Send some up…

It’s been an interesting bunch of weeks and months at the Newell House. 

Kids are growing like weeds.  Marbles are leaving their jars left and right and I am really trying to think about that before I react and say things.  Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail.  In those failings I actually find myself talking it through with the girls,  I have come to the realization that while the issue that has brought about the frustration is, well one of those situations that being frustrated makes sense and may even be justifiable, but self justification is just a way to wall ourselves away from so many things.  Sure it’s hard to sit down with Amberly and tell her that I’m sorry for reacting the way I did, but it is my hope that if she see’s her dad do it, she will look for that quality among others when she starts getting more and more interested in boys. 

There are other things that have been happening.  I so look forward to men’s breakfast.  Sometimes I wish it would happen more than once a month.  The chance to sit down with other guys is important, sharing struggles and just talking has been a great blessing.  I am blessed to be making friends, something that I had pretty much stopped doing for a while.  My loss, that’s one of the things that really gets me, all of the stuff that I stopped all of the walls that I built all of the anger that I held onto at myself and others, yea it only hurt me, well me and my family, which is one of those things that I will be bringing to God on a pretty regular basis.  I have been falling more and more in love with J.  This woman that God gave me and then gave back to me is amazing.  Lately I have been pretty grumpy due to the whole trying to eat healthy and all that good stuff.  I like the way I feel eating this way.  I like the way I’m starting to look, but I don’t like the part that has me not getting to eat what I like to eat.  She is great though,  just soldiering on and making me realize that it’s better for both of us to eat better, to lose some and to be around longer. 

I am enjoying helping out at Powerhouse.  It’s been a great way to get back in the swing of things.  Back to ministering to being a part of a church instead of being a person that attends… which brings me to the next part. 

I have been given a possible opportunity when it comes to being what I am, what God has called me to be.  What I mean is it’s been made clear that I am a student ministries pastor, that’s who I am that’s what I am built for.  I love working with students through college age.  Watching them grow and mature in their faith.  Listening to them worship, being a part of their journey of faith is one of those things that makes me feel most useful.  This perfect storm of things started to happen a couple of months ago.  One thing about those kinds of storms is that you can ride them out or let them ride you.  In the past I have let the storm ride me.  Taking things to mean what they didn’t, allowing the storm to be more important than the one that makes the storms,  wow that was yeah sorry for that way to obvious comment.  The point is I want to be in God’s perfect will, and I believe with all my heart that I know what that perfect will is,  I believe he has been putting little things in my path to show me what that perfect will is.  I believe that, and I don’t.  What I mean by I don’t is that I just can’t see things being what I think they are supposed to be, I can’t see it happening.  I look at people and I talk to people and I think that they must be looking down at me or on me or whatever.  Pretty lame huh?  See there’s a bit of elitism in a person who sees themselves as the underdog, the broken unusable person.  It’s so easy for me to take the mess that attempts to rear it’s head at times when things start going a certain direction and make others the ones that are bringing condemnation, or judgment, or disapproval.  I’m the one that is doing those things so why do I push those feelings off on them, especially when there is no real reason to feel that way.  I read too much into things sometimes, and I am fairly certain that this is one of those times. 

I just want to remain breakable.  I want to stay in that Lego state of life.  I believe that this is what God has but if I’m wrong I want to be okay with that, and I’m pretty sure I will be.  I’ll be disappointed of course, and if I were to be really transparent I’ll probably be a bit surly for a few days but that will be because I’ll be upset at myself for feeling the way I will end up feeling.  If it’s not what I think it’s going to be, if it’s a no then I still get to work with a great group of people, I still get to pour into the kids that are in powerhouse, and perhaps those in Middle School if they need some help at some point. 

So what am I asking,  I’m asking that you send some up if you think about it.  I want this position, and I believe that it’s what God is doing.  So if you want you can pray that this happens, however in addition to that I would ask that you pray for the outcome to be what God wants more than what I want.  If God has something else in mind then that’s what it is, which brings me to my final request pray that I’ll be able to have the right attitude about not having the desire of my heart.  If this is not what God has, I’m going to need some grace to keep walking in the path that we are in, and to keep my thoughts and heart in the right place.  I want it there. I want to be what he wants me to be I want to be where he wants me to be, I want to be used by him.  That really is the desire of my heart.  The human side though will be disappointed, the human side will get upset, the human side will want to point fingers and assign blame.  I have said and will continue to say that my Blog is here to hold me accountable, to be a place I can say what I am thinking and feeling and what God is doing or not doing in my life.  I am continuing to use it as such.

Thanks for the prayers and for reading.  

Wondering

I tanked...these would be the words that I would use to best describe a recent interaction.

I wonder sometimes if my ears are working right, I know J has been doing so for a while now, and while the ears she is talking about are different than the ones that I am talking about the comparison can't be ignored.

See with my physical hearing I find that there are times that I am focused and can hear everything, then there are those times when I get distracted, not a difficult thing, and I just don't hear anything. J has threatened to get my hearing checked. It's strange I can hear Jo wake up with her door closed music on, one floor away, but I can't hear whats going on right next to me...some of that has to do with focus though. I get into thing's and when I do if you ask me questions or try to engage me I'm going to say huh because I'm lasered into whatever it is I'm doing.

Spiritual hearing though is different. I used to be so sure of things when it came to hearing from God. I would see what God was doing, I would be able to recognize obvious road marks. There was a sureness about things. Now I think I am hearing from God, I think I am seeing Him ordering things. I think...I even pray and feel a deep seated call and a longing to be...but, and that's the problem, but. I don't have that sureness that I used to be able to have. I second guess everything. I look at what looks like God showing me a path, and I wonder if it's God or if it's just me reading too much into things. I don't know.

Here's the thing, I just need God's help in this. In Mark a man has a son who is demon possessed. He comes to Jesus and asks for his help. He says help us if you can...Jesus looks at the guy and I can almost hear the tone in his voice. "if I can?" it's almost like Jesus is saying wait a second you do know who you are talking to. If I can help him. It's all down to belief. Then the man says what so many of us need to say, probably on a daily basis. The father instantly cried out, "I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!"Mark 4:29. See thats the thing I believe...for the most part...but then there are the times that I just don't the times that I believe that I'm to broken, too damaged, to... fill in the blank. Those are the times that are hard.

Do I know what God is doing. I think I do, but then again I probably don't.

 

The Ghost of...

Marbles and Yo Yo’s

To say it’s been an interesting few months would be the understatement of the century as far as I’m concerned. 

Starting back in October things started to move in very interesting directions.  I began doing computer work,  this job was very clearly a God thing, as I found out about it by of all things snail mail.  It worked out really well, move forward and I have had the chance to stretch and learn more IT stuff.  Then J and I started to get more involved at church.  Helping out where we could.  I was privileged to speak to men's breakfast, and have enjoyed our Pizza and Prayer time when they are offered at the church.  We then realized the importance of giving more of our time, and so J and I started to volunteer at Powerhouse.  I really enjoy working with Bob and the rest of the power house team. 

So much more has been happening, most recently I was privileged to attend Orange Conference.  WOW was it awesome.  I had forgotten how awesome these experiences can be.  Worship in a large group setting is a thing of beauty and something not to be missed if you ever have a chance to do it.  Still it’s more than that.  I have come to another realization.  My self imposed sequestration from certain parts of life, who I am, what I am called to and what God has gifted me with has really only served to make life dull and grey.

Anyway on to the marbles and the Yo Yo.  Several interesting things have happened in the past few weeks.  I want to speak to those things. 

First the marbles.  Strait from the conference.  They did a great visual of how much time we have left with our kids.  How much time we have to pour into them, to influence them, to teach them and let them know that they are loved, and that they are needed, that they are special.  Figure out how many weeks you have left with each of your children until their 18th birthday.  Put one marble in a jar for each week.  You will be amazed at how quickly this visual will make you understand how important your time and relationship with your kids is.  I know it has made a huge impact.  I already was trying to interact instead of react but now it is all the more important.  I want those weeks to be full of the things that will prepare my girls for a life that is full of relationship, service, and happiness. 

The Yo Yo, yea that’s one of those ooggyy ooggy things.  I recently was in an interview, and was asked how I prepare for messages etc.  I walked the interviewer through the process that I use, down to my yo yo habit.  See when I prep for a message or teaching, after the prayer and study, and writing.  I then take all the points and walk around talking out loud to process things.  While I am doing that processing I am also yo yoing.  I have been doing this for years.  It’s just this thing I do.  The problem is one of my yo yo’s is broken, one is lost, and the other one has a busted string.  So I don’t have a yo yo.  I was in fact thinking that if things happen the way I think they will I’ll have to go buy a yo yo.  Remember I don’t do oogy oogy, but this is kind of strange in a good way.  I arrived home from Orange really late on Friday.  Saturday morning Amberly was all excited and informed me she had to give me something, she was so excited to do so.  She reached into a bag and pulled out a yo yo.  The oogy oogy part of it all is I never told her about the yo yo or the conversation I had with the interviewer.  In fact as far as I know the only person that knows about the whole Yo Yo conversation is the guy that did the interview and myself.  So yea, that was just strange.  If I were the kind of person that went in for the whole Gideon fleece thing, well then perhaps I would latch onto this,  That’s just not me, still the fact that she gave me the yo yo is kind of strange don’t you think.  It will be very interesting to see what happens next.  We are just remaining open.  That’s all we can do.

So that’s about it.  Orange had so much good stuff in it that I will do some debriefing when I get the chance.  I know there are several blogs sitting in my notes from the week, look for those in the coming weeks. 

The one that did it…

We stream TV, that’s all we do now.  We haven’t had cable proper for years.  It can be a bit of work to get it all worked out but it makes more sense, sure we have to wait a couple of days for new shows but the plus side is there are less commercials and since the commercials we do see are the same over and over for the most part you know exactly how long between them you have to go grab a snack,  carrots lately as I am going for the whole healthy thing. 

Anyway on occasion Hulu will allow you to watch an extended commercial instead of the normal breaks in the show,  when it offers this option, which I think is fantastic, you can then watch whatever show you have chosen commercial free…

The other day J and I were about to watch Guys with Kids, we like the show it’s funny and as a dad that stays home with the baby it can be pretty cathartic.  The choice to watch an extended commercial came up, the interesting thing this time was I don’t remember it telling me what it was about, it probably did but who knows I don’t recall the normal identification of what was about to be shown coming up.  I said yes to the commercial and found it was a movie trailer.  

Now for the record. I love scary movies, suspense movies, just about anything with a zombie in it I’ll watch.  Years ago I sat in our basement when J was at a women's conference and watching Room 1408, as I watched the movie it got darker and darker outside and consequently in the house.  I thought the girls were asleep in their beds until Amberly called from the top of the stairs.  I freaked out mainly because she had the same sing song voice that the little girl voice was in the movie.  The thing is I look back at that and laugh and remember the feeling it gave me and it’s a good time a good memory…what I saw the other night just sits there and bothers me. 

The trailer was for a movie called The Purge.  As I said I normally love scary movies.  I’m the guy that  telegraphs what the bad guy is going to do or to use to carry out his killing, and will normally make some sort of snarky comment,   “oh look it’s a wood chipper, bet that gets used later.” Wow look at that someone left a perfectly good hatchet sticking out of that tree stump…”  run dude run I just saw a chain saw in that wood shed”  you get the point.  It’s almost comical, always over the top, and said implement of destruction is usually wielded by an equally over the top bad guy with some mundane name be it Jason, or Michael or Freddy. 

There are things in life that we all wish we could un see, visual pictures that evoke emotional responses.  Amberly will forever be the little girl that had an ear ache.  She knew band aids were for things that hurt so she wanted a band aid on her ear.  I’ll never forget my tear filled baby girl crying and holding the band aid to her ear, looking at me wanting to know why I wasn’t putting the band aid on her ear to make the earache go away.  It was one of those heart hurting moments when you understand that no matter how much you love them and how much you want to shield them from any and all pain, no matter how many bees you catch in the car so they don’t get stung, you can’t always make the hurt go away. That picture of Amberly in need will always be in my brain, a good thing.  Unfortunately so will the movie trailer for The Purge.

I was so disturbed by it, so put off by it, so angry that someone would make this movie.  I have never really gotten worked up over a movie.  I figure if I want to see something I will if I don’t I won’t but neither will I attempt to influence others one way or the other.  They need to work out their own things what is right and wrong.  If they are a Christ Follower it’s called working out our salvation, if not I don’t know what you would call it but I’m sure there is a correlation.  (incidentally if you’re reading and you would like to know the ins and outs to being a Christ Follower I’m more than willing to give you the details.)  This is the first time that I would actively tell someone not to see something,  Not to put it in their brains, not to watch a movie.  It was that frightening to me.

The question is why?   That’s what I’m going to be working on for the next few weeks.  An answer to why.

Fresh Air

Much has happened since my last post.  God is moving in some interesting ways in our life, and in mine in particular, we started volunteering in Powerhouse at our church, the girls have been growing much faster than I want them to, we went on vacation to Florida and did what we usually do which means we packed way more into our days there than we should have.  Typical Newell family life.  The blog has been siting here catching dust for a long while.  I thought it may be a good idea to get back to it today,  The sun is shining, it’s a pretty warm day out.  I have pulled down the plastic from the windows and thrown them open to allow some much needed fresh air throughout the house.

Ah fresh air.  Nothing cleans out a space like fresh air.  All winter long we clean, we try and catch up on the things that have to be done.  We scrub floors, and vacuum carpets, do the dishes and well you  get the idea, all the stuff that has to be done to make a house clean, many times we will even choose a cleaner that has a scent to it, a way to fake out or minds and noses, making them think that things are fresh and clean and great.  We cover up the stale air with a manufactured freshness…

Which of course brings me to the point .  Much has happened over the last five years in our lives.  There have been highs and lows, really low lows.  If you need a refresher well you know what to do for that.  Most of it is pretty much here and if it’s not well I’ll probably get around to putting things up again at some point.  The thing is a couple of years ago I really thought that something was going to happen.  I thought God was going to open this certain door and that it was going to be everything that I wanted it to be.  Ah but you see I wasn’t really there yet, too much had gone on and we were still working through the illness that almost took J away.  God was still in this process of breaking me apart and teaching me what it really means to be not just a person with a calling but a box of Lego's that are placed into his hands to be built into something best suited to the place He has for us.

I almost feel like I was in that place where I was doing all the right things, but I was using the cleaning supplies that had the fresh scent.  Still trying to mask hurts, and pains,  trying to prove to God and myself that I really believed the truth that he had spoken clearly into my heart when J was in the hospital.  I knew what he said but I really didn't KNOW what he said, maybe it’s better to say I really didn't KNOW what he meant.  I was doing all the right things, but I wasn't opening the windows and doors to let the fresh air in.  I had a manufactured freshness, doing all the things I was supposed to, saying all the things I needed to say.  Spending time reading and praying.  Going to church, blogging my thoughts.  I wasn't faking my relationship with God but I was fooling myself into thinking that I had really allowed the process to be fully implemented.

Spring cleaning is more than just a good wash down of all that is in the house.  Many times we do that during the winter, the difference with spring cleaning is the fact that suddenly the fresh outdoor air can blow through the house, taking with it the dead stale air that has been sitting there since some where October.  I needed to get to the point where the windows and doors were opened and the fresh air could get in, blowing out all the stale, manufactured fragrance, replacing it with something that is the unmistakable sureness of being in the palm of God’s hands, the realization that as I push further into him, and as I spend more time being open to whatever he has, my life will not just be one lived in that permissive area of his will but in the perfect one.

Do I know exactly what that is at this point.  I think I have an idea but as we all know our ways are not his ways and our thoughts are not his thoughts.  So I will wait and live, and move and have my being in Him, I will step back, open the windows and doors and let the freshness that only can come from God blow through my life and in so doing carry me to the place that he has set up.

Doubt?

Looking toward the time when I’m doing ministry again, something that I know is coming even if I’m not totally sure what it looks like yet, (yes I know I can do ministry in the work place and have been attempting to share my faith.)  I have really been making a conscious effort in my quiet time to note thoughts and ideas for teachings or messages, I have also been working at taking meaningful notes during Sunday mornings.  It was so surreal to hear part of the discipleship course I wrote for one of my past churches being taught Sunday, especially when it’s been over 5 years since I last taught the course, I just kept nudging J and telling her can you believe I taught that, that’s one of mine…

Anyway, I have been thinking about the concept of doubt, especially when it comes to the calling I have and the person that is responsible for my personal reservation, when I eventually check out of this life and into the next.  I wonder at people who get upset, especially Christian people, when a person offers even an inkling of doubt about God.  It’s like once a person makes a commitment to Christ they are not allowed to ever have questions, or to wonder why or how, or even if.  I think if most of us were honest, we would have to admit that there are times when we look at the whole thing, and then come up with questions.  I know there are times that I question God, the Bible, the stories in the Bible.  I look at historical documents that pre-date accepted Christian texts and find such similarities that I have to wonder who stole from who back in the pre-enlightened age of mortals.

Why is it so unforgivable to have questions, furthermore does the occasional question of the facts mean that the relationship is worthless, or that it never existed.  Is questioning ones faith, salvation, God, and historical evidence for belief right up there with the unpardonable sin?  This question has been in my mind off and on for a while now.  When I look at the way Christians selectively follow the tenants of faith, be it in loving the person that they don’t like, praying for and respecting the authority in the land, treating people of different faiths as people, not as unspiritual rubbish, because I don’t find that to be the way that God wants things to work.

I think that doubt is a part of faith.  I would go so far as to say it is essential to faith.  Blind faith is at the least silly and at the most dangerous.  Doubt is the pushing off point for faith, at least that’s what I think.

I think it’s important to note that some very important very influential founders of our faith doubted.  Everyone has heard of Thomas, the disciple who had to touch Jesus had to feel the scars in his hands and feel the rip in his side from where the spear pierced the skin and drew blood and water.

What made me come to the concept of doubt being an integral part of faith didn’t come from Thomas though it came from someone else entirely.

When we read the story of Christ there are several key players.  Mary and Joseph, the disciples, the religious leaders of the day, and of course John the Baptist.

Jesus tells his disciples when they ask if Elijah had returned that he had.  John was that person that came to prepare the way.  John himself tells his disciples that he had to become less and Jesus had to become more.  John told Jesus he didn’t need to be baptizing him.  John had a clear picture of who Jesus was when he said that he wasn’t worthy to latch his sandals…and yet.

Luke 7:19-22 (MSG)
¹⁹ He sent two of them to the Master to ask the question, "Are you the One we've been expecting, or are we still waiting?"
²⁰ The men showed up before Jesus and said, "John the Baptizer sent us to ask you, 'Are you the One we've been expecting, or are we still waiting?' "
²¹ In the next two or three hours Jesus healed many from diseases, distress, and evil spirits. To many of the blind he gave the gift of sight.
²² Then he gave his answer: "Go back and tell John what you have just seen and heard: The blind see, The lame walk, Lepers are cleansed, The deaf hear, The dead are raised, The wretched of the earth have God's salvation hospitality extended to them.

Even though John knew who Jesus was, he still had questions, he still wondered, there was a hint of doubt.  The difference between what John did and what many of us do is not that hard to find.  When John had doubts he didn’t let them fester, he didn’t go and ask people who he knew would tell him what he wanted to hear, or people that he knew had doubts.  He went strait to the source.  When John needed to have his doubts eased he asked The Master to ease them.

The best part is Jesus did that,  He didn’t get angry at John and say to the men John sent tell John he needs to have a little faith, He didn’t yell at John or send a message of condemnation.  Far from it.  He showed the men sent who he was and told them to report back to John all that they had seen. Jesus doesn’t stop there though.  He goes on in the text to talk about John in a positive light.  To lift John’s faith up as an example to the people around him.

Doubt is not the problem, it’s what we do with the doubt that’s the problem.  Let it seep deep into our bones, fail to ask the questions, or press into God and His word, look for other people who will validate our doubt, those are the times that we fall, those are the times that doubt becomes a problem because those are the times that we take our eyes off the one we say we have our faith in.  Those are the times that we stray.

See you around the blog...