As the night winds down…

I love to write, it’s one of those things that I get a lot of joy out of, even when I am read by all of three people the world over I enjoy getting words on screen and out into the great wide world.  I try and write something at least every other day and there are times when I get it in my head that I am going to be sure and write every day, that usually lasts a week or two and then there are huge chunks of time where I don’t get anything posted.  I am still writing on those days, but it’s in fits and starts, if I look at the draft folder on what I use to post to my blog I have at any given time several drafts working at once, pop over to my tablet and there are notes of ideas for blogs, or thoughts for talks or messages I would love to one day preach. Evernote also will have ideas pasted into it on occasion, and of course it goes without saying that the girls all four of them that are an integral part of my life give me ample material, sometimes I just don’t get the thoughts down in time or I realize that I need to handle with care when it comes to them. 

What this means of course is that I am sitting in my parents living room, one night before we head back to DC, listening to Kings of Leon, and thinking back on what this Christmas has meant to my folks, and to my family, I am also thinking about the previous year.  As the night winds down and well, as the year winds down I am left with a mixed bag of feelings for 2012. 

Spending the majority of 2012 banging ones head against the wall, working to bring a fresh outlook and minor changes to an organization was such a waste, at least that’s what it seems to have been.  I will never really understand why change is so hard for some and so easy for others.

2012 found the world surviving not one, not two but  three, count them three possible end of days  scenarios the first two perpetrated by some nut with a radio show, the third perpetrated by a bunch of other nuts who decided that because a group of people didn’t add 2013 to their massive calendar it must mean that we would all be singing how fine we feel even though it’s the end of what we know…why do so many of us worry so much about the end of the world, especially those of us who claim to be Christ followers, wouldn’t our time be better spent living moving and having our being in Christ, to be actively showing the people around us how to join us in our trek through this life, and eventually into another?

This year has caused more questions in my life than it has given answers.  I want to know the next step and the next and the next, this is unfortunately not the case.  I have realized that as much as I love student ministry, and being the youth guy, I’m past the sell by date on that one.  Waking up in the morning and looking in the mirror after the shower to realize that there is more and more white in the old beard, as well as watching the stubble on my head that I now shave because, well hey I’m going to be in charge of how my hair leaves, also with more salt than pepper in it is very telling.  Far from being finished with ministry, I do believe it is time to step into a different place in the work that God has called me too.  Frightening, of course, but also very exciting. 

J just brought Jo down so I could see how much she loves her sister’s blanket.  Looking at this little girl that is part of me and realizing that in 10 years she will be 11 and well I will be 49, that too is hard to believe.  I have no idea what happened.  A few months ago it was just the two of us, a few weeks ago it was the three of us, I swear it was just last week that we became a family of four.  Now there are five of us and the oldest is 10. 

I am so blessed to be married to what I would argue is one of the most intelligent, beautiful and loving individuals on the planet.  She is beautiful now, just like she was 18 years ago.  That also amazes me I can close my eyes and see us as all those years ago, and I wonder when we stopped being newly weds and when we became just weds. 

I think what this particular bit of stream of consciousness ramblings is doing , for me at least, is bringing some things into perspective.  There are so many milestones when we first begin life.  Those big important moments in life that mean we have made it through.  First words, first steps, first day’s, Graduation, for some more than once, first real job, marriage, and children.  All these milestones are important stations in life, but then…well they just stop.  There really aren’t that many milestones left for us.  We get to enjoy our children's milestones but the next couple for J and I are pretty much retirement and death.  Don’t get me wrong I’m not planning on either of those any time soon and I’m not trying to be morbid or anything, it’s just that I have come to the realization that the thing that kids the world over strive for.  the thing that I always worked toward,  the whole being an adult, it’s not got the same excitement of being young and having the world ahead of you. 

The problem with looking at life through the lenses of age, and hindsight, is that you realize that if there really was a Delorean that would hit 88 mph, and if you could use it to travel back in time, with the knowledge you have gained from the mistakes, failures, brilliant ideas, and successes.  How different your life would be, but also how much less you would be who you are.  How much those issues and bad choices, and good choices, and mistakes and successes, how all of it has made you into who and what you are.  Taking it away from the you from years ago would somehow cheapen your life, and make it impossible to really be a force for anything in the world today. 

Ah well as the night winds down, and I take stock of where I am and who I am, I realize that while I’m not really happy with some things,  I am more blessed than most.  I have seen so many sides of life, and  those things have made me into a better person, and hopefully, prayerfully, a person that isn’t done yet.

I am Not a Christian!

Bet that title got your attention!

Each time a tragedy strikes our nation, the Christian leaders open their mouths and begin to say the stupidest, most insensitive and Un-Christ-like and Ungodly things I can think of.  Usually they have to do with the fact that God is punishing people, and bringing judgment upon them.

Now before you think I’m not going to jump on the other side of things I also take issue with all the people who want to use this as a jumping off point to debate gun control or their right to own and use guns.  This tragedy isn’t even a week old, there are still funerals for little children going on and already Facebook has been inundated with people from every side turning the tragedy into a way to debate everything from mental health care and gun control to prayer in schools.  It’s insensitive and rude.

Here’s the thing.  People who have no relationship with God watch those of us that claim that relationship, many times with great interest.  What makes it worse is the fact that many of them know the Bible better than some of us.  They also know what a “Christian” is supposed to be, they know what Jesus did and what Jesus said, mainly because they are waiting for someone that claims to be a Christian to step out of line.  It’s hard for people who’s idea of God is rooted in old testament stories told by Hollywood, or in the mythology of other cultures, or in the latest expose put on by any one of the science,technology, art and whatever else documentary channels are on TV.  I have found that the idea of grace is a foreign concept not just in the church where it is reserved solely for the sinner, but also to people outside of a relationship with God who really don’t understand that true Christianity is more than what they see on TV and what they hear on the radio.

All of this coupled with the senselessness of the past week, and an increasing realization that the name the label of Christian has become diluted, misunderstood, misinterpreted and misappropriated.  It’s easy to say I’m a Christian, ask any number of actors, singer, or sports figures and I would guess that a majority would identify themselves as Christian, some would say “well we pray before concerts”  It’s too easy to be a Christian when all you have to do is name the name and spout a few proverbs that sound Biblical even if they don’t really come from the book.  The best example I can see of this is a category from American Bible Challenge,  I find it refreshing that this is one of GSN’s top ranking shows, at the same time I find it disconcerting that a contestant who also happens to be a youth pastor doesn’t know the name of David’s first wife.  For the record it’s Michal, equally disconcerting is the inability of some to differentiate between a Quote from Lord of the Rings and a Quote from Scripture.  Christianity has become the religion of choice for so many mainly because it is arguably the easiest of all religions to espouse, especially looking at the example so many have before them today.

That is the reason for my title.  I’m not a Christian, I’m a Christ follower.  Some may say that I’m playing at a shell game, attempting to hide my beliefs from people, or being ashamed of the Gospel, perhaps some may even say that I’m denying the Father.  That’s just it though I’m not.  I am keenly aware of the work that Christ did on the cross for my sins.  I have recognized that on my own I can’t make it no matter how hard I try,  I have accepted the fact that only God can make a difference in my life and that he desired to do so through the sacrifice of his son.  I have made that acceptance part of my daily life,  I have asked for forgiveness for sin, I continue to do so.  I walk daily as best as I can with God.  I have had plenty of chances to mess up, and have done so.  I have tried to be the man, all of that is detailed in these pages just look back a ways.  You will find a angry, bitter, broken worried, caring, frightened, hurt, healthy, excited, confused, man, but you will also find a man who has been through much and will go through more.  Through it all I will cling tightly to the grace that has changed me, has allowed me to be broken, has put me back together, the grace that has saved me.

That’s another thing that I have come to realize as well.  Many people feel that salvation is God’s way of keeping His creation out of Hell, and while that is a part of it.  I have found that I don’t need to be saved from the world, or any myriad of issues there.  What I need saving from the most is from myself,  in fact it’s what we all need saved from.  Left to our own devices, no matter how much we want to disagree or argue at the end of the day we all are alone with our thoughts, feelings and desires.  Jesus wants to come in and be a part of that time in our day, the time when we are the most alone, the most vulnerable. That’s what being a Christ follower is all about,  letting him in, all the way in and then following wherever he takes you.

Looking at the reaction to last Friday’s tragedy I get frustrated and angry as I said before, because instead of reaching out to help a need everyone wants to talk about why it happened, and what could have been done or should have been done.  Here’s the problem, it’s too late to do those things, if we would recognize this, embrace that fact and then those that claim to be Christians would instead be Christ Followers, and ask him where he’s headed in the whole mess, I think we would be in a very different place.

1 Peter 3:15-16 (NLT)
¹⁵ Instead, you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if someone asks about your Christian hope, always be ready to explain it.
¹⁶ But do this in a gentle and respectful way. Keep your conscience clear. Then if people speak against you, they will be ashamed when they see what a good life you live because you belong to Christ.

Those verses say it all.  That’s what a Christ Follower does.  If we do that if we live like that people will see, and hear and listen and then maybe just maybe they will want to join us on the path as a Christ Follower.

My face is leaking…

So last night we watched The Best Christmas Pageant Ever.  Years ago, and I do mean years ago I auditioned at The Youngstown Playhouse for this stellar production and was given the part of Claud Herdman.  I was in Seventh grade at the time.  It was fun being at the playhouse, learning the lines having rehearsals, hanging out with the friends that I made there.  I remember all of us lounging on these huge rolled up carpets that were stacked and leaning haphazardly in the corner.  You know how they bend and fold and offer the perfect place to just relax if you’re all of 12 or so.  I told Amberly about it and said that grandma has a picture from the paper with me in it and probably a video tape of the performance.  She is interested in seeing daddy from all those years ago.  It was such a different time.  The world in front of you, the chance to do something and be anything.  I maintain that growing up is highly over rated, things were so much easier as a kid, and even though I didn’t realize it then, I realize it now.  I think it’s the curse of humanity to never be content, to always want to look at what's coming and what will be instead of being where we are and soaking up all that we can from that moment in time. 

As we were watching I had to laugh at the TV special version of the play I was in, mainly because so many of the lines were the same, there were times when I would just sit there and say the lines of Claud, my character, under my breath of course. 

The story is a simple one, in fact it follows a blueprint, and I think it’s safe to say that it has been duplicate in one form or another over the years.  The down and out bullies, the middle and upper middle class spoiled kids, the church that is comfortable with things the way they are.  The bullied boy trying to get one over on his antagonist only to find that dangling sweets in front of him, will bring him to church instead of having the desired effect of making him feel bad… I’m sure you can figure out the rest of the story.  Bad kids take over Pageant, good kids and church members rude and indifferent to the reason they are even in church in the first place.  Bad kids have moment of clarity, evidenced by the girl bully crying as she is Mary and apparently realizes the significance of the whole thing, and one of the wise men bringing the baby Jesus the ham out of their food bank provided Christmas food basket.  It goes without saying that all the stuck up church members decide it was the best Christmas Pageant Ever, hence the name.  A neat and tidy happy 80’s optimistic story ending. 

That’s just it,  it’s a story ending.  My face was leaking several places.  When the girl seemingly realizes the importance and meaning of what was happening, when the boy runs down the isle with the ham, when the snobby girl in the choir who was supposed to be Mary and the little girl narrating the story are also tearing up because they too get it.  All these things appeal to the emotional side of a guy who is getting older and with that age comes this emotional state that was never there before. 

Is it realistic, no not at all, far from it actually, which is sad. As I watch the different Christmas specials with my family this year, I am struck by the difference in what was and what now is.  From Charlie brown and what I watched last night, to Olive the other Reindeer and Arthur Christmas things have changed. 

Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with Santa,  I really enjoyed Rise of the Guardians with the Girls over Thanksgiving weekend, but Christmas has really lost a lot of what it was, and what it should be.  My eyes leaked for a couple of reasons, one remembering a time that was so much simpler in my own life, two thinking about the meaning of Christ coming to our world.  God really being with us, literally living and moving and having all the same issues that we have. Seeing the transformative power of Christ in lives, even if they were acting does it to me as well.  Watching someone realize that they have tried other things and they finally found something that would work for more than a few minutes hours or days.  All of those things can bring out the emotion in me. 

I think what would make Christmas better for most of us, especially those of us that claim to be a Christ follower would be to remember what I am increasingly coming to realize are some of the most important words in the story of the birth of Jesus;

 Luke 2:19 (NLT) but Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often.

 I think  it would do us all good to substitute out one word in that short verse in Luke.  I’m sure you can guess which one.  If not I have given you a hint, just look back at the verse.  See that proper name that’s the one you and I need to replace, if you need further instruction on the matter…well that’s just sad…

Seriously though part of our world’s problem is that those who claim to be Christ followers don’t think about the things we claim to be in our hearts often enough. We get so busy with all the things we are supposed to do as Christian's and church goers and whatever else we are that we don’t take the time to really sit down and think about what we say is in our heart.  We don’t filter our decisions and our world view through that.  It’s easier to sit in a comfortable chair in a worship service we have chosen to attend in a church we have chosen to call our own and let someone else do our thinking for us, let someone else pour into us what we believe instead of really getting down to it with God and having a faith that is ours and ours alone, a faith that we think about that we work on, that we hold onto and that we go back to time and again because it has become an integral part of who we are. 

As a pastor I have enjoyed teaching and preaching, I have enjoyed working with large and small groups of youth and adults, but I fear, when I look at some of the people who I have had the opportunity to influence, and I see where they are now, and I read what they are doing, I wonder if I had been more intentional about getting the people God put into my care to think about these things for themselves, to really work out their own walk with God.  I wonder if they would be better off.  John the Baptist said the he had to become less and Jesus had to become more.  As Christians we would do well to remember those words when we are enjoying this holiday with family and friends.  Maybe we need to stop at Luke 2:19 when we read the Christmas story, Maybe we need to make the whole story about Luke 2:19.  People need to think about these things.  I need to think about the things that are in my heart, and I need to find out what other things He wants to put there.

I think I need Linus…

I learned the story of Christmas… the real one not the one about the fat guy in a red suit, watching Charlie Brown.  I bet a lot of people, whether they are a Christ Follower or not know the story by heart because of this special… shoot a lot of what I learned I learned from Charlie Brown,  how toast can be a meal, what not to dress as at Halloween if I don’t want rocks in my bag, that war and peace can really make the holiday’s a bummer, especially a New Years Eve party that has smooching potential, and of course the fact that Christmas is run by a huge Eastern Syndicate, and that a blanket and some decorations can turn a twig into a full blown Christmas tree that could stand in the window of any store.

We watch… wait let me rephrase I watch everyone else seems to tolerate this special each year.  I love the simplicity of the whole thing.  My favorite line, aside from “don’t you know sarcasm when you hear it?”  Is when Linus says “I can tell you what Christmas is all about Charlie Brown.”

“And there were in the same country…”  I even can do the voice inflections.  The fact that I can recite this story isn’t what’s important though.  It’s so much more important to have the story be a part of who I am. 

I remember what Christmas used to be… I don’t know perhaps I have romanticized the whole thing.  The last day of school before break, Christmas plays at the church, the little box with the candy in it that we got when we left candle light communion on Christmas Eve, admit it, that was what you cared about as a kid, well that and the fact that you got to hold fire in church and no one could say anything because the pastor was the one that started the whole thing in the first place.  I remember going to my Grandma’s on Christmas Eve, eating tons of Italian food, and my Uncle Paul coming before he went off to Midnight Mass.  We would always get up on Christmas morning open presents and then head to Akron.  The smells of my grandma’s kitchen, the big French door was always closed (for the record I went back a few years ago, yea the door wasn’t as big, in fact the house was much much smaller than it used to be.)  She had a red shag carpet and her bed was in the downstairs bedroom.  It was a rope bed, we would hide under the bed and count the squares.  One year my cousin Nicole had us all pretending the silver balls that were put on the sugar cookies were pills. 

Remembering all these things makes me think of how important and special, and magical Christmas used to be.

Last year I set up the Christmas tree the week before Christmas, at least I think it was the week before it cold have been a few days before.  I just couldn’t get into it, which is bad beecause we have three girls who are into it, they could just be into the presents but you understand, and I have to say I’m rather jealous of them, jealous in fact of all the people who just LOVE Christmas.

I can’t get into it this year.  I put the tree up on the first.  It was decorated with lights and all and no complaining from me for the first time in a long time,  I have been trying to listen to Christmas music,  Making plans for Ohio, deciding what to do special for the four girls that God has blessed me with. 

This is where I realize that I need a Linus.  I’m striving to get back a feeling that will not come back the same way that it was a part of my life all those years ago.  I want to see the wonder of Christmas,  I want to feel a deep desire to decorate, or make Christmas cookies, or do all the things you are supposed to do at this time of year, and I just can’t seem to get it right.  The thing is I know what Christmas is all about.  I know who we are celebrating, I know all of these things,  in my head and in my heart mind you, bur for some strange reason that just doesn’t seem to be enough this year.  I want more than that.  I want all the cousins together,  I want Amberly and Zoey, and Jocelyn to get to hang out with my cousins, I want to hear my uncle Robin say funny stuff, I want to sit in a big circle with Grandma White at the center of it and each of us opening our gifts one at a time. I want to steal the buckeyes that my mom would make for my uncles… all of this I want and more.  I want there to be a Watch Night service, complete with games and food and praying in the new year.  I want that but I just don’t feel it.  I can’t seem to get into the whole thing. 

With that in mind… I need Linus, I wonder how many more of us need him as well.