The Problem with Daughters and Wives

Honey, Daddy, Father, Dad, Baby, Aaron, even A on occasion and sometimes, when I have seriously pushed the most important person in my life's buttons, Arugghhhh Newell, I know this last one becasue when Amberly pushes those buttons it's ARRUGHHH Little Newell.  These are the names I have been known by some of them for eight years, others for 17.   I am one of those guys that's blessed with a family that loves him and with a wife he doesn't deserve.  I know a lot of people say that but I don't just say it I embody it.  My family has followed me all over the eastern and central part of the United states in pursuit of not just a career but a calling.  They have lived with my successes and failures, I've had both as all of us do.  They have put up with my fear, my bitterness, my angst, my anger, my wandering, my stupidity, my happy times and my sad.  They are the most important people in my life and I am extremely blessed to have them.

You may think that the last paragraph would mean I couldn't possibly have an issue or find a spot for criticism of the women in my life, ah if only this were true.  I have been beset upon by quite the emotional phenomena, particularly in the past eight years.  I am proudly a member of the sarcastic club of America, I'm cynical, caustic, and even cutting sometimes with my humor.  I have always been this way, at least as long as I can remember.  I'm the guy that used to pray for tears every once in a while just to remember that I had tear ducts and that I wasn't all dry inside.  Interesting thig is that the prayer was usually answered and I was able to shed a tear and feel that unmistakable release that comes from tears.  I had in fact gotten used to that being how I cry, sort of a request to God that would prove to me that I was a soft hearted nice guy.  I liked that actually. Spoke to what I always wanted to be a man who could keep himself in check and everyone knew they could count on and that he had it together.

It's very hard for me to believe that we are where we are right now.  I am looking at the months of December and January with trepidation for obvious reasons.  Most of the people who are reading the blog started reading a little over 10 months ago and will understand why I make that statement, and no I'm not going to revisit those posts or give you the run down, if you're that interested go on ahead and read them for yourself.  What I am going to do is explain the Title.

Sunday afternoon the Newell's decided it would be fun to watch a movie and eat together.  Entertainment of choice... WallE.  Yes that's right a movie about robots and fat people.  I confess to enjoying the premise even if robot love seems like some twisted concept from a bad letter to the editor. (use your imagination)  As the movie came to it's inevitable WallE and EVE save the world conclusion, complete with EVE realizing how much she "Loved" WallE moment and her having to fix him and then try and bring back his memory I stood up went to the TV and prepared to shut things down.  J was about to make a comment when she came to the realization that the deep breaths and throat clears were attached to something more than allergies.  She did her best to suppress a laugh and said "are you really?"  I took off upstairs with some excuse about needing to do something or other just to get away from the situation.

This is of course not a new ground breaking thing that was happening.  The other day as I was heading home from work listening to Harry Potter on my Ipod, Dobby the house elf died.  If you didn't read the books and are waiting for the movie, well sorry to ruin that bit of the plot for you,  I did it again, started to get that feeling behind my eyes and had to clear my throat and wipe at them.

Here I am a normally stoic individual, love zombie movies, Halloween and scaring my kids.  I like to play Halo and Left 4 Dead.  Reading King, Lovecraft, and others is very enjoyable to me.  Laugh at things that most would find disconcerting, love a good horror flick and want to go to Burketsville and camp in the woods just because it seems like a cool place to go and a neat thing to do, crying at a Kids movie or the death of a freakin house elf, really thats what it takes now.

That's the problem with daughters and wives.  They ruin the crusty shell and make the gooey center come out more than you want it too. They make you realize that your not all that hard.  They wake up emotions and feelings that most would rather not have awake, and they do it with a smile, or a look, or a word.  They do it by being in the hospital, or by telling you they dont need you, they can do it by themself, they do it by wearing their headphones while they do their homework, or by getting into the car by themself, or by looking up at you as you hug them and setting their head against your chest and telling you that your their favorite person even with all your faults and problems.  They do it and many times they don't know they are doing it, because for some reason I just can't tell them that they are ruining me.

The real problem with my daughters and wife is that they love me.  I'm privileged to get to love them back.

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A horse named Charlie, a Man name Alice, and a Boy named Aaron.

Greetings dear readers, I must apologize for my LONG absence.  I have started several different posts, I've logged into Wordpress and just stared at the blank page, attempting to will some words onto the screen.  I've had things to say but just couldn't seem to make them make sense.  I'm still not sure I can, however I'm hoping that this will break the dam that has been keeping the words fuzzy. Anyway on to my title. I recently celebrated a birthday that took me three years away from 40.  This is not one of the easiest things to deal with but hey you live with it, it happens to everyone.

So why the strange title.  My age is starting to show and as much as I want to deny it well it's just not true,  I am getting older, I won't say I'm getting old, but older works for me.  What are the road signs you ask?  Here they go in order of appearance.

A horse named Charlie:  A couple nights ago I was woken from a dead sleep as was J with a wrenching pain in my leg.  I never really understood why people would complain so much about this phenomenon, and if you have never experienced it, well just be glad.  I came up off the bed into a sitting position, and while I won't admit to screaming like a little girl I will admit to a deep manly scream the likes of which would make one wonder what was wrong with me.  I would like the horse named Charlie to know he can stay in his stall or roam in other pastures or do anything but invite me for another ride.  However if I am to understand correctly this is not a promise said horse can make me, and as I get older it is very likely that he will once again invite me for a trot around the bedroom.

A man named Alice:



Sunday afternoon/evening I was able to head over the Merrieweather Post Pavilion for a concert that had among others, Alice cooper.  Great show, I love his music, and the theatrics that he puts on just are really cool.  I had a great time sang along, pumped my fist in the air, jumped around a little, basically acting like I was 17 years younger than I really am.  What made me realize my age however was the median age of people going to hear him.  Most of the people that were there for his portion of the concert had hair that was getting gray and bodies that were sliding down the slope toward, well the best way to explain it would be comfortable.  Even worse was the realization that if I didn't shave my head on a regular basis I would either look older than I am due to a definite lightening of the hair, that is if I still had much of my own since when it does start to grow out I realize how little of it I would have left.  I decided a while ago that when my hair got to a certain point I would just shave it off and be the master of my own hair destiny.  Surprisingly I have a head that looks okay bald.

A boy named Aaron goes along with the man named Alice part of the story.  Track with me here for a moment, not wanting to go to the concert alone, J is not into cooper or zombie, I took a guy she teaches with and yes ironic as it seems his name is Aaron.  Age realization hit when he got in the car and we started listening to music and talking, then when we were at the concert it just continued.  No real clue about Alice, when the midget wrestlers came on he wanted to be right up on the apron of the ring, basically it was just really hard to believe this kid, who is 13  years  younger than me had no idea about some things.  I am really into music and I came to the realization that I was old when it bothered me that he didn't know the name to a Zombie song he "loved"  Aaron FYI it's DRAGULA not DRACULA.

The next day was even worse, everything sounded like it was being filtered through a bunch of cotton, and I couldn't talk.  Jumping around screaming my head off at 37 is much different from jumping around and screaming my head off at 18 or 20.  Did I have a good time yes, would I do it again yes, however I may end up not singing along as loud or as much.

The thing is I don't really feel old, and I don't necessarily think I am, for the most part.  It's just when I hang out with and do things that are supposed to be done by much younger people that I feel out of sync.

I have no idea what this actually means,  I will try and figure it out and let you know, once I know.

I have been living life and remembering and going through the past for a long time now.  I try and get away from it but it always sneaks up on me, like some bad horror movie monster.  I love scary movies and usually laugh at them,  I'm trying to do that now, it's funny though I'm just like the stupid girl in the nightgown that hears a noise in the basement and goes down to investigate without turning on any lights.  I fall for the monsters tricks far to often and end up bleeding emotions on the floor of my mind.  Do me a favor, if you are into it, and if you have the ability to keep me in your thoughts and prayers.  I know that there is something out there for me, something that God wants me to do.  I know what I am, what I was made to be, I just don't always see how to get there.  As the Horse and the Man and the Boy go back and forth in my life I wonder if there really is a place for an old guy that just wants to serve and pour into a group that needs loved and built up and taught how not just to be followers, but how to be relevant followers.

Titan, Estrella, Daylight (Brave St Saturn)

Behind what I know and see
A darkness that will spy on me
Eclipsed in this trajectory
A cancer that is eating me

Destroy
Divide
The dark
Inside

In between the molecules is cold
No light for shaking fingers to ever have their hold
And I'm afraid I'll never see the light
The blind are following in sightless plight

Titans looming over me
Giants that are crushing me

As I drive and listen and work and write and remember.  I flip between songs on my ipod.  I have two go to bands, both of which have the same lead.  The first is Five Iron Frenzy, I was really sad when they played their last show, was really glad I was able to hear them one year at Alive.  I try and listen to them but there are times that I get a little sad, no thats not right, it's more of a nostalgic happy/meloncholy/sorta semi depressing thing.  Anyway I still love Five Iron, and if i'm in good spirits I will listen to some of their stuff and just really enjoy it.  I also love a band called Brave Saint Saturn.  Same lead singer and the above lyrics are from the song Titan.  As I was listening to them this morning heading in to work and as I listen to them while I write this and update case notes, I am struck by how much their music speaks to and informs my life .  These songs that I have in my Title are full of things that just fit with who I am, and who I have been,  who I would love to be again.   Titan is what I started the post with, the thing is it can't end there, I can't believe that it does end there, moving into Estrella we hear about a faith that I too wonder if it's possible to have, perhaps the most important song to my life, the song I come back to over and over again,  the song that brings tears to my eyes when I listen to it, the one that I just play over and over and over is called Daylight.

Jesus Christ, Light of the World
You never did forget me
and when i bled in darkness, You held
me
still held me
when desparate nights i cursed You
You loved me, still loved me
Jesus Christ, You dry the tears
You break my heart of stone
Your words are life
cut marrow through
the darkness, to the bone
a heart of flesh You gave me
only You can save me


The question is always the same though,  am I ready for that, can I handle that, do I want to be saved?

Drive Time Blues

I know, I know, I'm not writing as often as I should.  I mean to, I think of things that need to be written, I plan on it but then I just dont. 

Anyway.  I am on the road for at least two hours sometimes more every day going to and from work, not that big of a deal, at least not as big a deal for Aaron from 4 years ago, I used to love it music playing quiet time, just like mowing the grass used to love doing that as well.  Used to, so much is wrapped up in used to's for me.  I used to like going to church, I used to feel usefull to God, I used to look forward to seeing other Christians or talking to them, I used to feel connected to someting more important and special.  The problem is the drive time seems to put me in remember mode, and lately that's been difficult.  I dont understand why, I dont understand how I can't remember things that were fun just snippets of them but things that were aweful and put our lives on a path that was so very not what I ever wanted it to be, but wow I can remember in detail the cruddy parts of life.  It amazes me how the human psyche tends to hang on a certain part of life and even when moving on into new endeavors and making new connections and memories the old ones pop up and make you miss people and places and things. 

I have spent that past week driving home trying to drown out aspects of the past few years, places I've been, people I have loved, jobs I have lost.  The time I used to relish for the chances it gave me to listen to music and be creative and imaginate has turned into my own private corner of hell, complete with tormenting demons that keep saying we told you so and no one will ever see you as what you once were. 

Well it's that time again.  We will see what today's drive brings, perhaps it will just be the funny lady next to me that was knitting at the red light, or even the poor shmuck that tried to drive in the HOV lane all by his lonesome in the car and noticed the cop before he went too far and tried to shoot back over to my lane, only to be stopped again.

Political Christianity

Thought I would post some thoughts about a debate I wanted to start.  I miss some of that aspect of what I used to be.  What follows is my response to a query on my facebook page that I had as my status.   I post it here because I realize that some of the individuals that read here are no longer on Facebook,  they didn't make it through the great purge,  no offence meant just in a cleaning mood.  here is the thread so far with name change to protect the other party.

Pellula:   How ironic that in most countries where Christians want to build churches, they're either persecuted and/or killed for the very thought of being a Christian and we can do nothing. Yet, a radical Muslim can come in our country, kill thousands of people and be allowed to build a mosque where it happened. Where are our rights???

Aaron: The thing that bothers me Pellula is that when Christians in other countries are persecuted their faith gets stronger, and you are correct we can do nothing in a country that has outlawed any faith but the ones that the state deems acceptable, ...having said that, the first ammendment cuts both ways and Christians don't like that. "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

We like to say that our country is a Christian country, people point to the pledge of Alegience as proof, I wonder if they realize that Under God was not in the origianl but that it was added in 1954 as were other words and phrases at different times.

Christianity has it's own radical fringe just as those of the Muslim faith do. Westboro Baptist church, The KKK, Various militias. Many of these organizations claim Christianity as a base.

Our rights are right here in our country that is made up of various peoples and religions. We can't pick and choose who gets freedom of religion and who doesn't, would people have the same issue with Westboro Baptist buiding a new sanctuary across the street from where Matthew Shepherd was Murderd.

Having said all of that I also feel that it is important for Religious groups, all religous groups to think before they do someting. If there is concern over this by victims familes, not by politicians, not by pastors, but by people who lost loved ones that day, they should be willing to listen and change their plans.

Thats me in the corner...

One of the hardest parts of sitting in a church service is... well the whole thing.   It all sounds good and the realization that I was once the guy that was leading, and teaching, and praying, an doing all the church things.  I feel like that was a whole other world, that person was different, he was excited and inovative and worked hard at God and church and all of it.  I want my life back.  There is one problem with this thought process. I am in my life and it is what it is.

Gee Scoob

Having spent the bulk of my life in one form of ministry or another has served to make the way I feel all the more troubling to me.  See God has always been a mystery to me, and yes I know thats the way it is supposed to be, I understand that, the thing is latley I have been feeling more and more like packing the gang into the Mystery Machine and calling it a day when it comes to figuring this one out.  Each week has offered new challenges, new trials, new tests, new shake my head and say what's the point moments.  I think what makes it worse is I know all the answers that should work.  I know all the words that should make sense, I know all the things that I would say if I was counseling someone in the Church that I work for... oh wait that's right I dont work in churches any more...  I'm understand and accept where I am when it comes to carrer, mistakes are easily forgiven and all that from the pulpit, not so much in reality.  I always have said that you live with the consequences of your actions but God doesn't hold them against you.  I can accept that.

What I'm having difficluty in accepting is why the rest of my family has to go through Hell and back.  What is the point.  I read about how the testing of our faith works patience.  I read about not having more than we can handle, I read about counting it joy.  I read these things and I can intellecually reason out that they make sense.  I can even or have even sat across from someone in my office going through some terrible thing and spouted them as gospel fact, as if those words would bring comfort.  They don't I realize that now, and to all those that are reading this and have heard me say some trite religous plattitude I am sorry.

I'm not trying to be all angsty, and yes I know thats not a word, I am trying to figure out my place in a world that is slowly losing it's draw for me.  I have been looking at church for a long time and at my own faith for a while and they don't match. 

I have talked about, preached about taught about not just going through the motions when it comes to faith, and find myself doing just that.  I have prayed for people to have their eyes opened and that they would be able to see God in their circumstance or that God would give them peace and comfort and the knowledge that even though it's bad He's still there.  I have heard "if God brings you to it He will bring you through it"  and I wonder why God would bring people to some of the places He does.  I read about the rain falling on the just and the unjust alike, about how some are blessed and some are not. 

So many sayings so many plattitudes very little real comfort, very little promise.  J asked Amberly if she wanted to go to Church Sunday she said no, I understood.  How do you sit in a churc service listening to people talk about how great God is when you are not feeling so great about Him? 

I am so impressed with my wife's faith, her ability to say that we can really empthize with people, the desire to still read and pray.  I go through the motions, reading and praying because it's what I should do, and if all the stuff that I taught is true, if all the things that I belived is so then there is little point to doing something like that because you are supposed to.  Sure it helps develop the habit, and reading and praying is a great habit, but without real and true beliefe that it makes a difference in the grand scheme of things what's the point. 

At the end of every episode the gang pulls a big rubber mask off of the monster and all that is left is a angry bitter man who says they would have gotten away with it to if it wasn't for those medlsome kids.  I wonder sometimes if I pull the mask off what I'll find, who I'll find... what the excuse will be.