Six years ago...well okay five years and a couple of weeks, Joyce and I spent a month at University Hospital in Morgantown WV. I spent the days in the ICU waiting room, and the Nights in a chair by her bed. If you want to know more you can look it up on the blog, quite extensively documented, sometimes more than once a day.
Today I sit in a surgical waiting room, tweeting, texting and hoot suiting updates on the cancer surgery that we knew was coming, just like a train that starts down a track, moving from point a to point b, it will get there and you really can't stop it, even when you wish you could, even when you say, as J did last night, I don't want to do this. We don't want to do this, and didn't want to do it. Doesn't matter though, this is where we are.
J is in the last of three procedures, the first two went well, if knocking someone out with drugs and cutting and removing things can be seen as going "well," still if this lets us continue to do life together then this is what we do.
23 years ago I will or was it I do? We talked about better and worse, richer and poorer, sick and healthy. It's safe to say that we've been through all of those things. J has stuck beside me through worse and worse, we have weathered some serious storms, had times of intense joy and excitement, done amazing ministry. We have felt success, failure, fear, loss. Pretty much everything people feel when they do life together.
I never thought that J would be the one that was in hospitals, I always thought that would be me, and I always thought it would be at least 2o years away. That's not how it worked out though. We are here, walking through cancer, just like we walked through everything else and will keep walking through things.
You learn so much when you go through these things, you learn about yourself, you learn about the people around you. You learn and grow and change and sometimes it's a good thing, and sometimes it's a sad thing, and sometimes it's just hard. The important thing isn't which of those adjectives it is, the important part is the learning, the internalization of the things you find out about life and how you are doing or have been doing it and what you do from then on.
The final doctor came out. He said everything went well, we will get to go to recovery soon, get to see her and be with her. Thank you for praying, for standing in that space that it's been hard for me to stand in lately. The space between faith and doubt, belief and denial, trust and anger. Please keep doing so. I know it's selfish, but we need it now more than you know. The journey is not over, there is still much to do, more steps to take, more things to deal with, more conversations, more, more, more. You all being strong when we are not really does help.
Thursday, December 15, 2016
Thursday, November 17, 2016
Words, Words, Words.
Words have meaning, sure that's a pretty obvious statement, but in light of all that has been going in the last week plus it bears repeating.
Last week I posted about my feelings on the election, about the bulk of evangelical church leaders support of the President Elect, the knowledge that my personal journey of faith and just daily life has pushed me away from the way an evangelical is supposed to think and act, and in some ways has placed road blocks and wedges between people who knew me when...
Words are easy, especially today when those words can be posted from a distance without any dialog. When we read words we assign them meaning not just based on definition but on a set of filters we have picked up over our lifetime. When I read I hear words and sentences if that makes sense. I put emotion and inflection, or at least my brain does, into what I am reading. This is problematic because I am almost certain that I get the intention wrong at least 90 percent of the time.
But words matter just like actions matter. When I look at what is happening, at who is being appointed to important positions and at the actions of a group of people who everyone knew existed but that had been relegated to silence. There will always be bigotry in the world because humans are flawed. Still as Christ followers we're supposed to remember that being in the world is necessary but living differently is not just some sort of suggestion. It's a command from the one we claim to follow.
Here is where I get frustrated. In every movement there are extreme individuals. People who the vast majority of people wish would just not open their mouth. Those individuals are useful in some ways, they represent numbers and numbers are always good to have, but then many of us hope that they will slink off to obscurity again once the initial goal is achieved. I know there are people who voted for the president-elect that are loving, caring thoughtful individuals, they don't look down on people, they don't and never would say some of the things that are being said with increasing regularity. They probably hope that the alt right will just slink back to that rock it crawled out from under and disappear for at least another two years and if they have their way another four. The thing is it's not happening, the alt right is not crawling anywhere and with the appointment of Steve Bannon it seems that the new administration is perfectly fine with that. Words matter and Trumps words have birthed a fear in a large group of people in this country, I place myself with that group. But that's not all that those words have done, they have emboldened this group of people so much that they not only aren't crawling back under the rock, but are willing to pick those rocks up and start throwing them, and through it all the evangelical movement, specifically its leaders seem to remain silent, it's not enough to call for prayer, it's not enough to have a rally where the answer is to pray for our country and leadership to somehow get back to God. The church should have already been praying, it's time to be Hands and Feet extended to the whosoever's, which makes this next paragraph so hard to write.
As much as I wish it were not so, President Elect Trump is a reality. I am completely down with protests. I think that they offer an opportunity, when done peacefully, to show where we stand in tangible ways, but words matter, and no matter how much it pains us to admit it. We have a President Elect. Democrats have said not my president when it was George W B, Republicans said not my president when it was Barak O, and now Democrats are again saying not my president when it's Donald T. Not My Choice seems more accurate. I know it's not as catchy a slogan, but it is non-the-less true. Protest but do so in such a way that the people's attention you are trying to get are pushed to confront the reality of what is now happening, forced to face the fact that the racism, misogyny, and bigotry that they want to claim is just a fringe part of their choice is not as fringe as they thought or wanted to admit.
When I say not my choice it places the onus on the ones who voted for the President Elect to deal with the choice they made, or should in theory. When I say not my choice I am reminding people who I get a chance to choose again in two years for the House and Senate, and in four years for the White House. When I say not my choice I also begin to realize the responsibility I have to stand up for and with people who will be effected in the next four years but also who are feeling the fear and effects of what is happening right now, and finally when I say not my choice, I am faced with the reality that I have the choice to pray, every day, for the leadership of our country, not the way I want to pray, but the way Paul told Timothy to pray for them.
What strikes me in this scripture is that we are not necessarily praying for conversion here. We are to pray for God to help them. I have to say that's not something that I really want to do right now. I want to pray that the incoming administration implodes, that they fail to enact a single policy measure that they ran on. I want to pray that the Senate Majority leader fails, that The speaker of the house falls apart. I want to pray imprecatory prayers, but that's not what I'm supposed to do.
I'm supposed to pray for my leaders and ask God to Help them, but more than that I'm supposed to Give thanks for them. I don't want to, but living like Christ necessitates my daily doing something that no one in their right mind would want to do. Take up a cross and follow him.
What makes this all so hard is the realization that I must pray for help and guidance for the president-elect, and stand with the people who are out there protesting, working with them, loving them where they are, and pushing the importance of the issues that face us all.
Our country is more divided than ever, and I don't see that changing any time soon. I have come to a realization though, healing the divide isn't nearly as important as living out the faith I have been called to. So I'll be doing a lot of praying, and a lot of standing up for the people who are afraid and stand to lose the most. I'll be doing a lot of praying for leaders and standing against the policies they will attempt to make that go against the mandate to bring the love and Light of Christ to "WHOSOEVER."
Last week I posted about my feelings on the election, about the bulk of evangelical church leaders support of the President Elect, the knowledge that my personal journey of faith and just daily life has pushed me away from the way an evangelical is supposed to think and act, and in some ways has placed road blocks and wedges between people who knew me when...
Words are easy, especially today when those words can be posted from a distance without any dialog. When we read words we assign them meaning not just based on definition but on a set of filters we have picked up over our lifetime. When I read I hear words and sentences if that makes sense. I put emotion and inflection, or at least my brain does, into what I am reading. This is problematic because I am almost certain that I get the intention wrong at least 90 percent of the time.
But words matter just like actions matter. When I look at what is happening, at who is being appointed to important positions and at the actions of a group of people who everyone knew existed but that had been relegated to silence. There will always be bigotry in the world because humans are flawed. Still as Christ followers we're supposed to remember that being in the world is necessary but living differently is not just some sort of suggestion. It's a command from the one we claim to follow.
Here is where I get frustrated. In every movement there are extreme individuals. People who the vast majority of people wish would just not open their mouth. Those individuals are useful in some ways, they represent numbers and numbers are always good to have, but then many of us hope that they will slink off to obscurity again once the initial goal is achieved. I know there are people who voted for the president-elect that are loving, caring thoughtful individuals, they don't look down on people, they don't and never would say some of the things that are being said with increasing regularity. They probably hope that the alt right will just slink back to that rock it crawled out from under and disappear for at least another two years and if they have their way another four. The thing is it's not happening, the alt right is not crawling anywhere and with the appointment of Steve Bannon it seems that the new administration is perfectly fine with that. Words matter and Trumps words have birthed a fear in a large group of people in this country, I place myself with that group. But that's not all that those words have done, they have emboldened this group of people so much that they not only aren't crawling back under the rock, but are willing to pick those rocks up and start throwing them, and through it all the evangelical movement, specifically its leaders seem to remain silent, it's not enough to call for prayer, it's not enough to have a rally where the answer is to pray for our country and leadership to somehow get back to God. The church should have already been praying, it's time to be Hands and Feet extended to the whosoever's, which makes this next paragraph so hard to write.
As much as I wish it were not so, President Elect Trump is a reality. I am completely down with protests. I think that they offer an opportunity, when done peacefully, to show where we stand in tangible ways, but words matter, and no matter how much it pains us to admit it. We have a President Elect. Democrats have said not my president when it was George W B, Republicans said not my president when it was Barak O, and now Democrats are again saying not my president when it's Donald T. Not My Choice seems more accurate. I know it's not as catchy a slogan, but it is non-the-less true. Protest but do so in such a way that the people's attention you are trying to get are pushed to confront the reality of what is now happening, forced to face the fact that the racism, misogyny, and bigotry that they want to claim is just a fringe part of their choice is not as fringe as they thought or wanted to admit.
When I say not my choice it places the onus on the ones who voted for the President Elect to deal with the choice they made, or should in theory. When I say not my choice I am reminding people who I get a chance to choose again in two years for the House and Senate, and in four years for the White House. When I say not my choice I also begin to realize the responsibility I have to stand up for and with people who will be effected in the next four years but also who are feeling the fear and effects of what is happening right now, and finally when I say not my choice, I am faced with the reality that I have the choice to pray, every day, for the leadership of our country, not the way I want to pray, but the way Paul told Timothy to pray for them.
“I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people. Ask God to help them; intercede on their behalf, and give thanks for them. Pray this way for kings and all who are in authority so that we can live peaceful and quiet lives marked by godliness and dignity.”
(1 Timothy 2:1–2 NLT-SE)
What strikes me in this scripture is that we are not necessarily praying for conversion here. We are to pray for God to help them. I have to say that's not something that I really want to do right now. I want to pray that the incoming administration implodes, that they fail to enact a single policy measure that they ran on. I want to pray that the Senate Majority leader fails, that The speaker of the house falls apart. I want to pray imprecatory prayers, but that's not what I'm supposed to do.
I'm supposed to pray for my leaders and ask God to Help them, but more than that I'm supposed to Give thanks for them. I don't want to, but living like Christ necessitates my daily doing something that no one in their right mind would want to do. Take up a cross and follow him.
What makes this all so hard is the realization that I must pray for help and guidance for the president-elect, and stand with the people who are out there protesting, working with them, loving them where they are, and pushing the importance of the issues that face us all.
Our country is more divided than ever, and I don't see that changing any time soon. I have come to a realization though, healing the divide isn't nearly as important as living out the faith I have been called to. So I'll be doing a lot of praying, and a lot of standing up for the people who are afraid and stand to lose the most. I'll be doing a lot of praying for leaders and standing against the policies they will attempt to make that go against the mandate to bring the love and Light of Christ to "WHOSOEVER."
Thursday, November 10, 2016
The other post…
I have another post…it’s a really good one too, it’s almost done. I’ve been working on it for a few days. There’s a really cool picture in that post from our trip to Fright Fest. I talk about relevant things in that post. Frustrations with life at the moment, worries about things that are coming, annoyance with people who claim Christianity. It’s a good post. I’ll finish it up and post it…it’s a good post.
This isn’t that almost finished post though. You’ve probably already figured that out.
I don’t sleep a lot any more. Life has been handing us a lot to deal with. Everyone knows that. So when I have an excuse not to sleep it makes things better, I can tell myself that I’m not sleeping for a good reason, instead of because of the concern and worry that plagues me. Anyway Tuesday night I was awake because I was concerned about the election. To be clear I didn’t start out that way, and while I didn’t think it was a complete lock, I was pretty sure that the American people had the keys and were heading to the door…then I popped over to the news and saw the map and realized that not only were we on the edge of the rabbit hole, but that darn rabbit was behind us about to give us a push.
My heart sank when they called state after state for Trump. There would be one brief moment when sanity seemed to be prevailing, and then again it started to happen with Trump being given state after state. To make matters worse Republicans retained the Capitol building. Promising that the next four years have the potential to be terrifying. Health care will be rocked, common sense regulation abandoned, and another attempt at trickle down economics, a failed concept over and over and over.
More than anything I couldn’t stomach the fact that a man who in 1992 talked to a 10 year old girl and then told people he would be dating her in 10 years was actually going to be sitting in the Oval Office. I have a 10 year old daughter, in fact I have three daughters, three daughters that have to live in a country that has decided for whatever reason to give a sexual predator the most important desk in the land.
So many of my old evangelical friends have some strange notion that America equals Israel. That our country is in some way a New Testament substitute for the Old Testament Israelites, except that it’s not true, but for arguments sake lets say they are right (for the record they are not!) The conventional godspeak that they use is the idea that God set this whole thing up, and while I don’t believe last nights results took God at all by surprise, (part of that whole omniscience thing) Lets apply a concept from the Children of Israel…They decided that they wanted a king, even though they were not supposed to. They put up a big fuss and told Samuel they wanted a king. Samuel told God, Samuel was frustrated, he understood what was coming, understood what would happen, he could see what was coming even before the whole king thing happened. He was offended for God, and told God so, then God said this…
Several months ago, the religious right anointed Donald Trump as their chosen King. People like James Dobson, and Jerry Falwell Jr. and Franklin Graham have asked for their King, and have encouraged their followers to do the same. Well they have the King they asked for…One only need look at what happened to the Children of Israel when God gave them their king. It wasn’t what they were supposed to have, it wasn’t the best thing for them, but they didn’t much care about that, they wanted what they wanted…
Will the world keep turning? Of course. Will we make it through the next four years? I would like us to, but I’m really not sure. I know that I have friends that are afraid, we minister to Syrian refugee families that are going to be terrified. Joyce has students at school that are worried. But none of that matters right, because we have a guy who promised to repeal healthcare, stand up for the right to own guns, build a wall keeping people out…(do we realize that walls also keep us in?) A guy who consistently disparages entire people groups, looks at women as less than men, and is down with torture, and using nuclear weapons if we need to…
They have their King…
As a person that follows Christ I have this mandate to share the Gospel with people, not some people, not a few people, not people who I understand and am comfortable with, just people. If I get the chance to do so with words that's fine, but more and more I am convinced that the gospel is shared through living like Christ. I used to say acting like Christ but more and more I realize that acting is not the same thing as living.
What I have been noticing through this whole election and again in the outcome is the massive disconnect of many people who claim Christ and want to live like him and the desire to somehow bring back a time that they thought was better. Having lived through some of those times I just am amazed, and sad, mostly sad. Progressive, Christians are shaking our heads and wondering how our more conservative counterparts can possibly impart to the president elect faith in Christ simply because he scratched their ears on everything from abortion and marriage equality to climate change and a conservative supreme court. Yes my person lost, but to be clear, he wasn't even on the ticket and so I shifted my vote, and that person too lost. I have an opportunity, I can complain and blame and do all the things that this piece seems to do, or I can live like Christ. I can realize that now more than ever the church is going to have to stand in the gap for people, now more than ever we as a group of Christ Followers are going to have to live and move and have our being in the one we claim to follow, we are going to have to take care of the people that for the most part we may have been tolerating or giving cursory attention to, allowing the state to pick up the slack, legislators to pass the rules, non-profits to meet the needs. Now more than ever we as a Church, a church as a whole, conservative and progressive is going to have to be Jesus to the world around us. We may get the chance to use our words, but our actions are really all that will matter.
This isn’t that almost finished post though. You’ve probably already figured that out.
I don’t sleep a lot any more. Life has been handing us a lot to deal with. Everyone knows that. So when I have an excuse not to sleep it makes things better, I can tell myself that I’m not sleeping for a good reason, instead of because of the concern and worry that plagues me. Anyway Tuesday night I was awake because I was concerned about the election. To be clear I didn’t start out that way, and while I didn’t think it was a complete lock, I was pretty sure that the American people had the keys and were heading to the door…then I popped over to the news and saw the map and realized that not only were we on the edge of the rabbit hole, but that darn rabbit was behind us about to give us a push.
My heart sank when they called state after state for Trump. There would be one brief moment when sanity seemed to be prevailing, and then again it started to happen with Trump being given state after state. To make matters worse Republicans retained the Capitol building. Promising that the next four years have the potential to be terrifying. Health care will be rocked, common sense regulation abandoned, and another attempt at trickle down economics, a failed concept over and over and over.
More than anything I couldn’t stomach the fact that a man who in 1992 talked to a 10 year old girl and then told people he would be dating her in 10 years was actually going to be sitting in the Oval Office. I have a 10 year old daughter, in fact I have three daughters, three daughters that have to live in a country that has decided for whatever reason to give a sexual predator the most important desk in the land.
So many of my old evangelical friends have some strange notion that America equals Israel. That our country is in some way a New Testament substitute for the Old Testament Israelites, except that it’s not true, but for arguments sake lets say they are right (for the record they are not!) The conventional godspeak that they use is the idea that God set this whole thing up, and while I don’t believe last nights results took God at all by surprise, (part of that whole omniscience thing) Lets apply a concept from the Children of Israel…They decided that they wanted a king, even though they were not supposed to. They put up a big fuss and told Samuel they wanted a king. Samuel told God, Samuel was frustrated, he understood what was coming, understood what would happen, he could see what was coming even before the whole king thing happened. He was offended for God, and told God so, then God said this…
Several months ago, the religious right anointed Donald Trump as their chosen King. People like James Dobson, and Jerry Falwell Jr. and Franklin Graham have asked for their King, and have encouraged their followers to do the same. Well they have the King they asked for…One only need look at what happened to the Children of Israel when God gave them their king. It wasn’t what they were supposed to have, it wasn’t the best thing for them, but they didn’t much care about that, they wanted what they wanted…
Will the world keep turning? Of course. Will we make it through the next four years? I would like us to, but I’m really not sure. I know that I have friends that are afraid, we minister to Syrian refugee families that are going to be terrified. Joyce has students at school that are worried. But none of that matters right, because we have a guy who promised to repeal healthcare, stand up for the right to own guns, build a wall keeping people out…(do we realize that walls also keep us in?) A guy who consistently disparages entire people groups, looks at women as less than men, and is down with torture, and using nuclear weapons if we need to…
They have their King…
As a person that follows Christ I have this mandate to share the Gospel with people, not some people, not a few people, not people who I understand and am comfortable with, just people. If I get the chance to do so with words that's fine, but more and more I am convinced that the gospel is shared through living like Christ. I used to say acting like Christ but more and more I realize that acting is not the same thing as living.
What I have been noticing through this whole election and again in the outcome is the massive disconnect of many people who claim Christ and want to live like him and the desire to somehow bring back a time that they thought was better. Having lived through some of those times I just am amazed, and sad, mostly sad. Progressive, Christians are shaking our heads and wondering how our more conservative counterparts can possibly impart to the president elect faith in Christ simply because he scratched their ears on everything from abortion and marriage equality to climate change and a conservative supreme court. Yes my person lost, but to be clear, he wasn't even on the ticket and so I shifted my vote, and that person too lost. I have an opportunity, I can complain and blame and do all the things that this piece seems to do, or I can live like Christ. I can realize that now more than ever the church is going to have to stand in the gap for people, now more than ever we as a group of Christ Followers are going to have to live and move and have our being in the one we claim to follow, we are going to have to take care of the people that for the most part we may have been tolerating or giving cursory attention to, allowing the state to pick up the slack, legislators to pass the rules, non-profits to meet the needs. Now more than ever we as a Church, a church as a whole, conservative and progressive is going to have to be Jesus to the world around us. We may get the chance to use our words, but our actions are really all that will matter.
Thursday, October 27, 2016
Grind
It's Thursday, traditionally my day off. I still pretend it is, even though I haven't been able effectively turn off my brain for months. Nights are equally stressful, sometimes I just stare at the ceiling wondering how.
How do I make up the lack of funds at the church, how do I fix that piece of the puzzle, especially when things have begun to turn. There is an air of vitality that comes from the new people, they are into a church that reaches, we are more and more becoming that. I get frustrated because I feel like we are in the middle of a 5 year plan, which is what we had only to find out that we didn't really have 5 years, it was more like three. Offerings are up but not enough, looking at the expenses to cut, it is obvious to take a look at the largest there is and begin cutting there. As the only full time employee the expense that is under the most scrutiny and that is ripe for the trimming is my compensation. It's not pretty, it's not fun, it's not easy, it's just a fact, a fact that keeps me awake at night because right now is not a good time to have that happen with everything that is coming. Surgery and recovery and then more surgery and more recovery, and, and, and.
How do I take care of Joyce when the surgery happens, how do I step away for the weeks that I will need to step away for, making sure she has all she needs? How do I take care of the girls and make sure they have all that they need? How do I explain to the youngest ones what is wrong why things have to be different for a while?
I know all the things that need to be done around the house, I feel like I should be working on those things every spare moment, but I get there and exhaustion jumps out at me, robbing me of the determination to push through and do the things I need to, but somehow I push myself to do it.
So many Sundays when the day is over, all I want to do is go home and do nothing, yet I feel bad when I do because if I had more in the tank I feel like I could do more for and with the girls
So I grind on, like so many others do. Recognizing that I'm being selfish in this post, that others have it worse than I do, that as much as I want to understand and take all the mess away from her. Joyce is so much stronger and better and amazing than I or anyone I know. I watch her deal with the cancer and wonder at how she keeps going, how she gets up the day after chemo and teaches. How she spends time on everyone else, worrying about them, trying to help them, trying to build them up. How she supports me. I feel like I'm not giving her what she needs.
I am jus so tired, and frustrated and scared, and confused.
How do I make up the lack of funds at the church, how do I fix that piece of the puzzle, especially when things have begun to turn. There is an air of vitality that comes from the new people, they are into a church that reaches, we are more and more becoming that. I get frustrated because I feel like we are in the middle of a 5 year plan, which is what we had only to find out that we didn't really have 5 years, it was more like three. Offerings are up but not enough, looking at the expenses to cut, it is obvious to take a look at the largest there is and begin cutting there. As the only full time employee the expense that is under the most scrutiny and that is ripe for the trimming is my compensation. It's not pretty, it's not fun, it's not easy, it's just a fact, a fact that keeps me awake at night because right now is not a good time to have that happen with everything that is coming. Surgery and recovery and then more surgery and more recovery, and, and, and.
How do I take care of Joyce when the surgery happens, how do I step away for the weeks that I will need to step away for, making sure she has all she needs? How do I take care of the girls and make sure they have all that they need? How do I explain to the youngest ones what is wrong why things have to be different for a while?
I know all the things that need to be done around the house, I feel like I should be working on those things every spare moment, but I get there and exhaustion jumps out at me, robbing me of the determination to push through and do the things I need to, but somehow I push myself to do it.
So many Sundays when the day is over, all I want to do is go home and do nothing, yet I feel bad when I do because if I had more in the tank I feel like I could do more for and with the girls
So I grind on, like so many others do. Recognizing that I'm being selfish in this post, that others have it worse than I do, that as much as I want to understand and take all the mess away from her. Joyce is so much stronger and better and amazing than I or anyone I know. I watch her deal with the cancer and wonder at how she keeps going, how she gets up the day after chemo and teaches. How she spends time on everyone else, worrying about them, trying to help them, trying to build them up. How she supports me. I feel like I'm not giving her what she needs.
I am jus so tired, and frustrated and scared, and confused.
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
Labels
Years ago I remember a story about a kid who wanted to do the grocery shopping, It could have been in fact most likely was on one of those kids shows that used to be on the radio. I remember Saturday's riding in the back seat of the car while we went grocery shopping or out to visit kids in my parents Sunday school class or whatever we would do. Anyway the kid in the story was supposed to do the grocery shopping and prepare a meal or something, money in hand she (I remember it being a she) found a cart full of cans that had all the labels torn off. She saved money and got stuff she wanted at the same time. Of course when it came time to make the meal she had all sort of things from the cans that didn't go together. There was some sort of moral involved, you can grab whatever that is on your own. I'm using the memory more as a launching point for my thoughts.
You look at a label and it tells you what is inside...that's how it's supposed to work, except as I have been going over the labels I have lived under over the years I have come to a realization...
A few important definitions:
adjective pro·gres·sive \prə-ˈgre-siv\
The list is actually longer, and includes different types of political leanings, different sects of Christianity, different ideologies that become subsets under these main headlines. Taken in turn it's safe to say that I have lived under each of the labels at different times throughout my life.
Believe it or not, for a brief time at the end of college and for a couple years I would probably have identified as a Evangelical Republican...I would say a soft right winger, but things always bothered me on the right, still do. The problem with these two labels well three actually is at some point they became interchangeable to many in each of those movements. If you were an evangelical Christian you were a republican, only thing you could be. You stood for all sorts of things that the Bible tells you to stand for, except that if you were to dig a bit deeper into the Bible you may find that things that people in power in the popular evangelical movement say are important or things we should be standing for may not necessarily be there.
Then there was that time when I decided I was going to be emergent, except you can't really decide to be emergent, because the moment you label yourself as emergent you are becoming part of what emergent people try to not become.
The whole progressive thing is still sort of around, as is the liberal label I guess, except when it's not. I'm a bit conflicted there but that's okay.
I get frustrated with people who have messed up my labels as well. Names like Dobson, and Franklin, and Jerry have destroyed the evangelical label for me in some ways, they aren't alone either but they seem to be the most vocal. People who look at right wing evangelicals and get frustrated I'm okay with but when those same people begin to get antagonistic and start telling people that they have to be more progressive and ignore heart felt convictions and practice tolerance without being tolerant well that is equally annoying.
The thing that gets me is that on both sides of these issues regular every day people are not the ones that I have issues with. I have found that on both sides regular every day people are very understanding, willing to listen, caring, and not militant in their interactions. It is as always the vocal minority that makes the issues larger than life.
Case in point. I am for gun control. I don't have a problem with the second amendment, I don't mind you owning a gun, however it shouldn't be as simple as strolling down to the nearest Walmart to buy one. Or heading to a gun show to avoid a background check. Now to hear people that make the most noise on both sides you would think that everyone that is for common sense gun control laws wants to march into peoples homes, grab up all the guns and leave, you would also think that anyone that is a member of the NRA and owns a gun wants to own an assault rifle or sub machine gun with armor piercing rounds. Real conversations however yield different results. With several gun owners not only willing to have background checks but for them, and gun control advocates not saying take them all away but use common sense. These voices of reason are drowned out by the louder elements of each side who are alarmist and make their money and points by stoking the fire of partisanism. (Yes I know that's not really a word.)
In issues of faith though, this trend really bothers me. It bothers me that all the flavors of Christianity tend to look at each other with anything from misunderstanding to outright hostility.
Listening to people who claim to follow Christ "hold the line" on things as they watch a world full of individuals they claim to love and have answers for shake their heads and walk away from both sides of Christianity be it conservative or liberal has lead me to a discovery and a statement.
I am not an American Evangelical, Nor am I an American progressive. I am determined though.
No matter where anyone in the Christian faith stands, this is the anchor point, at least it should be. If we are all striving to make this the jumping off point for everything we do I believe that the differences that separate us don't have to alienate us. There will be differences. We will not agree on things, we will see things differently, we will reach out to people differently. That's okay, but if we make this the foundation that we base all our interactions with each other on, we will be able to disagree on things and still find common ground for a common mission, the only common mission we were given. Preaching the gospel. That ultimate act of love, made by the God we serve. The acceptance of which will, by necessity, dismantle the life we know and have so carefully built and guarded and championed, only to be put back together by the One who designed humanity in the first place.
So no I'm not Evangelical, I am trying to follow Christ. No I'm not Progressive, I am trying to follow Christ.
No I am not a Republican...but you already knew that. No I'm not a Dem...wait yes, yes I am...
Thanks for reading.
You look at a label and it tells you what is inside...that's how it's supposed to work, except as I have been going over the labels I have lived under over the years I have come to a realization...
A few important definitions:
evangelical
adjective evan·gel·i·cal \ˌē-ˌvan-ˈje-li-kəl, ˌe-vən-\
: of or relating to a Christian sect or group that stresses the authority of the Bible, the importance of believing that Jesus Christ saved you personally from sin or hell, and the preaching of these beliefs to other people
: having or showing very strong and enthusiastic feelings
conservative
adjective con·ser·va·tive \kən-ˈsər-və-tiv\
: believing in the value of established and traditional practices in politics and society : relating to or supporting political conservatism
Conservative : of or relating to the conservative party in countries like the United Kingdom and Canada
: not liking or accepting changes or new ideas
republican
noun re·pub·li·can \ri-ˈpə-bli-kən\
Republican : a member of the Republican party of the U.S.
: a person who believes in or supports a republican form of government
liberal
adjective lib·er·al \ˈli-b(ə-)rəl\
: believing that government should be active in supporting social and political change : relating to or supporting political liberalism
Liberal : of or belonging to the liberal political party in countries like Canada and the United Kingdom
: not opposed to new ideas or ways of behaving that are not traditional or widely accepted
progressive
adjective pro·gres·sive \prə-ˈgre-siv\
: moving forward
: happening or developing gradually over a period of time
: using or interested in new or modern ideas especially in politics and education
The list is actually longer, and includes different types of political leanings, different sects of Christianity, different ideologies that become subsets under these main headlines. Taken in turn it's safe to say that I have lived under each of the labels at different times throughout my life.
Believe it or not, for a brief time at the end of college and for a couple years I would probably have identified as a Evangelical Republican...I would say a soft right winger, but things always bothered me on the right, still do. The problem with these two labels well three actually is at some point they became interchangeable to many in each of those movements. If you were an evangelical Christian you were a republican, only thing you could be. You stood for all sorts of things that the Bible tells you to stand for, except that if you were to dig a bit deeper into the Bible you may find that things that people in power in the popular evangelical movement say are important or things we should be standing for may not necessarily be there.
Then there was that time when I decided I was going to be emergent, except you can't really decide to be emergent, because the moment you label yourself as emergent you are becoming part of what emergent people try to not become.
The whole progressive thing is still sort of around, as is the liberal label I guess, except when it's not. I'm a bit conflicted there but that's okay.
I get frustrated with people who have messed up my labels as well. Names like Dobson, and Franklin, and Jerry have destroyed the evangelical label for me in some ways, they aren't alone either but they seem to be the most vocal. People who look at right wing evangelicals and get frustrated I'm okay with but when those same people begin to get antagonistic and start telling people that they have to be more progressive and ignore heart felt convictions and practice tolerance without being tolerant well that is equally annoying.
The thing that gets me is that on both sides of these issues regular every day people are not the ones that I have issues with. I have found that on both sides regular every day people are very understanding, willing to listen, caring, and not militant in their interactions. It is as always the vocal minority that makes the issues larger than life.
Case in point. I am for gun control. I don't have a problem with the second amendment, I don't mind you owning a gun, however it shouldn't be as simple as strolling down to the nearest Walmart to buy one. Or heading to a gun show to avoid a background check. Now to hear people that make the most noise on both sides you would think that everyone that is for common sense gun control laws wants to march into peoples homes, grab up all the guns and leave, you would also think that anyone that is a member of the NRA and owns a gun wants to own an assault rifle or sub machine gun with armor piercing rounds. Real conversations however yield different results. With several gun owners not only willing to have background checks but for them, and gun control advocates not saying take them all away but use common sense. These voices of reason are drowned out by the louder elements of each side who are alarmist and make their money and points by stoking the fire of partisanism. (Yes I know that's not really a word.)
In issues of faith though, this trend really bothers me. It bothers me that all the flavors of Christianity tend to look at each other with anything from misunderstanding to outright hostility.
Listening to people who claim to follow Christ "hold the line" on things as they watch a world full of individuals they claim to love and have answers for shake their heads and walk away from both sides of Christianity be it conservative or liberal has lead me to a discovery and a statement.
I am not an American Evangelical, Nor am I an American progressive. I am determined though.
No matter where anyone in the Christian faith stands, this is the anchor point, at least it should be. If we are all striving to make this the jumping off point for everything we do I believe that the differences that separate us don't have to alienate us. There will be differences. We will not agree on things, we will see things differently, we will reach out to people differently. That's okay, but if we make this the foundation that we base all our interactions with each other on, we will be able to disagree on things and still find common ground for a common mission, the only common mission we were given. Preaching the gospel. That ultimate act of love, made by the God we serve. The acceptance of which will, by necessity, dismantle the life we know and have so carefully built and guarded and championed, only to be put back together by the One who designed humanity in the first place.
So no I'm not Evangelical, I am trying to follow Christ. No I'm not Progressive, I am trying to follow Christ.
No I am not a Republican...but you already knew that. No I'm not a Dem...wait yes, yes I am...
Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
Crashing Waves
Friday morning, before taking the girls to school and heading into the church I closed my bedroom door and cried.
It had been a somewhat trying morning getting everyone out the door, but nothing so out of the ordinary that it warranted the tears. The thing is it keeps happening, at any given moment one small thing can push me to the brink and a nudge can send me out of the room to compose myself. The only real way to combat it many times is to go flat, not allowing much in the way of emotion to cross my face, but that concerns people.
I know it's obvious that I am not okay. I appreciate people when they ask how I am, and there was a time when I would have just said, "yep fine," plastered a smile my face and held it all in check. The problem is I've lost that ability it seems, even when I think I'm holding it all together I'm not, people notice and either ask me or follow up to see how I am and while I appreciate it, I hate that it happens because it's just not what I want people to see or remember when they interact with me.
In all the stories of life that I envisioned, the one we are now living is not the one that I expected. I keep looking at what was, and what is and what I think should be and the disconnect is huge. There is so much that has to be done, so many responsibilities, so much that weighs on me. Even typing this I feel guilty for putting me in all these sentences, there are others who have problems, others who's needs are huge, me being upset and overwhelmed and frightened just doesn't really fit. Others need strength, leadership, tenacity, and understanding from me.
Our church is in this time that things are getting better but they are not better enough. Growth is happening, offering is up, austerity is happening all around, God is giving the increase but my faith is getting weaker and weaker in the timing side of it. We are where we belong. I am doing the work I was designed to do but the fight is long, and the issues are hard and...
Our family is fighting what everyone knows we are fighting. The fear and anxiety of possibly losing this fight with cancer never leaves my mind, especially when I hear of others who didn't win. The girls are getting older and with that age comes a host of worries on my part, BRCA genes and family history and the list just goes on.
We own this house in Ohio that is not being taken care of properly, the house payment is paid consistently, it's frustrating to pay for two families to live, especially when one of them seems content to just let everyone take care of them.
I get what the Psalmist is saying here. I ask the question every day, the problem is I don't get many answers.
I fall into bed exhausted only to lay there many nights wondering, praying, trying to hold it together, trying to be what everyone expects of me, trying to be what I expect of me.
I know the Jesus answers to the issues, I understand the promises I have from scripture, the care I have from friends and family. It's all there but it just doesn't help, it's just not enough and telling people that is rude and harsh and just wrong, but here I am telling you because if I don't it just keeps getting bottled up.
I have spent weeks on the phone dealing with insurance companies for J's cancer, as well as for the car that was stolen. I've fixated on getting the car replaced, and I know it is driving J a bit nuts, but I also know that getting the car replaced, has a beginning a middle and an end, all of which are manageable, all of which have a mostly positive assured outcome. A vehicle that will replace the one stolen and allow us to move forward and away from one of the horrors of this past summer, so I press forward with it, making sure to include her even though she isn't into it, because it will be a task that can be completed.
There are so many other tasks that I can't complete, that have no foreseeable end but that I must be diligent about, and so I close the door, to our room, to my office, to the car, to the bathroom, and I cry...
Thanks for reading.
It had been a somewhat trying morning getting everyone out the door, but nothing so out of the ordinary that it warranted the tears. The thing is it keeps happening, at any given moment one small thing can push me to the brink and a nudge can send me out of the room to compose myself. The only real way to combat it many times is to go flat, not allowing much in the way of emotion to cross my face, but that concerns people.
I know it's obvious that I am not okay. I appreciate people when they ask how I am, and there was a time when I would have just said, "yep fine," plastered a smile my face and held it all in check. The problem is I've lost that ability it seems, even when I think I'm holding it all together I'm not, people notice and either ask me or follow up to see how I am and while I appreciate it, I hate that it happens because it's just not what I want people to see or remember when they interact with me.
In all the stories of life that I envisioned, the one we are now living is not the one that I expected. I keep looking at what was, and what is and what I think should be and the disconnect is huge. There is so much that has to be done, so many responsibilities, so much that weighs on me. Even typing this I feel guilty for putting me in all these sentences, there are others who have problems, others who's needs are huge, me being upset and overwhelmed and frightened just doesn't really fit. Others need strength, leadership, tenacity, and understanding from me.
Our church is in this time that things are getting better but they are not better enough. Growth is happening, offering is up, austerity is happening all around, God is giving the increase but my faith is getting weaker and weaker in the timing side of it. We are where we belong. I am doing the work I was designed to do but the fight is long, and the issues are hard and...
Our family is fighting what everyone knows we are fighting. The fear and anxiety of possibly losing this fight with cancer never leaves my mind, especially when I hear of others who didn't win. The girls are getting older and with that age comes a host of worries on my part, BRCA genes and family history and the list just goes on.
We own this house in Ohio that is not being taken care of properly, the house payment is paid consistently, it's frustrating to pay for two families to live, especially when one of them seems content to just let everyone take care of them.
I get what the Psalmist is saying here. I ask the question every day, the problem is I don't get many answers.
I fall into bed exhausted only to lay there many nights wondering, praying, trying to hold it together, trying to be what everyone expects of me, trying to be what I expect of me.
I know the Jesus answers to the issues, I understand the promises I have from scripture, the care I have from friends and family. It's all there but it just doesn't help, it's just not enough and telling people that is rude and harsh and just wrong, but here I am telling you because if I don't it just keeps getting bottled up.
I have spent weeks on the phone dealing with insurance companies for J's cancer, as well as for the car that was stolen. I've fixated on getting the car replaced, and I know it is driving J a bit nuts, but I also know that getting the car replaced, has a beginning a middle and an end, all of which are manageable, all of which have a mostly positive assured outcome. A vehicle that will replace the one stolen and allow us to move forward and away from one of the horrors of this past summer, so I press forward with it, making sure to include her even though she isn't into it, because it will be a task that can be completed.
There are so many other tasks that I can't complete, that have no foreseeable end but that I must be diligent about, and so I close the door, to our room, to my office, to the car, to the bathroom, and I cry...
Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
Dear Fellow White People...
I wanted to write to you all as a fellow white person because apparently, it's easier to listen to another white person than a person that looks different than you.
I have already written about the idea of Black Lives matter and All Lives Matter and whatever other lives matter. I have already talked about the fact that when we say all lives matter we are hiding from the reality of white privilege. I really don't want to rehash all the reasons that I feel the way I do.
I suppose I could or should have titled this post "Dear Fellow White American Christian People," but let's face it, 90% of the white people that I'm writing to are also American Christians so why waste the title space.
On April 19, 1775 a group of 77 armed men stood up to a group of oppressors sent to capture them. These 77 men had set up a shadow government that was training people for armed combat with the authorities of the day. It's safe to assume that no everyone agreed with what these men were doing. It's likely that there were people who didn't understand what the big deal was, who didn't understand why it was so important to make a stand against the authorities. Historically speaking there were actually three sides in the revolutionary war. The Loyalists, The Patriots, and The ones who really didn't care. It was actually a fairly even divide. The loyalists liked things as they were. They were comfortable, predictable, safe. The Patriots looked at what was happening in the world they lived in and realized that things should be better and they acted on it. The no longer respected the Union Jack, no longer agreed with what it stood for, they saw in the intolerable acts (google them, it's pretty much the reason we have a country, to begin with) things that they had to take a stand against...
Somewhere around 591 BC, four guys were taken captive by a king that was systematically taking over the then known world. They weren't the only ones taken into captivity but these four were the most vocal. They started by standing up against the rules for eating, given by the government at the time. Then a few years later when the king made some rules regarding who you were supposed to worship and how they took another stand, literally, when everyone else was on their face on the ground saluting the symbol of the kingdom's power and might, they stood, refusing to bow, refusing to place the king above what they knew was right. Sure they could have just gone along, of course, they could have done what everyone else was doing and no one would have said anything, but they didn't. They stood in the face of not just certain persecution, but likely death because they believed that things had to be different.
July 2013 a man is acquitted of shooting an unarmed teenager who had been walking home with a can if Ice Tea and some Skittles. The man decided that he didn't like the way the kid looked and called 911. Then against the 911 dispatchers, admonishment followed the kid, confronted him and got into an altercation that ended in the teenager's death. This same man would go on to have run in's with the police time and again in the years following and would sell the gun used to kill the kid on e-bay...the #blacklivesmatter movement took off. People noticing that there was a problem with the way some individuals were treated by people in power or authority, began to take a stand against the unfair treatment. Instead of things getting better, though, they seem to be getting worse. On a regular basis people of color are treated differently by people in authority than white people, and while not all officers are bad, it seems that there are more out there that are than we thought.
Before a preseason game against the Green Bay Packers on August 26, 2016, Kaepernick sat down, as opposed to the tradition of standing, during the playing of the U.S. national anthem. During a post-game interview he explained his position stating, "I am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color. To me, this is bigger than football and it would be selfish on my part to look the other way. There are bodies in the street and people getting paid leave and getting away with murder", referencing a series of events that led to the "Black Lives Matter" movement and adding that he would continue to protest until he feels like "[the American flag] represents what it’s supposed to represent”.
How do I put this...you can't have it both ways. That's one of the reasons that we need Black Lives Matter because for years White American Christian People have been fine with standing for their rights, claiming persecution, and making sure everyone realized that the world should look sound and live the way that best suits other White American Christian People. Now when a group of people begins to finally stand up and bring attention to a massive disparity between law enforcement and black people, we get jittery. When athletes use their platform to bring attention to the problem it makes people uncomfortable. We like it when an athlete stands up for Jesus but not when they stand up for justice.
God spoke to humans through this guy named Micah....
Seems pretty simple to me. As people who claim to be followers of Jesus, and who belive that Jesus was fully God and fully man. We should be standing with the #blacklivesmatter movement.
As citizens and patriots of a country that got it's start because they no longer wanted to be treated as less than by others. We should stand shoulder to shoulder with the #blacklivesmatter movement.
I realize that others have been far more eloquent than I have, what bothers me is we seem to have forgotten that this country exists because people were not afraid to fight the status quoe. The Christian faith exists because 3 men refused to pay homage to the symbol of their captivity. We should never cheapen what our fellow human beings are doing because it makes us uncomfortable.
If #blacklivesmatter makes you uncomfortable perhaps you should ask yourself why and adjust accordingly.
Thanks for reading....
Aaron
I have already written about the idea of Black Lives matter and All Lives Matter and whatever other lives matter. I have already talked about the fact that when we say all lives matter we are hiding from the reality of white privilege. I really don't want to rehash all the reasons that I feel the way I do.
I suppose I could or should have titled this post "Dear Fellow White American Christian People," but let's face it, 90% of the white people that I'm writing to are also American Christians so why waste the title space.
On April 19, 1775 a group of 77 armed men stood up to a group of oppressors sent to capture them. These 77 men had set up a shadow government that was training people for armed combat with the authorities of the day. It's safe to assume that no everyone agreed with what these men were doing. It's likely that there were people who didn't understand what the big deal was, who didn't understand why it was so important to make a stand against the authorities. Historically speaking there were actually three sides in the revolutionary war. The Loyalists, The Patriots, and The ones who really didn't care. It was actually a fairly even divide. The loyalists liked things as they were. They were comfortable, predictable, safe. The Patriots looked at what was happening in the world they lived in and realized that things should be better and they acted on it. The no longer respected the Union Jack, no longer agreed with what it stood for, they saw in the intolerable acts (google them, it's pretty much the reason we have a country, to begin with) things that they had to take a stand against...
Somewhere around 591 BC, four guys were taken captive by a king that was systematically taking over the then known world. They weren't the only ones taken into captivity but these four were the most vocal. They started by standing up against the rules for eating, given by the government at the time. Then a few years later when the king made some rules regarding who you were supposed to worship and how they took another stand, literally, when everyone else was on their face on the ground saluting the symbol of the kingdom's power and might, they stood, refusing to bow, refusing to place the king above what they knew was right. Sure they could have just gone along, of course, they could have done what everyone else was doing and no one would have said anything, but they didn't. They stood in the face of not just certain persecution, but likely death because they believed that things had to be different.
July 2013 a man is acquitted of shooting an unarmed teenager who had been walking home with a can if Ice Tea and some Skittles. The man decided that he didn't like the way the kid looked and called 911. Then against the 911 dispatchers, admonishment followed the kid, confronted him and got into an altercation that ended in the teenager's death. This same man would go on to have run in's with the police time and again in the years following and would sell the gun used to kill the kid on e-bay...the #blacklivesmatter movement took off. People noticing that there was a problem with the way some individuals were treated by people in power or authority, began to take a stand against the unfair treatment. Instead of things getting better, though, they seem to be getting worse. On a regular basis people of color are treated differently by people in authority than white people, and while not all officers are bad, it seems that there are more out there that are than we thought.
Before a preseason game against the Green Bay Packers on August 26, 2016, Kaepernick sat down, as opposed to the tradition of standing, during the playing of the U.S. national anthem. During a post-game interview he explained his position stating, "I am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color. To me, this is bigger than football and it would be selfish on my part to look the other way. There are bodies in the street and people getting paid leave and getting away with murder", referencing a series of events that led to the "Black Lives Matter" movement and adding that he would continue to protest until he feels like "[the American flag] represents what it’s supposed to represent”.
How do I put this...you can't have it both ways. That's one of the reasons that we need Black Lives Matter because for years White American Christian People have been fine with standing for their rights, claiming persecution, and making sure everyone realized that the world should look sound and live the way that best suits other White American Christian People. Now when a group of people begins to finally stand up and bring attention to a massive disparity between law enforcement and black people, we get jittery. When athletes use their platform to bring attention to the problem it makes people uncomfortable. We like it when an athlete stands up for Jesus but not when they stand up for justice.
God spoke to humans through this guy named Micah....
Seems pretty simple to me. As people who claim to be followers of Jesus, and who belive that Jesus was fully God and fully man. We should be standing with the #blacklivesmatter movement.
As citizens and patriots of a country that got it's start because they no longer wanted to be treated as less than by others. We should stand shoulder to shoulder with the #blacklivesmatter movement.
I realize that others have been far more eloquent than I have, what bothers me is we seem to have forgotten that this country exists because people were not afraid to fight the status quoe. The Christian faith exists because 3 men refused to pay homage to the symbol of their captivity. We should never cheapen what our fellow human beings are doing because it makes us uncomfortable.
If #blacklivesmatter makes you uncomfortable perhaps you should ask yourself why and adjust accordingly.
Thanks for reading....
Aaron
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Until I Wasn't
I've been writing some different things lately. This one has been kicking around in my head the last few days so I decided to go ahead ...
