Happiness or Hedonism

 One of the more difficult aspects of this whole task of living after, is the elusive feeling of happiness.  I say feeling of happiness because at least to me this is true; If happiness is a feeling, then the corresponding emotion would be joy.  I believe I talked about emotion -vs- feelings once already but I feel a need to drill down on this particular feeling and emotion mainly because I think we are way to keen on chasing this feeling.  

I mean if you think about it, especially in America we as people who claim to follow Christ have ascribed a book, chapter and verse to the following statement.  

"We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             Thomas Jefferson

Now don't get me wrong, as an American I am very thankful for the declaration of independence.  I am glad that I live in a nation that allows me the freedoms I have, I thank God for those freedoms but too many times in the world that is American Christianity we have for some reason decided to canonize documents produced by our founding fathers if not in actuality, in practicality. Choosing to ascribe divine inspiration to the freedoms that we are afforded.  

The problem with doing this is, throughout the New Testament we find things that directly contradict the idea of God, Guns, and Glory.  Or Money, Power, Fame, or..or...or.  It's anathema to me that many in the church today claim to follow Christ and yet resemble some hedonistic king or queen in their pursuit of "blessings."  To often confusing stuff for synchronicity with the Holy Spirit.   We look at the pursuit of happiness as the thing that shows we are blessed and we are called and all that.  The evidence of which is not really what God says is supposed to make us "happy."   

Now don't get me wrong.  I like being happy.  Some of my best memories are or will be the times that we would be together doing things that built our families relationship.  Vacations, Games, Fireworks, Service projects, car rides where I acted like an idiot on purpose.  Those are happy times, happy thoughts and while some of them right now bring pain and sadness, I am told by people who know, that there will come a point when they will not just be full of pain and sadness but that they will offer a warm place to retreat to and remember and like a morsel of semi-sweet chocolate, ultimately bring a sense of contentment as they are tasted.  Right now though that's not the case. 

I think the issue is we confuse happiness with hedonism, maybe that's not right, we think hedonism is the path to happiness, and even if we don't admit it we try to manufacture the feeling of happiness by feeding the parts of us that "feel"  the most.  What makes me feel warm, what makes me feel exhilarated, what makes me feel content, what makes me feel alive, what makes me feel calm, what makes me feel loved, what makes me, me me.  

Aristotle actually talks about the difference between happiness and hedonism.  He believed that true happiness was not contingent upon pleasures or even a sum of pleasures but instead a well being that consists and exists because of well doing.  He understood something fundamental.  Pleasures last for a moment.  Going back to that bitter sweet chocolate I mentioned earlier and I mean actually semi sweet chocolate not the metaphorical kind that I was talking about.  No matter how much you and I savor something like that, weather we hog it down or slowly let it melt on our tongue savoring the taste, eventually that taste and the corresponding feeling will be gone.  Pleasures are great but when we live a life attempting to pursue them we end up exhausting ourselves because there is no end to wanting them.  Speak to any person that lives for that next high.  It always takes more to reach the feeling.

What Aristotle is talking about and, more importantly scripture, tells us something different.  Pursing pleasures (hedonism)  on this earth will be futile, no matter how hard we try we will never really be content with that as our goal.  When we read the whole life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness we forget that.  So many get so caught up in the pursuit of happiness they forget to stop and just be happy where they are and with what they have.  They forget how good it feels when they serve others, they forget the light in the eyes when someone receives a gift from another person.  They smile that they feel when they have truly thought of someone else over themself, and so in "the pursuit of happiness" they run right past the very thing that can truly let them experience that happiness.  

Josie was good at not running past others in pursuit of her own pleasure.  She truly embodied happy because of the people she was serving, and to be clear she served all of us in her family.  Taking the time to know what we enjoyed and to find ways to join us in the thing that brought us pleasure, even if it wasn't her thing.  

I know that she is all over this blog lately, and I'm glad.  She taught me so much and her absence is the most painful thing ever but it has also taught me some things.   It has shown me how integral we can be in helping others in their pursuit of happiness and in doing so finally attaining some of our own.  I believe with all that is in me that Josie had figured out at nine what it meant to live not in happiness but in Joy.  She got more than the feeling, she knew where that feeling grew out of.  The joy that comes from the one who made us.

See ya around.  

Traction

 One of the things that I deal with lately, aside from the obvious, is getting traction.  I am not really into the laundry list of things that keep me in a constant spin, it makes no sense and there really is not reason to bring them up again but they are real, they are somewhere on the blog and in the videos I post and well yeah you get the picture, 

Sometimes it's just too much.  In fact lately it is more than too much at times.  I find myself getting frustrated at times and just wanting to scream obscenities.  It's crazy how that is.  The further from the thing, the harder it is to get traction.  To put things in proper perspective. 

I'm tired is what it is, tired and depressed, and frustrated, and confused, and, and, and....

I guess that what really makes it hard is the fact that I don't really see any way around what has to be done, and normally I just can shrug and put my head down and do what has to be done without feeling the way I do now.  I'm still putting my head down, and doing the things that have to be done but the feelings are so intense when they wash over me that it can be ever more frustrating and overwhelming.   This truth coupled with the promise that life is forever altered in fundamental ways makes it hard to not retreat into my own mind and heart and soul and just go from doing things with purpose and intention to doing things because they have to be done and the sooner I get them done the sooner I can wallow.

I'm not sure why humans like to wallow but I'm beginning to think that wallowing is a default.  We look at wallowing as something that can only be attached to the bad things and feelings, and for me that's true. I mean at any given point in the day I wallow in self pity, in anger, in frustration, in sadness, bitterness and resentment.  But it's equally possible to wallow in happiness, fun, euphoria you get the idea.  We like to camp out no matter what the feeling because we self justify. 

The problem with letting ourselves wallow in any one of these feelings and places is that when we do that we distance ourselves from so many people and things that can help. Even when we are with people we are distanced and that's hard. I know that there are times I can be in a place with people, people who care, people who have shown so much support and I'm miles away, hearing but not really listening or processing what is being said, which, I mean lets be honest, can be really awkward if you don't know how to nod and smile and build a proper response based on the last snippets of what others are saying.  

It's this wallowing that leads to the in-ability to gain any sense of traction.  I do things, that's what has always been.  Worth is gained by accomplishment right?  I mean that's how I have operated for most of my life.  When I get something done, when a job is finished, when something works and I see the final result I feel worth it in the grander scheme of life.  Like I'm doing something that matters.  But, and here's the hard part, how do you do things when you can't get any traction.  How do you have a productive day when it starts curled around a teddy bear in bed or on the floor, knowing that you should be able get back to something that resembles more than existing, more then just doing things that have to be done.  

I know that there is no right way to do this, I get that.  I know that there are stages to grief and all that.  I just want to feel like there is more than shuffling along.  I can hear myself getting short with people, I can see the frustration bubbling out when I interact and I know better and I tell myself. "Hey back up they are upset too, they are just as much as a mess if not more than you, and even though I know that I feel the frustration pop out and it's just so frustrating.  Again that traction thing.  

As I move further and further into life without.  I am realizing that there are entire days where I just don't want to life.  I used to say I don't want to today, but it's more than that, I don't want to life sometimes.  I really did think that there would be something else happening at this point.  I thought that the tears would be different but they aren't.  I am moving back into things in life, but if I'm honest, which is what this whole blog is about, I just am going through the motions.  I know that's okay in some ways but for me, that is not how I like to work, it's not how I like to live.  

So that's it.  The past few days I just can't seem to get traction and that in and of itself is just wrong for me.  

See ya around

Getting out of my head...

It's been harder and harder to get out of my head lately.  I think that's par for the course, sure of it actually.  I guess what makes this whole thing so hard is the inability to get traction.  It's all the little reminders, and the big ones, it's the tears that seem to reside right at the corner of my eyes every day.  They don't even threaten any more they just do what they please like some gang that has taken over the turf of my emotions and just doesn't really care. 

That's the thing about what's going on in life.  When something as big as this happens there really is no playbook that tells you the right way to deal with it.  There are other people who have been stuck in the same place and they have a playbook, the one that works for them, and they can share that and it can have things that are helpful but when something is this personal and raw you realize that there is no real universal way to deal with the feelings and thoughts and emotions that you cycle through not just on a daily basis but on a minute by minute one. You notice that I said feelings and emotions, as if they are separate.  I guess to me they are.  Feelings, to me at least, are the result of emotions.  Its why we can have our feelings hurt, we don't have our emotions hurt.  Psychologists seem to agree with me on this.  The way one article from Wake Forest University puts it is like this, I am of course paraphrasing,  Feelings are experienced consciously, emotions on the other hand can be experienced both consciously or subconsciously.  Which is probably why there are times that we know something is going on in our mind or heart or soul or whatever, but we can't really figure out what it is, we can't name it we just know it's there.  That's emotion, at least that's what I'm thinking at this point.  Again me being able to really identify much in the way of emotion and feeling beyond sadness, or anger, or loss or well yeah you get the idea, right now is highly suspect.  

Still I need to get out of my head sometimes, if I stay in that space for too long I find myself moving from it's okay to not be okay but it's not okay to stay that way, to I'm just not okay, I don't think I'll ever be okay and for that matter I don't want to be okay.  I want to be where I am I want to wallow in the mess that is because well it makes sense.  When I am able to get out of my head, even if it's for a short amount of time, those moments are the ones that a bit of light breaks in and I can see the fingers of God at work in the world in positive ways.  They are in the baby birds that have grown up where I walk the dog, they are in the flowers that grow and bloom, or the way that my dog barks and is happy when I get back or when I pet him.  They are in super moons, and stars that move across the sky.  They are in Snaps from Thing One from Jump School or hugs from Thing Two, or the touch of a hand as we watch TV.  They are in playing games with friends across the miles on Xbox, and Facebook posts and encouragement that come from others.  All of those things help all of those things can come though when I'm out of my head for a bit.  The problem is I have to go back eventually, and when I do it can be a fight to just want to breath. 

The problem with a thing like this, the problem with dealing with this type of loss and death is that its not one that really makes sense or that you can really wrap your head and heart and soul around.  It's the senselessness sure but it's more than that.  It's the bottomless pit of loss that yawns in front of you.  I've talked about the things that remind us of Me Me and they are everywhere and that's what's hard how do you avoid everywhere?  You can't and so getting out of your head for a while lets you at least not deal with everywhere for a bit, even knowing that you have to come back.  

Each time I come back I find boxes of memories waiting to be dealt with.  There are the good ones, the fun ones and the ones that I wish were not there.  The times I said wait a minute, or we will do that later, or after you get this done.  Nothing wrong with those things at the time, it's the regret that comes after the loss that makes me question how important was it to bug her about that kitchen stool being left in front of the sink, or where the cupboard was?  Why did I waste time with a nap on Sundays when I could have been doing more with her.. .with all of my family for that matter.  I can come up with loads of reasons for things being what they are and while I logically know that they don't matter in the long run, in the short term they sneak into my mind and heart and poke at the emotions laying there making me feel things that are not really reasonable to feel. 

Two weeks before the big ugly Me Me and I sat on My bed playing Super Marios Odyssey, she was the cap I was the plumber...I asked if she wanted to switch and she said yes lets switch, only to decide after about 3 minutes that we should go back to what was.  That's how her and I were together.  We knew how we fit and if you ever get to see some of the pictures that we have of us together, which I will eventually be able to look at without losing it, you'll see what I see.  The thing that I have had with all three of my children, a familiarity and a trust that is born from being together and knowing where we fit and how we work best together.  

For instance... Thing 1...

My "I'm gonna try anything and probably be good at it."  If I want to ride a roller coaster she's it, if I want to go white water rafting she's the one that will jump in the boat.  We hold a special bond, I have a pair of joggers from her gotcha weekend and I still wear them sometimes.  She's currently learning how to jump out of a perfectly good air plane and I couldn't be prouder while being terrified all at once.  

Thing 2...

My no nonsense, things are what they are and right now you're being rather silly dad kid.  To say Z is literal would be the understatement of the century.  Creative, artistic, smart all of those things sum this one up.  We share the ability to make all sorts of comments during movies and shows that tend to drive others in the family a bit nuts but hey it works for us.

and of course...

Thing 3...

She would try anything, anything at all at least once, even if she wasn't sure, as long as I said it was something to try she would give it her best. Sometimes she loved it sometimes not so much but she would try, and after trying she would make sure I understood if we were going to do that again or not so much. 

To be crystal clear every one of them is special, every one of them has a link with me that is unique, I love every one of them.  I'm blessed to have had them in my life as I have to have gotten to live with and learn with and grow with them.  Right now I'm kinda stuck on thing three and the hole that's there but that hole could be worse, so much worse.

See what most people don't know is for the last 18 years I have had a recurring nightmare.  It's always the same.  It started with just Joyce and Amberly, but soon grew to add Z and Josie as well.  In this nightmare there is a knock on my door, it doesn't really matter the time, but it's always the same, there is a knock on my door and the person that is on the other side tells me that I need to sit down, and that they are sorry to tell me but there was an accident and that there was nothing anyone could do and suddenly that's it from family to none in one ugly messed up moment. Which makes what happened on May 16, 2021 so messed up in some respects because as I was drifting into my nap after a long Sunday there was a knock on my door and it was my uncle and as we all know dear reader, there was an accident.  Which makes things even harder to deal with because, even though I know that it's not the truth, I know that we don't manifest things, and I don't believe in clairvoyance or any of that stuff, I have to wonder did all those dreams finally somehow push into the real world, a self fulfilling prophesy in a way that robbed us all of this amazing precious thing.  

Now you can see why it's so important for me to sometimes get out of my head.  It's pretty messed up in there.  It's full of all kinds of scary things that all lead to the same place and well that place makes no sense and probably won't any time soon.  So I like those times I can get out of my head, away from the things that I can't change, that make no sense and that won't ever make sense.  

What I know is, what I wrap into at night as I pull that stuffed panda bear close is the fact that for the foreseeable future there will be a lot of sad, a lot of messed up anger and angst and emotions and feelings and all of it, but I also know and realize how much larger that hole could have been, because I've had the very real nightmares to show me and while I never really understood exactly what that loss really would feel like, now that I do I can tell you I know the hole could have been a lot bigger, and a lot harder to even come close to dealing with.  This one is so much more than I can deal with and well here we are dear reader, me trying to work it out the only way I know how and you reading my thoughts and feelings in their basest form.

Thank's for your time...

A