Sitting at play land is one of those things that I do because I know that my kid needs something other than the house, and so do I. Plus I'm a schedule guy if you can believe it. Things should happen a certain way we sit at the same places for dinner, if I'm playing a game that has percentages of things found or tricks learned to be complete I have to do them in order, and Thursday is Play Land day for Z.
Last week when we came they dude at the front counter gave her a happy meal toy because she was cute. Last night she said and I'll get a toy. I tried to explain to her that this didn't always happen, that she probably wont get a toy we don't get happy meals much and thats fine with our kids but wouldn't you know it the guy at the counter did it again today, gave her a toy she lit up she loved it. I'm glad, it's nice for kids to be able to still find magic in a my little pony toy. It's nice that she has this, I would get her one all the time if I could but it's really not feasible. So she gets a happy meal toy and is happy with it and I get some time to blog and watch her.
It's funny though she is ready to leave, this after saying "I wish my friend was here." I can understand her. I have friends but I wish my friends were here too.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
quiver full my eye
One of the big problems that I have always had has been the slight leftward bend that I tend to view the world through. As you may imagine this does not always set well with people especially religious people or people that hold to some extreme forms of evangelicalism, I have always been an NPR listener and I love living in DC as we have a great npr station that doesn't just play classical music all day.
This group of people who have decided that the way to please God and spread Christianity is to have a bunch of kids. The one lady that they interviewed had eight and wanted more. Their idea is that God knows how many kids that they can handle so they will keep having them till God shuts her womb or opens it.
Ok so here's my problem with that. What if you can't have a kid, does that mean that you are broken, that God doesn't care. Or what if you can't have a quiver full as these people say you should? It amazes me the Christians that get the most air time. Instead of talking to a normal every day Christian, who pays their taxes and loves God and goes to work and to church when they can and has friends and isn't some cook who always talks about the end of the world, or assassinating presidents from other countries, or the evils of homosexuality. Genuine Christians, who see a world that is hurting and in need, who realize that the answer for the problems and sickness is God but who don't push the agenda of God as much as they are salt and light. Living a life pleasing to God that others will see and want to emulate.
Why must Christians in the Media be equated with people who have a billion kids, or people who home school (not anything wrong with homeschool but why are the families that they show on tv homeschooling always the ones that you wish would just keep to themselves) the people that are so heavenly minded they are no earthly good.
Here's the thing, if you want to have a load of kids thats fine if you can afford it but don't blame it on God or use him as an excuse. I believe there comes a point when we must be responsible and use the brain we were given. It's not fair to pad your numbers with born into it converts, thats not being salt and light thats just procreation for the sake of numbers.
This group of people who have decided that the way to please God and spread Christianity is to have a bunch of kids. The one lady that they interviewed had eight and wanted more. Their idea is that God knows how many kids that they can handle so they will keep having them till God shuts her womb or opens it.
Ok so here's my problem with that. What if you can't have a kid, does that mean that you are broken, that God doesn't care. Or what if you can't have a quiver full as these people say you should? It amazes me the Christians that get the most air time. Instead of talking to a normal every day Christian, who pays their taxes and loves God and goes to work and to church when they can and has friends and isn't some cook who always talks about the end of the world, or assassinating presidents from other countries, or the evils of homosexuality. Genuine Christians, who see a world that is hurting and in need, who realize that the answer for the problems and sickness is God but who don't push the agenda of God as much as they are salt and light. Living a life pleasing to God that others will see and want to emulate.
Why must Christians in the Media be equated with people who have a billion kids, or people who home school (not anything wrong with homeschool but why are the families that they show on tv homeschooling always the ones that you wish would just keep to themselves) the people that are so heavenly minded they are no earthly good.
Here's the thing, if you want to have a load of kids thats fine if you can afford it but don't blame it on God or use him as an excuse. I believe there comes a point when we must be responsible and use the brain we were given. It's not fair to pad your numbers with born into it converts, thats not being salt and light thats just procreation for the sake of numbers.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Name Change
It strikes me that Aaron's Rants needed to have a title change. All sorts of reasons but as I was taking Amberly to school today my thoughts turned, as they always do, to the past. Aaron's Rants was part of the past the man that I was. I had that title while I was a youth pastor, don't really have a built in audience and the title was such that people in a church setting would read what the youth pastor had to say. Well I'm not a youth pastor any more, and it's a very great probability that I wont get to be again. A title change seemed in order.
The Blog has been about my thoughts on God and other things. Stuff that happens to my family, stupid human tricks that I do like sledding (check the video blog from a couple weeks ago) and funny stuff that happens at times with my kids.
Hope the name change brings other readers, and if you are one of the regulars let me know what you think. I wish I had a few more comments.
The Blog has been about my thoughts on God and other things. Stuff that happens to my family, stupid human tricks that I do like sledding (check the video blog from a couple weeks ago) and funny stuff that happens at times with my kids.
Hope the name change brings other readers, and if you are one of the regulars let me know what you think. I wish I had a few more comments.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
random
The past few days have been like a yo yo for me. I go up to being happy and down to being bummed. You would think after 10 months I would be over it, but how do you get over people that you love and a place that you enjoyed being. I guess you don't
For years I have thought that Christians that make this big deal about wanting Jesus to come back were useless. So focused on getting out of earth that they forget we are supposed to be doing things while here on earth. There are times that I still think that way. It seems so easy to look at life and say well who cares when the rapture happens I'm out of here. Gets us off the hook. Keeps us from really having to care or look at the harder issues in the world today.
What if though. What if we are wrong, what if there was a big bang, what if all of this is it and once we die we die.
What if though, what if God isn't what we believe Him to be. What if God set this whole thing in motion and walked away to another project after he found out that we were gonna mess it up?
What if the other religions that we are so quick to say are evil and wrong are right?
Why would I say these things. Well they are questions that I think everyone has. I think a lot of us who have been in the Church and have been Christians, if we were honest, wonder the same thing. I wonder these things especially when I see people from other religions or from no religion at all doing and living principles that we see Jesus living and doing in our scripture. It happens, I know all the answers that we are supposed to give, shoot I have given them. But the more I look at things and process things the more I think that God wants more from us than looking up to the sky and saying hey get us out of here.
See if what we believe is true, and for the record I still believe it, then God came to us and became one of us and was here, yes he knew the reason, he knew what was going to happen, but he had a mission and he stayed till it was finished, I am afraid that Christians have decided that the mission is over without meeting all the steps. I think we have decided that we don't belong here, and so we have in many aspects shut down.
Guess what we belong here, here was created for us and until God decides to get the extreme earth makeover rolling we need to stop looking for an escape claus and get our hands a little dirty.
For years I have thought that Christians that make this big deal about wanting Jesus to come back were useless. So focused on getting out of earth that they forget we are supposed to be doing things while here on earth. There are times that I still think that way. It seems so easy to look at life and say well who cares when the rapture happens I'm out of here. Gets us off the hook. Keeps us from really having to care or look at the harder issues in the world today.
What if though. What if we are wrong, what if there was a big bang, what if all of this is it and once we die we die.
What if though, what if God isn't what we believe Him to be. What if God set this whole thing in motion and walked away to another project after he found out that we were gonna mess it up?
What if the other religions that we are so quick to say are evil and wrong are right?
Why would I say these things. Well they are questions that I think everyone has. I think a lot of us who have been in the Church and have been Christians, if we were honest, wonder the same thing. I wonder these things especially when I see people from other religions or from no religion at all doing and living principles that we see Jesus living and doing in our scripture. It happens, I know all the answers that we are supposed to give, shoot I have given them. But the more I look at things and process things the more I think that God wants more from us than looking up to the sky and saying hey get us out of here.
See if what we believe is true, and for the record I still believe it, then God came to us and became one of us and was here, yes he knew the reason, he knew what was going to happen, but he had a mission and he stayed till it was finished, I am afraid that Christians have decided that the mission is over without meeting all the steps. I think we have decided that we don't belong here, and so we have in many aspects shut down.
Guess what we belong here, here was created for us and until God decides to get the extreme earth makeover rolling we need to stop looking for an escape claus and get our hands a little dirty.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
dreams
I hate dreams, they used to be pretty cool. When you were a kid dreams made nights better and telling them if you could remember them was always fun. I even liked that sometimes you couldn't remember dreams, it made them even more special, even nightmares can be kinda fun if you remember them in the morning, something to laugh at wen you realize that it's nothing.
Lately though my dreams and nightmares are pretty much synonymous. What I mean is they are good dreams when I am dreaming them. In all of them I'm coming out of a room or a building and there are all the people that I care about J the Girls and people from Harvest or even Calvary. In the dream the leadership is having conversation with me and we are getting ready to go back and start over. Leading and being what I am. It takes work, and we all recognize it but we are all willing to do the work because it's going to make things better in the long run, not just for me but for everyone. People like me again and I even start to like myself.
Thats why it's a nightmare because I wake up and realize that I'm still where I am, I realize that I'm a failure, I realize that I still feel the same way about myself as I have for the past 9 months. Every day is the same. I know I should be moving on I get it but how do you do that.
"Three Cheers for Sweet Oblivion" Absolutely.
Lately though my dreams and nightmares are pretty much synonymous. What I mean is they are good dreams when I am dreaming them. In all of them I'm coming out of a room or a building and there are all the people that I care about J the Girls and people from Harvest or even Calvary. In the dream the leadership is having conversation with me and we are getting ready to go back and start over. Leading and being what I am. It takes work, and we all recognize it but we are all willing to do the work because it's going to make things better in the long run, not just for me but for everyone. People like me again and I even start to like myself.
Thats why it's a nightmare because I wake up and realize that I'm still where I am, I realize that I'm a failure, I realize that I still feel the same way about myself as I have for the past 9 months. Every day is the same. I know I should be moving on I get it but how do you do that.
"Three Cheers for Sweet Oblivion" Absolutely.
Monday, March 16, 2009
countdown
It's been and I am sure will continue to be a journey into the unknown, but ya know the thing is no matter who you are it must be that. While we are promised some things in the bible we are not really promised tomorrow, shoot we are not promised our next breath, we get that from God sure but we do not know if it's going to happen. Sitting here breathing in and out I am really struck by the fragility of humanity.
I am also struck by the past 8 months plus. I have and continue to have big up's and downs, I am sure other people do as well but it just seems more pronounced for me. I am looking forward to a few things in the coming weeks, and really just want to move on.
I miss people, a lot. I miss tons of people I wonder what they are doing I wonder at how much if at all they can understand or whatever. It's a difficult place to be. Just because I dont think I need to hear what people have to say in fact it is so long afterwards it makes little matter I miss the people. While I don't want to see people it's not because I dont care about them, but because I'm so tired of being sad and depressed, and seeing them will bring that all back to the front.
I dont believe I will ever be over this, ever. I am still very sad and miss the work and the kids and the parents and all that goes with it.
So to those up in WI that are reading, if you still are, please understand that it's not you it's me, I know this sounds very um breakupish the thing you say to the girl or guy that you break up with but still care about but it's true, It's not you it's me. I am just not mature enough or in a place that makes me want to dredge it all back up. Plus even if you dont I put my feelings about me on you and think that you may be thinking that way. So there is not a lot of like there if that makes sense.
I am also struck by the past 8 months plus. I have and continue to have big up's and downs, I am sure other people do as well but it just seems more pronounced for me. I am looking forward to a few things in the coming weeks, and really just want to move on.
I miss people, a lot. I miss tons of people I wonder what they are doing I wonder at how much if at all they can understand or whatever. It's a difficult place to be. Just because I dont think I need to hear what people have to say in fact it is so long afterwards it makes little matter I miss the people. While I don't want to see people it's not because I dont care about them, but because I'm so tired of being sad and depressed, and seeing them will bring that all back to the front.
I dont believe I will ever be over this, ever. I am still very sad and miss the work and the kids and the parents and all that goes with it.
So to those up in WI that are reading, if you still are, please understand that it's not you it's me, I know this sounds very um breakupish the thing you say to the girl or guy that you break up with but still care about but it's true, It's not you it's me. I am just not mature enough or in a place that makes me want to dredge it all back up. Plus even if you dont I put my feelings about me on you and think that you may be thinking that way. So there is not a lot of like there if that makes sense.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Too Much To Ask
Back in the day Thursday was known as Daddy Day. The day I spent with my girls. I looked forward to it with great anticipation. It was fun, and I have sorta kept the tradition alive. Thursday is get gas in the car day, the cheapest place happens to be right next to a McDonald's play land. Every Thursday I get gas at the Exon station and then Z and I head on over to MCD's We spend 20 on gas and 3 at the restraunt for a sweet tea, 2 hashbrowns and a egg and cheese biscuit that we share. Then she plays for a while and I'm able to blog a bit and look for jobs and work on stuff for my return to school.
I love where we live, there are so many people, different cultures and it's really cool I like the diversity, however I think that every company that has people that deal with the public needs to be sure that the people in direct contact with the public can be clearly understood and can clearly understand
what the customer is saying. If it takes me 10 minutes to make it clear that I want a $1 egg and cheese biscuit not a $1 something else there is a problem. When the person getting me my food can't speak clear English it is frustrating. I feel the same thing for those that speak spanish. Where we live there are so many diverse cultures that they need to adapt and be able to serve us all. It's good to have Spanish speakers, and english speakers and such just know what you are doing if you are fluent in Spanish but not so much with English then get the person that is a clear english speaker for me and serve the guy behind me who is an awesome Spanish understanderer but not so much English.
Too much to ask, probably but it makes sense.
Oh yea, don't get me started on Tech Support
I love where we live, there are so many people, different cultures and it's really cool I like the diversity, however I think that every company that has people that deal with the public needs to be sure that the people in direct contact with the public can be clearly understood and can clearly understand
what the customer is saying. If it takes me 10 minutes to make it clear that I want a $1 egg and cheese biscuit not a $1 something else there is a problem. When the person getting me my food can't speak clear English it is frustrating. I feel the same thing for those that speak spanish. Where we live there are so many diverse cultures that they need to adapt and be able to serve us all. It's good to have Spanish speakers, and english speakers and such just know what you are doing if you are fluent in Spanish but not so much with English then get the person that is a clear english speaker for me and serve the guy behind me who is an awesome Spanish understanderer but not so much English.
Too much to ask, probably but it makes sense.
Oh yea, don't get me started on Tech Support
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
how do you start over
A million years ago, well ok not a million but it sure feels that way, I had a choice to make, I could choose to be youth pastor, go to college get a degree become a minister, or go to college get a degree and become a speech pathologist. I remember choosing the youth pastor thing, I remember what it was like to feel a calling, I remember how it all seemed to just work out that it was what it was supposed to be.
I was really good at it. I am a great youth pastor. I know how to teach, I know how to build a group. I suck at money management, I won't touch anything that doesn't come from an allowance that I am given, never again. I just had to be the man and it cost me a lot. That's all gone now. What is, is the fact that I have to start over, and the question of how screams at me. I am getting ready to take a test so I can get into Grad School. I'm scared to death. I am not sure how I'm going to do it, I just know I have to. Do I want to be a speech Pathologist. The answer is complicated, well not really the answer is if I can't be a Youth Pastor then I want to be a speech pathologist.
I guess thats a yes, but what if someone decided they wanted to give me a chance at being a youth pastor again, what would I do? I don't know, I would want to but should I?
I was really good at it. I am a great youth pastor. I know how to teach, I know how to build a group. I suck at money management, I won't touch anything that doesn't come from an allowance that I am given, never again. I just had to be the man and it cost me a lot. That's all gone now. What is, is the fact that I have to start over, and the question of how screams at me. I am getting ready to take a test so I can get into Grad School. I'm scared to death. I am not sure how I'm going to do it, I just know I have to. Do I want to be a speech Pathologist. The answer is complicated, well not really the answer is if I can't be a Youth Pastor then I want to be a speech pathologist.
I guess thats a yes, but what if someone decided they wanted to give me a chance at being a youth pastor again, what would I do? I don't know, I would want to but should I?
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Closure
Seeking closure is something that people associate with death. Well there has been a death the death of all that I have known and all that I ever was, which of course means that I need to get some closure. I need things to be done, it looks as if this is finally going to happen, then what?
Well a few things. The people that I thought I needed to hear from I find I don't really need to hear from. I have no desire to talk to or see people that I knew, at least I keep telling myself that. I'm sure soon I'll believe it.
People wonder what I would do or why I'm not trying to do things. I just am so afraid of it all, plus I just don't want to have the relationships any more. I just want to put my head down and take care of my kids and work at some job or whatever. Calling bah humbug, gifting who cares, desires not allowed to have them or not allowing myself to have them.
Ministry is over for me and after april first I will be able to forget or at least I'll tell myself that I can and sometimes thats the only thing we can do. Recognize that perception is reality and that we do make our own truth. I'll just manufacture one that says I'm happy and that I don't need the people and the work that I was born to do.
Well a few things. The people that I thought I needed to hear from I find I don't really need to hear from. I have no desire to talk to or see people that I knew, at least I keep telling myself that. I'm sure soon I'll believe it.
People wonder what I would do or why I'm not trying to do things. I just am so afraid of it all, plus I just don't want to have the relationships any more. I just want to put my head down and take care of my kids and work at some job or whatever. Calling bah humbug, gifting who cares, desires not allowed to have them or not allowing myself to have them.
Ministry is over for me and after april first I will be able to forget or at least I'll tell myself that I can and sometimes thats the only thing we can do. Recognize that perception is reality and that we do make our own truth. I'll just manufacture one that says I'm happy and that I don't need the people and the work that I was born to do.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
out of sight...
This seems to be conventional wisdom for some. They think that as long as you can't see something then you don't have to think about it. Well as most know this is one of those platitudes that one says to make themselves feel better.
It's not true though just because I don't see things doesn't mean that they are out of my mind or heart. I guess I need to say that here because some may think that I don't care about others, or that I don't feel what they think I should feel or how I should feel it. There does however come a time when you have to face the facts that the feelings and longings you have are just that feelings and longings. I think that people who want to feel upset or to try and say the person that they are upset with hasn't done what they want them to do when it comes to remorse or forgiveness or whatever is more about them. That they have power as long as they can say to themselves that the other person just didn't do enough to get my forgiveness, acceptance, grace whatever it is. Humanity loves power thats one of our chief problems and even if it's power over another person we crave it. I'm not accusing anyone I'm just realizing that all those times when I have said that the other person didn't do it right was me attempting to exercise some form of control or power over them, the thing is that only works if the person allows it.
So what's this mean. Not sure, as a people pleaser it's hard for me to not allow people's feelings and opinions about me to rule my life, but I do know I need to try.
I wish I could say that out of sight out of mind was true. It's not though, at least not for me.
It's not true though just because I don't see things doesn't mean that they are out of my mind or heart. I guess I need to say that here because some may think that I don't care about others, or that I don't feel what they think I should feel or how I should feel it. There does however come a time when you have to face the facts that the feelings and longings you have are just that feelings and longings. I think that people who want to feel upset or to try and say the person that they are upset with hasn't done what they want them to do when it comes to remorse or forgiveness or whatever is more about them. That they have power as long as they can say to themselves that the other person just didn't do enough to get my forgiveness, acceptance, grace whatever it is. Humanity loves power thats one of our chief problems and even if it's power over another person we crave it. I'm not accusing anyone I'm just realizing that all those times when I have said that the other person didn't do it right was me attempting to exercise some form of control or power over them, the thing is that only works if the person allows it.
So what's this mean. Not sure, as a people pleaser it's hard for me to not allow people's feelings and opinions about me to rule my life, but I do know I need to try.
I wish I could say that out of sight out of mind was true. It's not though, at least not for me.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Things that make you go HMMMMM
Some things just really sort of amaze me, and the only real way explain the thoughts is by invoking those old C and C music factory lyrics.
Thing 1, Social networking.
What is a friends list, why does a person have a friends list and what does it say about that person.
I tend to view friends lists and social networking as being a way to keep in touch and in contact with people that I have missed or that I want to keep contact with. I am not a buddy list or friends list whore. Sorry if that language is strong but it fits. I have been going HMMMMMM when it comes to some of the people that have been requesting to be friends not so much with me but with J things that just make me go HMMMMMM.
Thing 2, the jumping off point. I have been a pastor in my life, not any more but I was one. I know ow to prepare and to teach I know how to preach and was pretty good at it for all intents and purposes. So I can't for the life of me figure out why or how people jump off with what they preach or teach. I know how it happens. Look hard enough and proof text enough and you can make the Bible say whatever you want it to say. So today I have said HMMMMM.
Thing 3, will I ever be able to sing again or enjoy church again. This is a big hmmm and I must confess that as of now I'm guessing that's a big fat no, but who knows that may happen some day.
Thing 4, people who follow so close behind you when your in the mall with your kids because there is a free fair thing there and the play land is great for about an hour of not being pulled in a million directions and they just keep running into the back of your feet with their stroller.
Just some of the thoughts I have. These things make me go HMMMMM
Thing 1, Social networking.
What is a friends list, why does a person have a friends list and what does it say about that person.
I tend to view friends lists and social networking as being a way to keep in touch and in contact with people that I have missed or that I want to keep contact with. I am not a buddy list or friends list whore. Sorry if that language is strong but it fits. I have been going HMMMMMM when it comes to some of the people that have been requesting to be friends not so much with me but with J things that just make me go HMMMMMM.
Thing 2, the jumping off point. I have been a pastor in my life, not any more but I was one. I know ow to prepare and to teach I know how to preach and was pretty good at it for all intents and purposes. So I can't for the life of me figure out why or how people jump off with what they preach or teach. I know how it happens. Look hard enough and proof text enough and you can make the Bible say whatever you want it to say. So today I have said HMMMMM.
Thing 3, will I ever be able to sing again or enjoy church again. This is a big hmmm and I must confess that as of now I'm guessing that's a big fat no, but who knows that may happen some day.
Thing 4, people who follow so close behind you when your in the mall with your kids because there is a free fair thing there and the play land is great for about an hour of not being pulled in a million directions and they just keep running into the back of your feet with their stroller.
Just some of the thoughts I have. These things make me go HMMMMM
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Until I Wasn't
I've been writing some different things lately. This one has been kicking around in my head the last few days so I decided to go ahead ...
