Itching Ears…

2 Timothy 4:3 (MSG)
³ You're going to find that there will be times when people will have no stomach for solid teaching, but will fill up on spiritual junk food—catchy opinions that tickle their fancy.

I have always wondered at this verse, not that it’s that difficult to understand really.  Everyone needs a good yes man or woman in their life. You know what I mean the person that always agrees with you always tells you what you want to hear.

The thing about yes men and women is they aren’t really being honest.  For whatever reason they don’t want to offend, or hurt, or fill in the word that you need. 

Most Evangelicals use this verse to point fingers at people that don’t teach or believe the way they think they should.  They use it to prove their point, or to show how they are so much more spiritual than others, they use it to justify bigotry, and hatred, they use it to keep people that don’t fit their picture of a good christian away. 

Don’t get me wrong,  I believe what the Bible says,  I believe that there are standards, Godly standards, that Christ followers need to be working on.  It’s part of the idea of walking daily in our faith.  It’s part of the work that goes into our salvation.  As we spend time in God’s word, and as we talk to him regularly, as we shut up for a while and listen, actually listen to what he is trying to say to us.  We will make the changes that are ultimately for our good and his glory. 

What I’m trying to get at is this.  I have watched and listened and read many right wing evangelicals lately.  I find a disturbing trend.  Many of them, some of my friends even seem to be looking for other people who will tell them what they want to hear, the real bothersome thing though is pastors are willing to be the yes man or woman that they are looking for. 

The church today, especially the evangelical church, especially the conservative evangelical church, has taken up the cry of the oppressed, victimized, embattled oppressed standard bearer.  The disappointing thing is historically the church has been on the other side of things, and in many cases, not all but many they still practice the same thing toward the very people they are supposed to reach. 

At some point in the last 20 years the cannon of scripture in the evangelical church has been expanded to include select portions of the constitution, and the 1954 revision of the pledge of allegiance, and here is where the vast majority of today’s evangelical leaders start scratching at peoples ears. 

Be it the right to bare arms, homosexuality, universal health care, taxes, eschatology, social welfare, justice, grace, forgiveness, or the death penalty, name it they will tell the people looking for their side to be justified what they want to hear.

I have been running every other day, and on those runs I’ve been doing a lot of talking and a lot of listening,  I have come to a question.  On any given Sunday or Saturday or whatever day where would Jesus choose to worship, that is the church that I want to be part of, that is the church that I want to lead.  I don’t want to be a pastor that scratches peoples ears, I want to lead a church that reaches up to God in worship, reaches in to the body to train and equip, and reaches out to the community with love, compassion, and openness.  I have no clue where to begin, or even if this is a viable thing.  I just know that I need to know the next steps.

Getting up… over and over and over...

I have to wonder when you just finally stop getting up. I'm at this point in my life where I am finding it harder and harder to get up from the things that make me feel like a failure. The thing about being almost 40 with a calling and a life that has been full of successess and failures is that the failures tend to be focused on more than the successes. I find myself playing not the what if game, but the if only game. If only I had, If only I was, If only I haden't. The endings to those beginnings, are the thing that drags me down.

So much of what we do is based on choice.  Life hinges on the choices that we make,  make good choices and well theoretically goood things happen,  make bad ones and it would follow that crappy things happen.  I guess for the most part this can be born out.  Behavior is a choice,  what we wear is a choice who we talk to who we make friends with,  who we pretend to make friends with.  Choices.  I believe that belief is a choice,  even if its a subconscious one.  In most churches a big deal is made about the fact that humans are special because they were created and given the ability to accept or reject God,  that somehow the angels are sub par to humans because we have a free will.  The issue that I have is there was a time according to scritpture where there was another set of circumstances,  where the angels made a choice… so are we really all that special.  That story had an unhappy ending for some of them and if I read it right humanities story is on the way to a similar ending,  those who choose to accept the sacrifice made by Jesus and make it a part of their core have a very different set of things to look forward to than those who… well don't accept that sacrifice. 

I believe that lifestyle is a choice,  I believe that we can choose to be more like Jesus… unfortunatly for most of us we have replace Jesus with jesus.  See Jesus is the guy that walked around with 12 of his friends for three and a half years.  He healed people,  ate with people he wasn't supposed to,  drank wine talked about the need for social welfare,  doing good even when it went contrary to the letter of the law. He held church leaders to the light exposing their hypocrisy picked a lying cheating thieving tax collector to have dinner with,  threw the entrepenures and free market economists out of the church,  talked to prostitutes,  adulturers,  thieves,  murderers and the people everyone else discounted or called unclean with love and compassion.  Then there's jesus,  you know the one I mean,  politcal activist jesus,  republican jesus,  the one who wants us to have our best life now,  that plays golf with George W and appears on Rush to talk about how we need to secure our boarders and take democracy to the world and get our conceal carry permits because its our right and responsibility to protect whats ours. 

Finally I believe that I have a choice and quite frankly that choice… to get back up after being told no over and over and over again is just getting harder and harder to make…

Let's face it who wants a washed out broken damaged pastor to lead any ministry in any church…

So much rings hollow and that makes it all the worse.  I only pray that if God opens a door at some point I will remember that grace,  mercy,  forgiveness and love are not reserved just for the sinner and are not mutuallly exclusive to the saint.., they are for everyone,  weather I think they deserve it or not.

When a yo yo is just a yo yo

I must be missing some things when it comes to what I think I’m hearing and seeing from God and well what I’m hearing from God.

Tough news today, as I thought I had really heard from God about this whole Student Ministries pastor thing.  There were all kinds of things that seemed to be pointing to God doing something and opening a door at our church. 

Several weeks ago I talked about the strange yo yo occurrence.  It was one of those things that people who are all oggy oggy, yes there’s that technical term again, would have seen as confirmation.  I don’t go in for all that but I would be less than honest if I said that I didn’t sort of put the Yo Yo occurrence in the yeah this has to be God column of this whole endeavor. 

I am pretty bummed out.  Yea I’m disappointed that I didn’t get the position, but the bummedness comes from the fact that I obviously have no clue when it comes to hearing from God, fulfilling the call he has placed on my life and gifted me to fulfill, being what I am.  That’s the part that really bothers me. 

I cried for a while, I’m sad, and I skipped out on the annual meeting where I would have to guess they are going to announce the new guy. 

Here’s the thing through this whole process I have said I just want to know and move forward with whatever there is.  I made the statement that regardless we are at Seneca because it’s where we fit and where we feel we are supposed to be.  That remains the case.  I will continue to work with Bob on Saturdays, I’ll help out in Ignition if that’s wanted, I’ll be a part of Men's Breakfast and men’s ministries as well. Those are not going to change, I just needed to not be there tonight to hear once again that you should be proud but, or we liked you but or fill in the blank when you are second or third place.  Those things don’t really help, to that end I actively chose to skip the annual meeting mainly because I’m being a little bit childish and since I’m not taking my ball or in this instance Yo Yo and going home, I needed a chance to stick out my tongue and say I don’t want to be your friend any more, all the while knowing that tomorrow or the next day when we are out on the playground we’ll be back to our old tricks hanging out and having fun. 

And there it is the saga of Seneca has come to a close and once again I am not…

We’ve been here before…

My blog exists so that I can give people a glimpse into my mind, sometimes my heart, and of course life in general.  Five years ago I told someone who was extremely upset with me because of how ummm transparent I was in one particular post that the point was for me to be able to talk to people, and to have people know and see right where I was.  It was also a way for me to be accountable to myself and others.  If its up here it’s what I’m feeling at the moment. 

Through the years I have had people appreciate my blog, I have had people get upset at some of the things I have written,   I have even had people confront me in love when I was off base or out of line when it came to looking at the things in my life that I hated. 

I still use this blog for that purpose.  Sure sometimes it’s full of stuff that fits more in the spiritual category, sometimes I rant about family stuff, or about frustrations with working.  There are times when I’m sure people must think that I’ve just emotionally vomited all my angst onto the page… not a pretty analogy but it’s not meant to be. 

Lately I’ve been more cryptic with my online life.  What I mean is for a while I had decided to post seemingly disconnected one liners, random thoughts that ran through my brain, this was on Facebook.  I guess it bothered some people.  I also spent some time on the same social media site editing my friends list down to 100 people.  It was pretty interesting and I actually made it a personal quest to keep my friends list on Facebook to 100 people, I even considered dropping the number lower than that.  Why we do these kinds of things is always interesting.  I know that I tell myself reasons all the time for the strange social or friend related things I do, but bottom line is it many times comes down to self preservation…or is that selfishness.  Probably a little bit of both.  I want my friends to care about me on my terms, to talk to me when I want them to talk to me, to find me as important as I am, and when they don’t I punish them albeit subconsciously, and to be honest it’s not really punishing them as much as it is me.  See when I do petty stupid stuff like that it just hurts me, it keeps me from relationship with others.  God put us together to work on things, he wants us to build each other up, to help each other, to be a part of each others lives.  We were made to have fellowship with God sure, but we are also made to want to hang out with other people.  When we pull away from the people God has given us we are not doing what he wants. 

Let’s see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching.

Peterson, E. H. (2005). The Message: The Bible in contemporary language (Heb 10:24–25). Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress.

How can you spur me on if I’m not haning out with you, even if it is on Facebook? 

So what does my title mean?  I am again waiting to hear from a church that I have gone the distance with in the interview process.  I really believe that this is what God has for us.  I believe with everything in me that I’m the one that God want’s to be there…But I’ve been here before, and as the days move on and as I don’t hear anything I realize I’ve been here before…The cool thing is if it’s not what I thought it was if I have not really heard or felt or whatever it is you want to call it from God this time.  I still get to work with some pretty awesome people at the church, the girls still get to be poured into by people who love them in addition to us, we as a family still get to minister.  I’ll be bummed out but not counted out if that makes sense.  

Send some up…

It’s been an interesting bunch of weeks and months at the Newell House. 

Kids are growing like weeds.  Marbles are leaving their jars left and right and I am really trying to think about that before I react and say things.  Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail.  In those failings I actually find myself talking it through with the girls,  I have come to the realization that while the issue that has brought about the frustration is, well one of those situations that being frustrated makes sense and may even be justifiable, but self justification is just a way to wall ourselves away from so many things.  Sure it’s hard to sit down with Amberly and tell her that I’m sorry for reacting the way I did, but it is my hope that if she see’s her dad do it, she will look for that quality among others when she starts getting more and more interested in boys. 

There are other things that have been happening.  I so look forward to men’s breakfast.  Sometimes I wish it would happen more than once a month.  The chance to sit down with other guys is important, sharing struggles and just talking has been a great blessing.  I am blessed to be making friends, something that I had pretty much stopped doing for a while.  My loss, that’s one of the things that really gets me, all of the stuff that I stopped all of the walls that I built all of the anger that I held onto at myself and others, yea it only hurt me, well me and my family, which is one of those things that I will be bringing to God on a pretty regular basis.  I have been falling more and more in love with J.  This woman that God gave me and then gave back to me is amazing.  Lately I have been pretty grumpy due to the whole trying to eat healthy and all that good stuff.  I like the way I feel eating this way.  I like the way I’m starting to look, but I don’t like the part that has me not getting to eat what I like to eat.  She is great though,  just soldiering on and making me realize that it’s better for both of us to eat better, to lose some and to be around longer. 

I am enjoying helping out at Powerhouse.  It’s been a great way to get back in the swing of things.  Back to ministering to being a part of a church instead of being a person that attends… which brings me to the next part. 

I have been given a possible opportunity when it comes to being what I am, what God has called me to be.  What I mean is it’s been made clear that I am a student ministries pastor, that’s who I am that’s what I am built for.  I love working with students through college age.  Watching them grow and mature in their faith.  Listening to them worship, being a part of their journey of faith is one of those things that makes me feel most useful.  This perfect storm of things started to happen a couple of months ago.  One thing about those kinds of storms is that you can ride them out or let them ride you.  In the past I have let the storm ride me.  Taking things to mean what they didn’t, allowing the storm to be more important than the one that makes the storms,  wow that was yeah sorry for that way to obvious comment.  The point is I want to be in God’s perfect will, and I believe with all my heart that I know what that perfect will is,  I believe he has been putting little things in my path to show me what that perfect will is.  I believe that, and I don’t.  What I mean by I don’t is that I just can’t see things being what I think they are supposed to be, I can’t see it happening.  I look at people and I talk to people and I think that they must be looking down at me or on me or whatever.  Pretty lame huh?  See there’s a bit of elitism in a person who sees themselves as the underdog, the broken unusable person.  It’s so easy for me to take the mess that attempts to rear it’s head at times when things start going a certain direction and make others the ones that are bringing condemnation, or judgment, or disapproval.  I’m the one that is doing those things so why do I push those feelings off on them, especially when there is no real reason to feel that way.  I read too much into things sometimes, and I am fairly certain that this is one of those times. 

I just want to remain breakable.  I want to stay in that Lego state of life.  I believe that this is what God has but if I’m wrong I want to be okay with that, and I’m pretty sure I will be.  I’ll be disappointed of course, and if I were to be really transparent I’ll probably be a bit surly for a few days but that will be because I’ll be upset at myself for feeling the way I will end up feeling.  If it’s not what I think it’s going to be, if it’s a no then I still get to work with a great group of people, I still get to pour into the kids that are in powerhouse, and perhaps those in Middle School if they need some help at some point. 

So what am I asking,  I’m asking that you send some up if you think about it.  I want this position, and I believe that it’s what God is doing.  So if you want you can pray that this happens, however in addition to that I would ask that you pray for the outcome to be what God wants more than what I want.  If God has something else in mind then that’s what it is, which brings me to my final request pray that I’ll be able to have the right attitude about not having the desire of my heart.  If this is not what God has, I’m going to need some grace to keep walking in the path that we are in, and to keep my thoughts and heart in the right place.  I want it there. I want to be what he wants me to be I want to be where he wants me to be, I want to be used by him.  That really is the desire of my heart.  The human side though will be disappointed, the human side will get upset, the human side will want to point fingers and assign blame.  I have said and will continue to say that my Blog is here to hold me accountable, to be a place I can say what I am thinking and feeling and what God is doing or not doing in my life.  I am continuing to use it as such.

Thanks for the prayers and for reading.  

Wondering

I tanked...these would be the words that I would use to best describe a recent interaction.

I wonder sometimes if my ears are working right, I know J has been doing so for a while now, and while the ears she is talking about are different than the ones that I am talking about the comparison can't be ignored.

See with my physical hearing I find that there are times that I am focused and can hear everything, then there are those times when I get distracted, not a difficult thing, and I just don't hear anything. J has threatened to get my hearing checked. It's strange I can hear Jo wake up with her door closed music on, one floor away, but I can't hear whats going on right next to me...some of that has to do with focus though. I get into thing's and when I do if you ask me questions or try to engage me I'm going to say huh because I'm lasered into whatever it is I'm doing.

Spiritual hearing though is different. I used to be so sure of things when it came to hearing from God. I would see what God was doing, I would be able to recognize obvious road marks. There was a sureness about things. Now I think I am hearing from God, I think I am seeing Him ordering things. I think...I even pray and feel a deep seated call and a longing to be...but, and that's the problem, but. I don't have that sureness that I used to be able to have. I second guess everything. I look at what looks like God showing me a path, and I wonder if it's God or if it's just me reading too much into things. I don't know.

Here's the thing, I just need God's help in this. In Mark a man has a son who is demon possessed. He comes to Jesus and asks for his help. He says help us if you can...Jesus looks at the guy and I can almost hear the tone in his voice. "if I can?" it's almost like Jesus is saying wait a second you do know who you are talking to. If I can help him. It's all down to belief. Then the man says what so many of us need to say, probably on a daily basis. The father instantly cried out, "I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!"Mark 4:29. See thats the thing I believe...for the most part...but then there are the times that I just don't the times that I believe that I'm to broken, too damaged, to... fill in the blank. Those are the times that are hard.

Do I know what God is doing. I think I do, but then again I probably don't.

 

The Ghost of...