a Youth Christmas outreach to rival that of Extreme Home Makeover,  and a Pagent that would help people realize that real meaning of Christmas.  Instead I'm typing a blog post at my house trying not to cry for the things that are lost that can never be again. 

Today I feel  small...

Powered by Qumana