I sat on this one for a bit. I seem to do that all the time now, thoughts are still unfiltered, however they are unfiltered with a side of wait a minute.
Enjoy...or don't. Either way hope these words can help someone.
I have done a lot of apologizing to a lot of people. I have done it here on the blog I have done it on the phone and in person. I don’t feel like that’s going to end for a long time. I messed up I failed all those things are true and I live with the regret, shame and consequences. My family lives with the fallout as well. To some extent they are just glad I’m alive and honestly, I am too. The alternative is not really an option. I am thankful for professionals, and medication. More though I am thankful for my immediate family. They have stuck by me when they had every right to just shake their heads and walk away.So why am I writing what seems to be shaping up to be another mea-culpa? It’s not what you think. Yes, there is going to be an apology here but in the interest of full disclosure there is also going to be some pointed frustration at others. I am realizing that it’s okay to be frustrated at people, and that it may even happen with the people I’ve failed, the people that I’ve let down the people I have hurt.
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I have spoken of needle therapy. I had heard about it but never understood it till I underwent some of my own. I can say wholeheartedly that it’s a great thing. Sure, I thought I would only want one after the process, but it’s easy to see why people get more. There’s an ability to disconnect from the world at large when you’re in that chair. There is nothing but you and the artist and the needle jackhammering in and out of your skin over and over, but the pain you would expect is not really pain. It’s just yeah it feels good. It’s a good kind of pain, at least for me.
There is another good pain. A pain that comes at the right time from people who we know and who we care about and who in turn care about us. It’s not always an easy pain to bear, it’s not always welcome, but it is a good pain, at least it should be seen that way. It may take time for that realization to sink in but it will eventually do so. You can find this good pain in scripture. Proverbs talks about the wounds of a friend being faithful, helpful even.
In the New Testament we read about iron sharpening iron. In Matthew Jesus talks about how to handle things that are going on in a fellow Christ Followers life. The need to go to the person, first by yourself then with another then with the elders, and finally with the whole congregation.
In all of these instances we are seeing grace at work. Grace from God sure that’s easy for God to do but also grace from humans both towards the one that is hurting and losing the fight with his or her own faith. We also find the attitude that the person who is on the receiving end is supposed to have, they should see it as a net positive when a fellow Christ Follower takes that uncomfortable step of leaning into their friends' personal space and not taking it as anything but care. Care and concern being prompted by God and being exhibited by the person that is doing the stepping in.
Where am I going with this? What does it mean and what does it have to do with today. Just this. There have been times when I should have been more willing to wound someone, I have a relationship with instead of taking the easy I’ll pray for you approach or we should pray for approach or but I don’t want to overstep my bounds. The list of excuses goes on and on and I find that it’s usually easier to hang on to the excuses than it is to follow the Biblical principle. I have failed to wound my friend in the short term so that they can be whole and healthy in the long term. But that’s not the only thing that is hard to say today. I’m about to do some of the wounding in the hopes that it will help my old friends be willing to wound some of their new friends and in doing so avoiding, well avoiding a rather large fall by the person that they have the chance to reach too.
The last year and a half going on two years has been really crappy, if you read or have read this blog you know the perfect storm of illness and death and more illness that has slammed at us and continues too. As we all know I did not deal with any of that the way I should have. I fell hard and while that fall had reasons it still is a fall that happened because of my own choices. Which brings me to the part that in the last couple of months has bothered me quite a bit. I have had several people comment to me in recent weeks that, “I knew you were not okay,” or “I knew something was going to happen,” or I knew you were having a bad time and that something had to give.” I’m sure there are other variations, but you get the idea. Each time someone has said those words or ones like them, I’ve nodded and smiled on the outside and screamed on the inside. And what I’m screaming on the inside is "What do you mean you knew? "What do you mean you could see what I was working so hard at hiding from everyone, including myself? How could you look at it all and know and see and yet not pull me aside and call me out on it. Tell me what you were seeing and feeling, tell me what God was showing you? How could you not take that step of wounding a friend that in the end would have likely allowed for the pain of the last 10 months to be different, mitigated in a healthy life growing and spirit expanding way? "
I can look at people in my life that I could see falling apart and I chose to take the comfortable way of not going to them, of shaking my head when the explosion happens and then saying "I’ll pray with you." or "I’m here for you." Or the worst thing. "I knew you were not okay I knew you were having a hard time." How dare I ignore what a relationship with a fellow Christ Follower is supposed to be because I don’t want to upset the person, or overstep my bounds, or think that it’s none of my business.
Starting with the creation narrative and the family of Adam and Eve we find what God thinks about how people in relationship are supposed to act. Cain asks God one of the stupidest questions in the world. “Am I my brother's keeper?” In his desire to get away from the sin that he knew he committed he sought to push the blame off of himself and onto Able and God. God wasn’t having it. He called Cain out for the sin and the mess because of course Cain was supposed to watch out for his brother, just like Able was supposed to watch out for Cain, just like I’m supposed to watch out for my fellow Christ Followers that I have called friend, just like they are supposed to watch out for me.
How dare we not, and yes, I do mean we, how dare we do not have the hard sad conversations with people we call brother or sister or friend, only to come back on the other side of the mess to let everyone around us know that we knew it was coming, we could see this happening. I submit good reader that the truth is one of two things. Either that is so, and we abdicated our mandate from God to watch out for our brother or sister in which case we will have much to answer for. Or we really didn’t have a clue and we want to save face and think for some reason that it matters that we knew something bad was going to happen. Each of those falls under self-justification, and it’s been my experience that any time I feel compelled to self-advocate it’s because I have pulled myself out of the hands of the advocate who stands before the throne making intercession for me.
And with the Good Reader, I leave you to it.
