Dear Self

Dear Self,

Remember when you could do anything? Remember when you were able to leap tall buildings with a single bound (in your mind at least)? Remember when decisions were simple and conversations lead to something more, when your ideas and dreams made a difference? Remember when you had hope?

There was a time self when the gifts and callings of God were more than just pipe dreams and thorns in your side. There was a time when you not only heard from God and knew you had but were able to act on it, to see that things were going in a direction.

Remember when you were not poor? When you could do things that you wanted?

Now dear self do you remember when it all went away, when it all went wrong? Do you remember the day you decided you didn't need to do things the way you have taught others.  The day that you started doing things in your own strength.  Leaving God to bless or not bless whatever I was doing, when things went well God was happy, when things went wrong people didn't understand what was supposed to go.  

Pride, the bottom line in my life has always been pride.  Four years later the pride is gone,  not just the sin part but all of it .  I look back and wonder at times if any of it made a difference.  I look back and wonder.  

The thing about this whole situation is I'm called and gifted.  Makes it even worse to be sitting not able to do the things that I am made for.  To feel like not only am I not heard, but also that the things I say and feel don't count or matter much in the grand scheme of things.  

It has to do with the idea of not deserving or feeling that I deserve to make decisions or have opinions.  I feel like I have to just do what ever is asked.  

God isn't that way with us and I know it.  We all need to understand that God has given us a life and intelligence and gifts, and callings, and while I know that and believe it for everyone else, I wonder for myself.  

So what does it all mean?  Well simple I guess.  It means that I sit, I wait, I pray, and I cry, not always on the outside, but daily on the inside.

Glimpses of What?

Humanity, myself included, lacks so much when it comes to being what we were designed to be.  Still it would be so much easier if the God that I belive in were more available.  I dont mean that he's not,  I know I can talk to him whenever and find myself doing so increasingly, but thats not what I mean.  I mean that there are times in my life where I wish that God were actually sitting next to me, physically.  I would like to be able to look him in the eye and as why questions.  I would love to see him sit there and squirm in his seat.  I would love to be able to take him to task for where things are in life.  I would like him to feel uncomfortable as I interrorgate him for all the problems that he has allowed to come my way.   

Now before you take me to task for what I just said,  and before you tell me that I'm being disrespectful of God understand I'm not.  While I would love for all those things to happen, I realize that they never can or will.  Mainly because in my humanity my view of God is so finite.  I personify Him, just like carttoons personify animals, or comercials personify food, and that dear reader is the problem with Huminty as a whole and with Aaron in particular. 

Starting with the concept of grace and mercy we humans fall way way way too short.  We don't have a clue what true grace and mercy look like.  We fail to offer it to the people in our lives, we justify our feelings and actions giving them all sorts of religious names, we are righteously indignant, we are being angry but not sinning, we feel godly sorrow, yes I know I put a small g mainly becasue the sorrow we feel has nothing to do with God.  Moving into the realm of love we have a twisted and sad view of what real love is.  I think the only way to come close to understand how God loves us is to understand how I love my kids, and even then it's a poor excuse, mainly because I can normally count on some reciprication from my family, God has no such guarantee.

You get where I'm going with this.  For me to think I have any hope of standing up to God the way I talked about in that first chapter is one of those things that has to be marked in the poor human catagory.  I can see God looking at the beginning of my life and the end and all the things in between and telling me.  You have no idea.  He would be right, and I am trying my best to be okay with that. 

Every so often when I feel like the calling that God placed on my life and the giftings that he gave me are just going to dry up and wither because of my mistakes, God sends a reminder that he called me and chose me and he is the one that will choose when that is over, and while I get tired of the glimpses I have to take them for what they are.  God showing me that he loves me even when I"m frustrated and don't understand him.  God telling me that it's going to be okay and that I'm not forgotten. 

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The more things change

I used to not really understand the statment that starts today title.  The more things change the more things stay the same.

Seems pretty cyincal to me, right up there with Ecclesiasties everying is pointless rant, the thing is I get it now.  I utterly and completely get the whole process of things meaning nothing.  God is an intersting concept to me at this point.  I know all these things about God.  I know what I believe.  I know all sorts of things about God and churches and relationships.  I have taught groups from 2 to 200 plus and one of the things that always gets me is how quickly it all can just blow through your fingers. 

Sitting in Church on a Sunday is one of those things that I do because, just because.  I dont like going,  I dont enjoy the songs,  I don't like the time to shake hands,  Sermons are many times empty to me. 

See people don't get it,  I dont even get it to be honest.  Thins are supposed to be and they are not.  I'm called but it really doen'st matter not only called but gifted.  I can recognize it and the thing is other people may even recognize it.  Then nothing.  No outlet, no reason to even bring it up.  Sitting in church is an excersise in obdience for me at this point.  I go because I should go for my family.  I sit there and I bite my inner lip because it's sometimes the only way I can keep from breaking down.   

You would think that four years later things would be different or better, you would think that two years out I would be able to see what I am and who I am and how I am supposed to be.  You would think that God would have given me some sort of clue as to what is next or to if I should even want there to be a next, but no thats not the case.  I still get up on Sunday, I still go to Church,  I pray ever saturday night with my family that God will prepare us that He will make our hearts ready, that He will make my heart ready, and it just seems to bounce off of the clouds. 

I'm pretty sure this is going to seem like a pretty bipolar post, especially to those that read my facebook updates and relize that I have actually enjoyed a couple of church services lately.  I dont want you to get the wrong idea.  I do enjoy church on occasion, when I say those things on facebook I mean them.  I do like it somtimes,  but not as much as I would like or as I should. 

Sitting in church always does the same thing.  It always makes me sad, it always makes me remember, it always makes me look at who I was and it always makes me feel less than what I should be.  It makes me feel like a collosal failure.  

Anyway I know that there are people who read this blog that Love me that don't see me that way.  I appreciate them.  I love them too.  Just have to make sure people understand.  When I started writing a blog all those years ago it was for me to get feelings and thoughts out there, to keep them from bottling up and I write in it for that purpose.  If my random thoughts help someone else or encourage them thats all the better.

Thanks for reading

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What if we acted like we say we believe

There is a phenomena in the church today that is quite disconcerting, has in fact been that way for many years.  I wish I could say that I was not part of the machine that is the church proper, but lets face it having been in ministry for 16 years prior means that I was part of the problem not the solution. 

Here's the thing.  Churches in general have things in their mission statments, here are some examples:

At Riverside Community Church we're not about "having it all together" or even pretending we do. We're just a family trying to grow together toward a God who knows us and can help us put all the pieces of this sometimes bizzare world into perspective. We may not have all the answers but we know someone who does. In fact He not only knows the answers...He made up the questions.

First Church especially focuses upon those who are seeking a "new beginning," and those who want to become more "Christlike," and want to learn more about living a "holy life," and for those who are yearning to grow in "love and compassion," and the building of "family relationships."

We exist to develop fully-devoted followers of Jesus Christ by reaching seekers, building believers and equipping God's people to impact the world.

• Heal the Whole Person


• Offer to Serve


• Promote Reconciliation


• Empower Others

The list goes on, there are also buzz words in the church but they mainly consist of the following.

Grace, Mercy, Acceptance, Restoration, Reconcilliation, Forgiveness.  Many churches want people to know that they are open to all people who are sick and hurting.  They open the doors to the world and invite them in, which is great.  However they seem to forget that we are all human, they seem to forget that the people in their churches, the ones already there may need those very things on occasion. 

Having been around the church all my life I notice a few things.  One of them is that those words in the above paragraph sound good they sound like the things that God wants from us, and they are, and we will offer them to people out there in a heart beat.  The other thing that I noticed is that there are sins that are okay and forgivable and there are sins that can never be forgiven. 

I guess the real issue is that if you have baggage then you can't possibly be of use.  Forget the fact that everyone has baggage even the people that are leading.  Forget the fact that Jesus told his disciples that you are to forgive 490 times.  We even forget the fact that Jesus was in the business of giving people second and third chances.  Remember the woman at the well.  He knew all about her failures and sins and mistakes and still he forgave her and used her to spread the word that Messiah had come. 

The church is great at forgiving and forgetting for the people outside the walls, but for the people inside well not so much.

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The Week in Review

This week finds me subbing at KTHS.  I enjoy doing this, it enables Zoey to get some much needed time with her school friends and lets me feel useful again.

Admittedly for me it's a struggle, all those tests, all those doctors visits and what I get out of it is that there are white lesions on my brain but not to worry about them.  I get told that I can reapply for my position at a company that seems to be on it's last legs after all the issues are squared away,  said issues include the medical stuff, oh wait the day they told me to re apply (read fired)  was the day the doctor released me back to work, and the car. Which is supposedly done but doesn't seem to be any closer to my parking space.  We ask for an invoice to show the amount of the parts and don't get it .   It's all over 500 bucks now but after paying 5000 plus I just have a hard time with that.  Still how much more will a lawyer charge?

The thing that gets me is, the head aches are not near as bad, sure I get them now and then but not nearly as often as I was.  I know that the job was a stressor, a huge one.  I know that we are not spending near as much on Gas as we were.  There are all sorts of reasons to be happy about not having to travel to PG county every day, at the same time I hate the fact that I am sitting without full time employment.  Anyway, God has shown me constantly that learning to say I don't know and help is what's important.  I don't know, and help.  It's actually quite liberating.

One of the cool things about this time off is that I am able to work on my book more.  those of you that read my blog at all may know that there is now a site up with the first chapter of Confessions of an angry youth pastor.  I put the first chapter up in stages.  I am going on ahead and putting up the second chapter in it's unedited entirety today.  Let me know what you think.  I am working on chapter three as well so don't sweat that.  I'll also be shooting a short story up in the next couple of weeks,  more of a introduction to a longer book I'm wanting to attempt.

Anyway if your into it and would like to check out chapter two go for it, also do me a favor and let me know what you think if you don't mind.  I"m shooting for at least 3000 words per chapter,  I am noticing that sometimes that's easier than others.  Ah well enjoy.

 

Chapter One

So for months now I have been promising to set up a blog that has chapters of the book that I have been working on. I mean to do this, really I do, but something always happens and I don't seem to get it done. Well no more, today in this very blog post you will find a link to the blog that will be Aaron's Book Blog. Now you will probably find more than just Confessions on there, you may find snips of other short story ideas or novel thoughts. I have several things kicking around in my head right now.

So without further ado, I think that's how you spell that here ya go. A link to the first paragraph. Let me know what you think if you can.

http://aaronsbook.wordpress.com/

 

I tried for Aaron's books but it didn't work. Someone already took that one. Oh this blog is still going to be active. I have all sorts of other stuff to say when it comes to this whole life thing, and this is the best place that I can think of to talk about all of that fun stuff.

On a side note. While the world may run on Microsoft, everyone knows my feelings on the subject, and while I use Office for it's simple compatibility issues, I am doing a lot of my book editing now in google docs. Doing so allows me to work on it when something new comes to mind, then all I have to do is export to word if need be.

Also typing this up on an ubuntu machine. I love my macbook and will keep going with it of course, but sitting in the same room with everyone else that is hear, and yes I did say everyone else, I'm afraid God may be preparing me for another girl, with what will when J gets home from work be 5 females in the house company is here in case you were wondering, it's still better to be in the same general vicinity as other people.

Thanks for all your reading. Hope for some comments is you please, especially on the book blog.

I have some good news... and some bad news...

The journey of the past few weeks has been one that goes up and down.  There are so many things that seem to be happening at this juncture of our life and none of them make a lick of sense.  To bring you up to speed,   I guess it was two weeks ago I passed out on a Monday morning.  J was worried as was I, couple that with a head ache that had lasted for several days and it was time to go to the doctor.  Doctors are intersting creatures.  I wasn't going to but upon going to Work on Tuesday and almost passing out while there, and in the process scareing people.  It was decided I would make the appointment.  I did went and so began the Oddesey of tests,  MRI's showing white lesions on my brain, heart tests showing a heart murrmer,  eeg's all sorts of things.  At each visit I dutifully asked for confirmation,  the neurologist said I was not to drive on the beltway at all until things were resolved.  I would let people that I worked for know, on one attempt I got my bosses voice mail box and it was full,  meaning he doesn't even check it.  Today, waiting to go to the last of my doctors appointments I find out that they are no longer going to be needing my services.   Seems that even with medical issues they are going to down size me.  Bad news. 

Good News.  We are going to add another Newell to our family.  I'm excited about that.  More good news.  We may still be working for the church. Great conversation, so there is a lot of prayer that is going to be happening.  Every time something happens that seems to be a bad thing it's a teaching moment.  I am praying that this teaching moment will not be wasted on me.

So if you're a praying person please pray for us.  Pray for me that I dont lose it.

Thanks

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