Do you hear what I hear?

There's a well-known and by some much-loved Christmas song by the same name as the title of this post.  It's a pretty neat song, all the different traditional players in the advent story asking the question do  you hear what I hear?

In the song it's all about hearing and seeing and knowing God.  The fact that God is wrapped in flesh, and not adult already grown up and self-sufficient flesh, or Kal El (obscure reference 50 points if you can google it fast enough) flesh, impervious to all the bad stuff the earth could throw at it, but human baby flesh, needs to be cared for needs to be nurtured, needs to be protected flesh, is one of those stumbling blocks to faith for some people.  Understandably so, as humans we come at the idea of power and influence from the wrong end, and every time we do we end up banging our heads against the wall trying to figure out why people don't realize we are right and they are wrong.

This question though is one that  needs to be asked on a daily basis, in regards to all of our relationships.  We should constantly ask ourselves do you hear what I hear, because when we don't hear what the other person in the conversation means we aren't really listening to them.  There's a huge difference between hearing and listening.  I hear all sorts of things, but I don't listen to all the things I hear.

I keep hearing echos of good things to come in the church, but sometimes I wonder if I'm hearing what I want to hear as opposed to listening for the truth.

Yesterday I heard what was being said, but I didn't listen.  The kinetic sculpture race was going on in Baltimore.  We found out it was yesterday because as I was heading over to the church I saw some of the participants lining up and getting ready to head out.  I called J and let her know it was a bummer that they moved the race from a Saturday to a Sunday.  We wouldn't be seeing it like we thought we would.   Drove on ahead to the church with Z and proceeded to get ready for service.

J meanwhile got ready to come to church and also took time to grab clothes for everyone and figure out how to make seeing part of the race a reality.  She's good at that kind of thing, the problem is I didn't listen to what she was saying when church was over.  What she was saying was I love you, I know you like this kind of thing, I know we talked about wanting to see this, and it would be a really cool experience.  I found out the best places to watch the race, there are some spots I would like to go and see what happens, and I want to go to those places with you and the girls.  Lets spend time as a family doing something cool.

I didn't listen to what she said though, I heard the plans, but didn't listen to the intent behind them, and in the reaction missed out on all that could have been. For that I am sorry.

I don't really have to wonder if we do this with God.  It's a given that we do.  We didn't listen to what was being said with the birth of Jesus, we didn't listen to what was being said when Jesus at 12 talked to people much older and amazed them, or to the meaning behind his response to his mother when she and Joseph found him.  We don't listen to what was being said through 3.5 years of ministry, each miracle each parable, each interaction with people who were not supposed to be in the club spoke volumes but for the most part we don't listen to what's being said.  We don't really listen to what Jesus said through the Passover meal, the washing of all the disciples feet, the love for every one of the disciples, including Judas, we don't listen to that, we hear it but we don't listen to it.  It's easy to hear that Jesus died for our sins, to hear the words that were spoken by those in authority at the time.  It's easy to hear what Herod, or Pilate or Caiaphas said, but to listen to it is a different thing.

If I listen to what Jesus said though every one of these interactions mentioned and the ones I didn't bring up, I would begin to realize how important it is to bring the things Jesus found most important into my life, my family's life, and my churches life.  Love God.  Love People.  Those are the things that matter most.  All the stuff people of faith fight about,  who's right and who's wrong, who is properly interpreting the little nuances of scripture correctly, who realizes Jesus was really a socialist, or Jesus was really a free market economist, or really an ultra conservative, or an ultra liberal.  If all of us would stop hearing what scripture says and instead listen to what it says, if I would do a much better job at listening to what it says I think things would look very different in our community.  Our church may not burst at the seams but the people around us would know that we are here for them.  That we love them, that we aren't going to judge them, because we have large enough planks in our own eyes.  They may begin to understand better what Jesus was really saying through his life and ministry on the earth.

Years ago I heard an analogy used to describe what happens in so many churches, even the ones that say all are welcome.  We want people to get cleaned up before they take a bath.  If you're from a more conservative right-wing literal interpretation of scripture and all that goes with it, anyone coming into your circle needs to weed out the things that don't line up with the way you read and interpret scripture.  There's no room for inclusion, or questioning the mode of creation, the veracity of an earth covering flood, the reality of all humanity being descended from Adam and Eve.  If you're from a more liberal left-wing socialistic form of Christianity, it's difficult to include or want to include people who hold to a more fundamental, literal interpretation of scripture.  Letting them into the circle may mean you are not open and affirming enough, that the importance of social justice, and inclusiveness trumps the importance of building authentic community with a person who may be actively seeking a deeper faith more able to handle difficult questions with more than because my pastor said so.

If we would really listen to what God is saying through scripture, I think we would be a lot less sure of ourselves.  I think we would be willing to admit that we don't know or understand.  I think we would be more willing to do away with the things that cause entire groups of people to look at the Christian faith as antiquated and not for them, because it's populated with uncaring unfeeling unenlightened bigots, or wishy-washy, I'm okay, you're okay many paths don't offend anyone hippy's.

I want to listen to what the Spirit is saying to the church, not hear what the administration is saying to the constituents.  I know there are people like that out there, the problem is if we start a group of anti-americhirstians, we too would be in grave danger of hearing what we want to hear instead of listening to what He wants us to do...

When Jesus left he told us to do something, he said go and make disciples.  What we all seemed to hear was go and grow a church, populate it with people who look, sound and act like you, and then try and bring people in and get them to become more like you...not more like Him...

Jesus would be just as comfortable hanging out with Pat Robertson as he would with Jeff Hood.  We're the ones who can't bear to put up with people that we don't agree with or understand or like.  Where we see rivals Jesus sees broken, where we see reason to exclude Jesus sees reason to embrace, where we see place to pass judgment Jesus sees place to apply grace.

I have friends on both sides of the fight as it were.  I don't go far enough for some, I go to far for others.  I am still working through some of the big religio-politcal questions of the day and i'm okay with that.  I'm okay with not agreeing with any one side all the way.  I can't go all in on either side, mainly because both sides are flawed.  The only thing I can really go all in on is my love for Christ, my desire to be more like him, to struggle and walk and fall and get back up and keep going.  To ask for forgiveness when I need to, to offer grace when it's warranted and even when it's not, to Love God and to Love people.  That's where listening has brought me.

Circle the Wagons...Ready Aim...

Two back to back posts in May, and then nothing not for lack of wanting, more for lack of motive...I am making a conscious effort to do less angsty pastor rants against the machine that is the American Christianity.  I'm amazed at how easy it is to write those posts.

This week though is ripe for some sort of post.  Christianity in our country has of course been attacked on two fronts...Once again the media is being unfair to people of faith...once again the media is giving a pass to a celebrity that has undergone a procedure, ushering in what is sure to be the end of most favored status in the eyes of God that our country has so enjoyed...

The real question I have been asking for the past few days is this...would they be welcome in my church?

For the record, I have never been a fan of the Duggars...I have pretty much always felt that their choices are irresponsible, at the same time, if they can afford the lifestyle that they chose to live, not put a drain on much needed social programs for people struggling, then well it's their business, I may not like it, I may not agree with it, I may have huge issues with having so many kids that there is no possible way to adequately parent them.. but part of the joy of living in our country is freedom to choose and well they have chosen.  Some would say that my concerns and theirs have been born out, that their unorthodox lifestyle has caught up to them... Whatever...Conservative Xtians have been circling the wagons, claiming forgiveness, calling the media out for breaking the story...the family has come to the defense of their son and brother and husband, depending on who they are...and they should that's part of being a family, but attempting to play the victim card bugs me, shifting the blame also bothers me, and while some are gleeful that this once prominent family has fallen, I find myself sad, and wondering.  What would happen if any one of them or all 19 plus walked into Locust Point Community Church tomorrow?  What would I say , what would I do?  How would I approach them, how would I pass judgment, and do I even have a reason too?  I maintain no.  I do not NOT NOT for a moment say that what happened years ago is okay, I don't think they did the right thing, I don't think that they did what was best for their family or their son, but if I really believe what I say I believe, if I really believe that Jesus grace is for all, if whosoever means whosoever what do I do with that?  I hate to say it but if they walked into my church I would probably cringe...that's not cool...Jesus didn't cringe when the woman was thrown at his feet, he stooped down and started writing in the dirt...

Speaking of women...if xtians have circled the wagons with the Duggars, they have Loaded for Bear with Caitlin / Bruce Jenner...I risk offending everyone I know with this next bit but this blog is as much for me as it is for others, and if reader stats are any indication, well anyway love it when people read my blog, wish more would.  What would I do if any of the Jenners walked into Locust Point Community Church tomorrow morning?  What if Caitlin walked into my church, sat in the back and just listened?  I'll admit to having an issue with his choice.  The Christ follower Pastor part of me truly believes that God designs us.  That comes from here...

Psalm 139:13–16 (NLT) — 13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. 15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. 16 You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

Bruce's choice bothers me, because it seems he is telling God...you were wrong...that may be an elementary understanding and it may bother some of my friends... I'm okay with that.  I am equally bothered by the people who are claiming that Bruce's choice is equal to the end of the world as we know it. If what I read in Psalm 139:16 is true then God knew this was going to happen.  Caitlin is also a whosoever...and if I really believe that, then I have to know that God loves Caitlin where she is right now...and that God loved Bruce right where he was before the whole journey started.  It means that God will continue to love and reach and want a relationship with Caitlin, even though she chose to tell God he was wrong...If God loves her that much, if he is willing to reach to her then my calling and job is clear.  Do I think this choice was brave...not really, should Caitlin have been given an award for courage...not in my book but hey it's not my network, and really in the grand scheme of things does it matter...a person that has a relationship with God that is real and active is what we should all be striving for, and if we say we are Christ followers, hoping to bring others into, including Caitlin Jenner...At the risk of sounding simple.  Jenner with an award and no relationship with God is the same as Jenner without an award and no relationship with God, a tragedy.

As a Christian and Pastor, I have it all wrong.  Not wanting either the Duggars or the Jenners in my church on a Sunday morning speaks to a lack of faith on my part.  It's not my job to defend or prosecute either one of them.  It's my job, my calling, and should be my heart to pray for them, to stand in the gap for them.  Regardless of how I feel about both situations, they are all whosoever's...but hey so am I...so are you...

The Hands Get Higher

I know this is a second post in a week. I also know that I have in the past talked about posting more often.  I would love to say that this is the beginning of bi-weekly updates, and while that is a goal, it's not one that I'm going to commit too.  Just know that I have a desire to write more and will do so as much as I can... Anyway on to it.

I have had this really cool opportunity to spend time with my daughters, and to watch them get bigger and all that good stuff. At 41, I'm a pretty blessed guy on many fronts.



There is a problem though when you have daughters and only daughters, something happens, they break you... Now I don't mean in the sense that they break your will to live, although I would have to say that there are times that seems true.  I mean they break your manly bravado... you know what I mean, that stoic, manly not going to cry thing.  In the past years I have been more and more prone to shedding a few tears at movies, tv shows, songs, or just looking at my girls come down the stairs dressed for some outing.

I've asked all of them to stay small...and well none of them have.  I can pretty much say with certainty that the oldest 2 didn't really want to and would roll their eyes and all that good stuff.  Not Me Me.  I told her the other day to stay just this size, as I swept her up in my arms and held her close.  She said okay daddy I'll stop growing...  It's funny all three of my girls are mine, but Me Me is a different kind of mine if that makes sense. Likely because she's the last one, anyway.  She has promised me she won't get any bigger, and as cute as it is and as much as I wish it were true, as much as I wish I could freeze time for all three of us and keep us in some sort of stasis bubble, the reality of life keeps forcing itself into my world.

One of my favorite things to do is hold my kids hands.  I don't know why it just is the way it is.  I like holding their little hands. Equally awesome is when they grab one of my fingers.  With the oldest two there came a time when they decided that holding dad's hand wasn't all that cool a thing to do.  One of my favorite things is when they forget that they are supposed to not need or want to hold my hand any more and they just grab my hand as we walk down the sidewalk, those moments are just really spectacular and I'm usually pretty glad I have sunglasses that cover my eyes pretty much completely at that point.  With each of them I've been fascinated by the way the hands get higher...and as they do I find myself becoming less needed, as the days slip by, as they grow, as they change as they move past their dad, I find loads of pride in my soul, but I also find a profound sense of melancholy, or maybe it's just a pity party for myself because I realize that there is coming a day that I will have to give them to someone else.  That there will be a dance, and a kiss, and a handing off and well, then I'll move to a different place of importance in their life, my influence will diminish, instead of hey dad look, instead of the myriad crafts that Zoey makes, instead of the 12-year-old plopping on the couch to hang with dad and asking to play a game or watching a show, instead of Me Me running into the room telling me she had the awesomest dream with wolf and a cheetah, it'll be hey dad how's it going, hows mom well have a good day bye.

Today it hit me three times , Amberly has her first phone, Zoey has her first dance, and Me Me's hand isn't nearly as low as it should be, no matter how much she promises she is going to break that promise, and while I want all my children to keep their word, this is one that I will have to deal with being broken.  In fact this is one that I want her to break, because as much as I love all three of them, as much as I want to keep them all to myself, that wouldn't be fair.

I have awesome girls, and the world needs them, it needs their creativity, and strength and love, and faith.  It needs them.  It just hope and pray that they will realize that I need them too.  That every so often they need to come back and plop on the couch, or grab my hand walking down the sidewalk, or tell me hey dad I had the awesomest dream.

Oranging Out...

The last few weeks have been bitter sweet.  The end of April beginning of May is one of my favorite times of the year, mainly because of Orange Conference.  This year though the week started off on a sad note, as I sat with a family in my church waiting for the news that one of their loved ones passed from an unexpected accident.  In addition to all of that we live and minister in Baltimore. The week of Orange also was one of the most intense weeks in the city, and our kids were staying in the City with my mother in law.  They were perfectly safe, in our insulated community in the city limits, a fact that makes me happy, knowing they were safe, and sad because we were so disconnected from the hurt and anger and seeming hopelessness felt by a city and a people who have been misused and mistreated for hundreds of years.

I look forward Orange, I told J that I live from Orange to Orange.  Being a pastor in a church in the city, a church that has been struggling, a church that is getting it's footing and will be doing some great things, but isn't there yet.  I get tired.  I get worn out, and I feel an intense need to come to an oasis.  Orange has been that oasis. I can join with other people who get it, nurse my delusions of one day being an Orange Specialist, or even being able to share the struggles of a pastor working hard to change an entire culture not just in his church but in the community that church serves.  allow me to qualify that last statement.  I love the people in my church.  I love that they are there, have been faithful for years, I know that there have to be some radical changes if the church is going to be relevant and remain in the neighborhood in the next 5 years.  They do too, but change is hard, and we all can recognize the need to change, and even agree that it needs to happen but that doesn't mean we like it, and can support it.

That's something else that I am learning.  Knowing and wanting to do something, or wanting to be able to do something doesn't mean we can do it.  Sometimes we have to let go of what we have, realize that we can't make the transition, but allow that transition to be made regardless.  Increasingly I am finding that one of the most important things that I can do in the coming months and years is help people not just see the need, not just accept the need but embrace the fact that their roots may be too deep, that the change is going to be more than they can handle, and is it fair for me to expect them to just suck it up and handle it? For people who have been in the church, have seen the church in good times, and seen it steadily decline, is it realistic to get them to completely give themselves over to the new things that must be done?  I don't think so.  It comes down to the idea of old wine and new wine, no one says the old wine is bad, on the contrary the aged wine has some great qualities, people look for a good year when they look for a good wine and rarely is that year the one that they are currently in, but the old wine has also made it to a stage that it is what it's going to be regardless you can move it from one container to another but that's about it, there isn't much change left.  New wine is different, it takes time to become what it is going to be, it has to go through the process of growing into what it is going to become. Which is where we find ourselves currently in our church.  There are new things that have to happen and it's hard for people to jump on board, it doesn't make them bad people at all, on the contrary they have been and remain faithful, it just means that moving forward we have to be creative, planting something new, growing a different kind of church along side the existing church.  Which leads us to looking at who we are and what we are doing as a new church plant in some ways.  The tension between the two can, at times be a bit overwhelming, but the pay offs are also well worth the investment, at least to me they are.

I love the people that have been in the church for years, I love the community of Locust Point and I can say that the people both new and old in this part of the city have a place in my heart that is hard to explain. I see people in any number of the local pubs, or walking their dog, or playing with their kids in the park, or sitting on their stoops and I have a collective desire to see all of them come to terms with God.  I want the church we are and the church we aspire to be,  to be one of the navigation helps on the road to relationship with God.  I'm sure it can happen and we will continue to walk through the tension of the old and the new with the grace that God gives without measure,  I just hope that I can apply some of the same grace when I get frustrated, lol.

Orange gives me an opportunity to hang out with people who see what can be, to be poured into by people who have been there, or are traveling that same road.  This year I was able to take J with me which was pretty cool, I wanted to take more from the church but with all that was going on back here it is easy to understand why that just wasn't really possible, hopefully next year.  Every part of Orange is enjoyable to me, from the worship to the speakers in the main sessions, to the breakouts all of it is great, but this year two things stood out, things that for many would seem unimportant, but for someone who craves connection with like minded people made the conference all the more special.

Thing 1.  We went to a hang out session with Carey Nieuwhof, great author really neat guy and someone I follow pretty extensively through blog, book, and pod cast. I've commented on his blog and been really excited each time he has mentioned the post in some way.  When we got there he saw my name tag said hi but also remembered me from the other interactions we have had, that was really neat, for someone of his stature, at least in my world, to remember me was a big deal, then he saw me again in the hall outside the main arena and said hey.  It's a silly thing to some but that little bit of interaction made my day.  There is something about being recognized by someone you deem as important and realizing that they are accessible.

Thing 2.  Jon Acuff...lets see where do we go with this one?  I've been reading Stuff Christians like for a while, just finished the book of the same name, and find him both witty and thought provoking at the same time.  I've also commando tweeted the guy before but was kinda never really on his radar.  Something happened at Orange, I am fairly certain it had to do with my kid sending a picture of herself with one of the National Guardsman stationed outside her school, and that kid being close in age to his own kid but who knows, anyway he started following me on twitter.  Now again this is big for me,  I was totally geeking out over it, mainly because of the respect I have for him.  He's made it in this world that I have been pushing myself into more and more and I like the thought that it's possible for me to make it as well.  So when he started to follow me it was a big deal.  The fact that he has like 80 Billion followers, and follows a bunch of people as well is beside the point, he started following this pastor of a small church that is looking to birth something new into a community that needs connection and well it just was a huge encouragement to me. Couple that with me calling him out for using an app to automatically favorite tweets with certain words, and being told by him that he doesn't even know what an auto favoriter is (yes I made up that terminology but they do exist), and well yeah you get the picture, I told that story several times and am telling it again here because I found it so cool.

The fact is whenever someone in the Orange world interacts with my via social media I perk up a bit.  It's like this connection to a wider world of people, trying to change the conversation revolving around faith, culture, and interaction with the world at large.  The ability to bridge the gaps between churches and communities is hard enough with all the negative press Christ Followers receive mainly because of vocal minority who somehow have big medias attention.  Doing church differently is something that must be done, and in these two guys at least I see a desire to make that happen on a grander scale.  For that I'm thankful.

I still haven't hit the holy grail of Orangdom though... That moment when Reggie Joiner engages on a different level... then of course the only thing left will be Andy Stanley giving me a favorite.  Ah well when that happens I am sure that rainbows and unicorns will sing and dance through a field of lucky charms while I eat a bowl of Captain Crunch...  yea that makes no sense, but you get the idea.  And just so we're clear, I know they are just a couple of guys doing what God has called them too, I know that they have a lot on their plates, that they do all the things I do as a guy.  I know that what's special about them isn't who they are but who they serve.  I know it, I embrace it, and I'm not trying to be them.  The point is God knows when we need a shot in the arm, and in addition to knowing when we need it he knows just the type of shot to give us.  So yea while these guys are great, and I admire them, more importantly I admire a God who knows what will make me smile, and cares enough to nudge things in that direction.

I live here...

My mother in law and I were talking the other day about the news cycle and all the things that happen and how many of them happened before, but due to the lack of technology were not really known for months or if ever, depending on where you were in the country in relation to the event. 

Now we have Facebook, Twitter, Vine, YouTube, CNN, and for those so inclined Fox. Something happens somewhere and we are instantly aware, and in that awareness we all feel obligated to wax eloquent on the situation.  But today as I watch my Facebook feed I find myself promising myself that I wont do that anymore. 

Our city is litterally in flames in some quarters, police officers have been hurt, some seriously, kids lives are being ruined at an astonishing rate, and city officials are presiding over this nightmare, and people across social media, find it necessary to speak up and tell it like it is.
Please dont, dont politicize this tragedy, dont use it as proof that your side is right, that if only your side was in power things would be diferent.  Don't use my citys tragedy as a soap box. 

What we should do, pray for our leaders, and the kids, and churches, and pastors and parents.  We should look for ways to serve, we as Christ Followers should be there to pick up the pieces, when the dust settles.  We should bring trash bags, and rakes and shovels and paint and help a community rebuild.  We should make cards for injured officers, and food for people living in looted out areas.  We should remember that they were hungry, sick, naked and in prison.  So many things we should remember, so many things I should remember. 

So please if you have it in your mind to comment on my city, pray first, then as you put keys to screen, pray some  more, and finally as you poise your fingers above the enter key...press delete.

Weary in Doing

I'm tired. I toyed with adding a few more words to that sentence, but there really wasn't a reason to do so, those two words perfectly sum up how I feel and have felt for a while now.  Jesus knew how to take breaks.  We find him doing so throughout the 3.5 years he was in ministry, at times going to a mountain to pray, at times pulling his disciples away, he knew the importance of recharging.  Having said that I really get this scripture.  

The verse says don't get weary in doing good... the problem that I run into is recognizing doing good and just doing.  I think this happens to a lot of people.  We get so caught up in the daily grind of living, doing all the things that we are supposed to do, that the good that we can do gets lost in the shuffle.  Even when we intend to do good, life can get in the way, and something we mean to do, or want to do either gets left un-done or is done poorly.  Then comes the self-justification, or self judgment, these are the places I usually find myself.  I justify a poor job because of the fatigue of being so busy, all the while looking at what I've done feeling terrible because I have failed to meet the needs or expectations of the people I'm serving.

I'm guessing most people read this the way I have in the past, with the idea of how easy it is to get tired of doing good things, or the right thing because it may not really make much of a tangible difference.  We know in principle that Jesus tells people not to seek out recognition here on earth, that when we go for the accolades here we "have our reward."  That view is a nice neat sewn up easily understood and by some respects easily applied concept.  I need to keep doing the right thing, the good thing, because the Bible says to, and if I want that reward when all is said and done to be as good as it can be I shouldn't care if people don't recognize my service, more for me in eternity.

Except as with most of what I now read and then pray about and then let work in me these day's I have begun to see this one in a different light, given the context I find that the new light seems to fit more closely with what may have been intended.

When I am so busy doing all the things that "have" to be done, I tend to forget the things that should be done.  I forget the good that should be done because no matter where he was, no matter what was going on, when Jesus saw a person who needed to be reached, he did it, he didn't really pick the "right" people to do good to, he just did good.  Be it a Samaritan woman with multiple husbands, a short tax collector who cheated people, a woman caught in "THE ACT," a group of lepers, demon possessed men, a Centurions servant, you name it Jesus did good, in fact he never tired of doing good.

I do though, I know I'm supposed to do good, but when life gets in the way, and all the things I have to do come to mind, I give up the good thing, for the thing that needs my attention, but does that thing really need my attention?  Don't get me wrong I'm not advocating disregarding responsibility, sacrificing my family, and allowing myself to become an unhealthy blob with medical issues of my own making.  Those things are equally as bad as not doing the good thing.  What I am saying is that doing good, actively evaluating what I do when it comes to serving others is important, I need to be sure that the have to do's in ministry don't get in the way of the should do's.  But its more than that.  I should also do good to my family, my body, and my spirituality.

If it follows that I reap good things in ministry when I do the right thing by those that need ministered to, I'll reap good things when I spend quality and quantity time with my family, stick to my running plan and keep my caloric intake where it should be, and spend time in personal worship and study and reflection.

It's hard though, especially when so many things must be done, when I feel like I can't please anyone including God, and when all I see are more hills to climb.  Even though I know that I can and do find rest in Him, there are times I would like that rest to last more than a moment.

Where's the Spice

Easter is over...that's actually a good thing in some respects.  It was supposed to be a banner day for us.  A friend of mine posted on Facebook his excitement at breaking an attendance record, we didn't.  I read what others are doing, I see posts from friends and churches and read blogs and stats and realize that we have so far to go.  This isn't a bad thing, it's good to know there's work to be done, it's exciting to be in a place that has so much potential and to be able to see that potential realized...I'm happy that my buddy had a "successful" Easter, really I am, except that I'm not.

Well that's not true, I am glad that his church was able to reach people but there's some jealousy in my heart and it's not fun to admit that.  It's not easy to admit it either.  I mean come on I'm a pastor, and furthermore I'm one of those enlightened pastors who measures success in a different way,  I look at relationship and connection and quality of connection as opposed to the numbers in the seats.  I see the potential we have for reaching our community in new and innovative ways.  I'm all about engaging on a deeper level than most churches are willing to go, so me being jealous that a friend of mine had an attendance record last Sunday, and in fact many churches that I know of seemed to do the same shouldn't even be an issue, except it is.   I want all the things I just wrote about myself to be true all of the time, at best they are true some of the time, and usually not true at the same times.  I came into Easter Sunday happy about the inevitable bump that we would see...except we didn't really see one.  Okay that's not accurate there were more people than we usually have, but not enough...not enough for the other part of me that does measure success by the numbers.

It's all about expectations, for instance... I am a huge spiced jelly bean fan.  I like them, to me they are better than the fruit flavored ones,  I may even like them better than Jelly Belly's but that's up in the air, I can put a serious hurt on a bowl of Jelly Belly's, but I digress. I looked for spiced Jelly Beans this year, and I can't find them, I'm sure they exist somewhere but for some strange reason they weren't around where I was looking.  My expectations of eating spiced jelly beans from after Easter sales have not been realized.  They are not here.  It's the same thing with my expectations for Easter Sunday morning, they just weren't met and there really isn't much I can do about that.  I'll just have to deal with it and move on.

Still it's not really easy to deal with.  It's hard to see what you know can be, it's hard to look at the number of kids we had, which was great, it's hard to hear the new musician and the new music and all that stuff, and wonder if it's going to work.  I want our church to be the place that people in Locust Point think of when they have a need, or when they need someone to talk to or when they need someone to pray for something.  I want people in South Baltimore to see us as a place to come to when they are tired and hurting all the ways a person hurts.  I want our church to become a hub of ministry activity, that is doing things in the community and the city and well it would branch out from there.  I want  all these things, and I firmly believe with all that is in me we are taking the steps that need to be taken to see this happen. I believe that we are working in Gods plan to see these things happen, but I'm tired at the same time because it feels like we're pushing a boulder up a mountain sometimes, and when I think that I realize how hard it must seem to the people in the church, who have been here year in and year out, and who have watched things change around them, have watched the family and friends they love and used to serve with either leave, or get older and stop coming, or pass away, and it makes me mad that I even think I have a right to be tired when they have been in the fight for years.

We're not going anywhere.  This is where God has called us, and for the vast majority of my time I love what I am doing, love the people that I'm doing it with, and am excited about what is coming, but there are days...days that are supposed to be different, that are supposed to be traditionally more than they are at this point, and in those days I get frustrated and tired, and want to physically pick every person in Locust Point up on a Sunday Morning and carry them into the church...

I guess the hardest part of this whole thing is I know that it's going to take time, a lot of time to see some of the things that I know are possible to happen,  I know that we are going to be able to do new things, and see new things and well yea all that stuff but if I were completely honest with myself, I really thought the growth would be faster.  I thought we would be at 30 to 50 people on Sunday mornings by now.  I thought we would have more musicians some of whom were volunteers, I figured our Kids Ministry would be popping, well okay in some respects it is, but I thought that things would be moving faster...the fact that they are not smacks me in the face and I feel like I'm failing God the people in our church and my family.  Expectations suck because, for a person like me, they never really are met.

Anyway that's where my mind has been the past few days...perhaps these thoughts will resonate with others,  who knows.