Do you dare...

I realize that I have already posted today, so much is happening in our life right now and I just don’t know what I will do if things don’t change and if I lose her. We get small amounts of good news and then we get the bad news that goes with it as well.
I realize that I am a Pastor though, even if I don’t have a church proper, even if I’m not doing it full time it’s what I am. This realization came as I was sitting in this waiting room. I am not the one that sits I am the one that comforts, and prays for and listens to. I’m the one that helps the Family and now I’m the one that is sitting in the waiting room praying that God will heal my wife, even as I shake my fist at God and ask him why and what’s more.
I know all the answers I have taught them, but those answers don’t matter, all of those answers are true but can be so cliche’. Do I believe in God? Yes, Do I trust him? Yes and no. Am I angry at Him? Yes. My wife is the most spectacualr woman around, she is the most important person in the world, strong, loving, giving and there is not a thing I can do I can’t no matter how hard I try make myself feel anyting but loss and grief and anger. If you are a praying person please pray for J. If you aren’t then know that I understand why you dont pray, I understand what it’s like to feel like your banging your fists on the door of heaven and hear the hollow sound of emptiness.

I am banging my fists right now. I have been for a long time and this whole sad situation makes that banging even more pronounced.

God is listening though. It’s not as hollow as it used to be. It’s populated, there are sounds of life and laughter and music and sorrow and pain. I am a man of God, I will always be and there is no way I can run away from that, at the same time I believe that My God is big enough for me to yell at him a bit and to tell him he’s wrong and to cry on his shoulder and to put him in a box and to blame him. He is big enough to fix J right now where she is, and he is big enough to tell me and her that it’s time for her to leave. If he does tell her to leave though I know that He and I will have a long road ahead, I know that I will be angry and bitter, I know that I will not want to follow not want to serve. I know I will run as far from him as I can if he takes her away. I know this, and so does he. but along with all the things that I know all those things that are and all the running and anger and screaming and blaming that I will do of my God I also know that he will not leave me, he will not abandon me, he will be there when I’m ready to stop what i’m doing and turn to him and I know that when I call on him he will answer me He makes me that promise. He will not stop being God even when I stop believing in HIm, and he will not push me away when I realize that He is doing things in His time in HIs way and that He really does have the best in mind. He will be there with arms wide open when I stop running and he will act like I’ve always been right where he is right by his side, the cool thing is for him it won’t be an act, for him it will be a reality. He will not leave me He will not abandon me He will be waiting to put his arms around me and accept me again as is.

Why?

I am sitting in a waiting room in Morgantown West Virginia waiting for doctors and surgeons to tell me what is happening. None of them will tell me the answer that I want to hear. I keep saying you have to fix her, instead of saying we will, or we are they keep saying they are doing all that they can. I don’t want them to just do all that they can I want them to fix my wife.

We are waiting, thats all we can do.

Projects, Plans and God

It is hard to believe but we are going into 2 years away from regular ministry.  Sure I’m doing the childrents ministry coordinator thing, and while it is ministry my heart is not in it.  I love the kids and the people but it’s not who I am. 

I have been praying for a while now about what to do, and where to go.  We are looking at a change coming soon and so I want to know what that change will be, enter an old friend.

They want to mother a church in a college town in WV.  J and I have both said that I will not be a staff pastor any more.  It’s time to move on in some way and I have great ideas and ways of reaching a generation for Christ.  The real problem is the fear factor in all of it. 

I want to be open and I believe that God brings people and places into our lives in such a way that we can and will be able to see clearly what he wants.  I don’t for a minute believe anything happens by chance.  When this friend of mine and I connected again I had no idea what could be coming.  Now I wonder if it’s time to try something totally different, totally new.  I want to be in Gods will and I want to step but I am afraid. 

The past is a specter that looms large.  God has changed me a lot and I am a different person, at the same time will others see that.  I believe I can do this and succeed at it, the question remains will people from before believe I can or will they say it will never work, and does it really matter?

What a bummer

I really hate it when my plans get changed, or are messed up.  This weekend was one of those times.  First the snow.  We went to Western MD for a family Christmas party.  I was supposed to leave after the party so that I could be back for work on Sunday.  Saturday morning dawned with snow, now that’s normally an okay thing especially when it is only supposed to be two inches of snow.  Yes well seven to eight inches of snow later and loads of ice on the roads it became apparent that not only would the party we went for have to be canceled or moved but I would not be able to leave to get home for work.  I needed to be there we HAVE to practice. 

It continued to get worse as we went on to have the dinner and it was a bit of a bust. 

The only redeeming factor was playing rock band Saturday night.

Anyway I am hoping that Christmas will be great we are really working on making sure things are not just fun but that they are memorable.

It is the curse of all mankind that the polar twins should be constantly struggling.

 

Several years ago J and I were able to go and see Jekyl and Hyde with the original cast.  It was great.  The title for this blog comes from there.  I love the story of Hyde.  A man who realizes the good and the bad that resides in all of us and takes steps to exorcise the evil from mankind.

Ultimately he fails because he relies too much on himself and his ingenuity.  Gee does that sound familiar.  This is the problem with most of us, me included.  Dr Jekyll fails, but at least he tried.  He left out a few important things.  He left out God, he left out a support system, he left out the woman that he loved.  He tried so hard and that trying was admirable but he failed. 

I do the same thing,  I think most do, especially when we are people who have been in some form of religious leadership.  We get it in our heads that the message that we preach is for others but we don’t get the same dispensation.  I am amazed at how this works.  We feel like we have to give and give and give and getting or accepting our faults and help is not something anyone wants us to do. I am making a concerted effort to accept mine, to accept help to offer help all those things.  Sometimes I fail still, but I am better for realizing that people don’t want unreachable saints that they have to try and be like,  they want touchable reachable, dare I say struggling leaders who recognize their own shortcomings and are willing to say “Hey I need help too.” 

I just wish I had realized this three years ago.  It’s amazing what it takes for some of us to learn.  Still if we learn it then apply it we may fall down but we can recognize the fall and ask for the help that we need.

Dusting it off

It’s been almost a full month since my last post.  So much has been going on but I have not been keeping up with this and have let it slide way way to far down the totem pole.  

We will be heading out for Thanksgiving. I can’t wait for that just to get away and enjoy being home.  I hope we can enjoy being home.

Z says when my hair grows in it’s skinny hair.  Which is why I don’t grow it in.

Finally I got an A in my last class, that 2 a’s.

I’ll work on being better at this in the coming weeks.

long time coming

It's been a while I know I know I need to do more on here, still that's been difficult.  Here's the problem, I am now going to school, Working at Rising Hope, Job coaching and doing kids and family stuff.

This week however something happened to remind me about God and the place that He once held in my decision making process.  Don't get all spiritual on me please God reminds me of what I have.

While the past year has pretty much sucked dirt in the Newell house God reminds me what we have how much we have.  This week our custodian at the church was burned out of his home, on top of that today at our Kids Rock Kick Off a father brought his kids over and when one of my childcare workers asked for an address and such he said that he didn't know the address that he was living across the street in the motel.

Wow are we blessed.