Looking for answers at St.Arbucks

Coffee, one of the greatest gifts sent down from Mt Olympus since the invention of the dual shock controller is an integral part of my life. I love coffee, there’s just something about it that makes me happy, and content. There is also something about sitting in a coffee shop with free wifi drinking said ambrosia while watching out the window at the action of the strip mall.

I know that I should be writing, it’s one of the reasons I come here, to write, and I guess I am when I update my blog. This however is only the beginning of the task, I need to get at least 3000 words a day in on my book, not sure who will want to publish it, if anyone, but still it’s a task I have set myself too and I’m further now than I have ever been. This fact is important but more than that I have not had any desire whatsoever to change the book this time around. I know I’m doing it wrong too. I know that I should just keep writing until I finish that last page, not looking at the other pages or reading over them until it’s all done and I can send it on to someone who may be interested in helping in the editing process.

As much as I am enjoying the writing process, as much as I love all the things that go into it, and as much as I would love for this to become a way of supporting my family, I’m not holding my breath. I’m great at being second or third, a fact that really bugs me given that I have always said second place is first place loser. So who knows, how does a person even go about getting a book to a publisher, much less to a publisher who will take them seriously enough. I realize that the writing is for me, as is this blog. I look back on the posts that are here and realize that there are a lot of them, not counting the ones that I archived some even have comments, which is even more important to me because it means someone is reading me, and I can hope and pray that I am ministering on some level, that perhaps my words bring comfort or challenge the faith of others or whatever it is.

The answers I’m looking for today at Star Bucks though are different. I’m looking for answers having to do with my place, where do I fit, how do I continue to work out my relationship with God when I’m so tired. There are only so many almost there’s that a person can handle. Only so many times a person can go through the process of putting themselves totally out there and of working on relationships with new people before the cynicism and fatigue set in. Only so many churches a person can go to, so many sermons they can hear that are full of the right words or the right phrases. I guess that’s really it, I continually see the cracks in my armor, but I also see the cracks in others armor as well.

What’s the purpose whats the point of a church, or a faith, or a relationship if it’s not really fulfilling the needs of the person involved in the relationship? Whats the point of a church if you’re not fed, the point of a faith if your not made better by it?

People have said that God has something very important and big for me, He’s just getting me ready, it’s all there to be had patience is the key. They encourage me and they tell me it will be okay, they pray for me (something I greatly appreciate.) I know that they mean well, I know that they believe everything that they are saying, and I desperately want to believe with them, I even tell myself I do… but then I find myself sitting here with my vent pikes place roast and I realize that I’ve built a cardboard house of belief when it comes to my place in God’s plan. I know all the things that are supposed to be and I know all the words to say, but the faith deep down is struggling to get to the size of a single particle of talc much less that of a mustard seed.

I just pray that at some point in the next couple of weeks answers are forthcoming.

Thanks for reading

Lets Review Shall We?

I thought I may start this entry by saying what many of you already know. Immanuel’s decided to go a different direction, to say that I was kinda well devastated isn’t the right word but really disappointed is the correct term, would be an understatement, to say the least. The thing is I knew that it wasn’t going to happen, not necessarily because it wasn’t supposed to, but more because that’s just the way things go. I don’t get the position, I get to the last round and end up being told that I’m great but, it’s always I’m great but. A few years ago I made the statement to one individual that my career as a minister was over, I didn’t want to believe it but it seems more and more like it is. I think the worst part about Immanuel's was that they hired the husband of the middle school pastor to be the high school pastor. I don’t have a problem with them hiring this guy, great if you want to promote from within I totally understand that, however the thing that really bothers me, the problem that I really have with all of this is not that they hired him, it’s the way in which they went about hiring him. It seems they went out of their way to prove to the members of the church that nepotism wasn’t involved. “Look we interviewed several other people for the position, we narrowed down the field of candidates and had the best of them come teach in the youth group, then we took two separate votes.” I somehow don’t think that the guy hired had to go through the same process that the rest of us had to go through. I don’t really believe that they wanted to get someone else, I get the distinct feeling that they wanted to pull one over on the congregation. Wouldn’t it have been better for everyone involved just to do what they were going to do in the first place? As I sit in Starbucks I think back to a comment made by the Children’s Pastor to me one Sunday when I took the family out so we could check the church out, this was after my interview with him and the rest of the student ministries pastors. “No matter what happens I just want you to know that I really like what you had to say about discipleship and it’s importance, keep doing what you are doing.” Why he said those words held no meaning for me until the other day when I read in the online church bulletin and found that they had hired the guy that they hired. He knew things, I think he knew what they were going to do, I think he may even have had a little bit of a problem with it, and in his own way was trying to tell me that I was still relevant, and while I appreciate what he was saying, he doesn’t have all the information.
J has been telling me to get registered for the Praxis for months, to figure out what ED classes I need and get my education certification so I can teach. She has said to do this and I have always made lip service to it, the thing is I don’t want to be anything else. I like teaching, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy subbing, and I would love my own classroom, but thats only on the surface, it’s not what I am, or was as it were. I was a great youth pastor, a great young adult pastor, and a great leader in the district at one point. I enjoyed what I did, now I’m just a 37 year old unemployed schmuck with a baby on the way and a lot of questions for God and myself.
I still pray on a daily basis for God to take away this calling he has placed on my life, to make the desire to be in full time ministry go away, I ask Him to leave me alone, He doesn’t, and I must admit dear reader that there are times I think that it’s because I deserve the misery that I’m in when it comes to the whole ministry thing.
I said months ago now that we can render the gifts and callings of God in our lives moot. That we can through our actions become unusable. I have to question if my mistakes have done just that, made me unusable. I know other people who have made the same or worse mistakes who are not only in ministry but seem to be thriving there, getting the proverbial slap on the wrist and told to trust God and all that.
It’s fine you know, I get it, but I hate it just the same. I’m really trying here, trying to not be depressed, trying to not let it get to me, trying to still want to be around the church and I just have to say this, it’s getting harder and harder to do. I don’t feel like being in church any more, I don’t’ feel like being around church people I don’t feel like listening to preachers spout popular opinion and platitudes. I want my life back. I want our life back, but then I realize that this is the life that we are in, it may not be the life we were called to, but it’s the life we are in and I am responsible in part.
Several people have said that God must be holding something great for us somewhere, that the perfect thing is just around the corner, J has even said that there is something coming that’s the perfect fit. I wish at times I had that faith. I just don’t know about any of it any more. I’m not having a crisis of belief I ‘m having a crisis of faith, big difference there.
They are right about one thing though, there is something great coming around the corner, in October there will be another life that is going to exactly what it’s supposed to be and we get the privilege of guiding it and nurturing it and watching it grow.
I’ll be back again soon dear readers. I hope you will too.

No news aint really good news

I guess it’s really hard for me today because it’s been 10 days. I know that God is in control of this whole thing, I know that if we are supposed to be at Immanuel’s it will happen, and I know that I really feel like it’s the fit we need. Having said all that I don’t know so many other things any more that I just have built into myself this idea that noting is going to really happen, nothing is really going to come of this that I’ll just be told thanks but no thanks. I am sure God knows what he’s doing and if thats the answer then that’s the answer. Sure I’ll be bummed about it, and yes I’ll probably question if I ever really hear from God, but I really do want to keep in mind that whatever is going to be in our life is in God’s hands, not that I have no responsibility, I do but you know it’s times like this that really do make me wonder what it is about me that and my family that makes churches say, oh your nice, oh we loved your teaching, oh we are praying that God will lead you to the ministry that is perfect for you… why isn’t yours? Thats the question that I have, at what point does a church realize that they could benefit from hiring me?

I guess i’m trying to be in that place where I can say my heart will truly say Lord Blessed be your name, the problem is it’s hard to say blessed be the name of the Lord when I want to see more tangible blessings.

Well we will continue to wait and pray and hope.

like a Little child

And I think to myself...

Summer school is over, pretty much an anticlimax with how it ended, however that was to be expected, so why the title?  A few days before school ended as I was working with Emily a little boy went walking down the hall singing "and I think to myself, what a wonderful world." Here's a kid that will have challenges his entire life and he has a grasp that I don't have on how to live.

As we sit in church today, and yes I realize I'm blogging during  worship, deal with it, Gods speaking something to me and this is how I process, anyway as I am here things are clearing.  God has been dealing with me for years now, some know this because of what you have read, some may read more now out of curiosity.  I have learned about my pride, my lack of trust in God and my family, my temper, my sorrow, my joy and angst, all of it is there,all of it a reminder to me of how broken I am and have been, and its not only okay, its actually desireable. 

If this little broken boy can sing this, I can too.  I can make the active choice to THINK, to myself what a wonderful world.  See if I believe that I am letting the mind that was in Jesus, if I am really trying to be more like Christ I have to do that.  I have so much that others don't or refuse to have because of the choices that people make, the same ones I have made and to my discredit still do at times. 

Today we are visiting Covenant Life for Amberly, she wont be at the school any more and wanted to see her friends one more time.  I feel an intense desire to be at Immanuels, I am not sure why but strange things have been happening.  Dreams have been disconcerting, however last night was clearly different, I am at times forever the skeptic, however Phillipians and the all sorts of number combinations that made little sense were there, I looked up all the combinations, amazing how strange occurrences and dreams can be used.  What's it mean, well that remains to be seen.  I know what I want and I know what I believe is supposed to happen, and I know that if it doesn't it will still be a wonderful world.