UGGGGGG

Today marks one of those days that even when I think I have gotten things right, even when I wait for proofing, even when I painstakingly work side by side with an editor to be sure things are right.  I still screw it up, the worst part is when I go back and read over and recheck , I don’t see the errors that others have seen. 

So ready to give up on the whole thing.  I get frustrated at myself and at others, I fee like no matter how much quality control I put in, how much I try to give writing perfection to a group of people who I am told have been offended by previous type o’s nothing really works, I always am told it’s just not good enough.

So yes UGGGGG.  It’s enough to make a person want to just walk away from the whole mess.

Childish Curiosity

VBS the three letter word that so many parishioners dread, mainly because when a church VBS starts up it’s almost a given that they are going to be asked to volunteer three to five days out of their lives in an effort to reach out to a large group of kids.  There is of course the potential to reach their families as well, especially  if the church opens the VBS to people outside of the church. 

This year I was asked by the coordinator of VBS to be in charge of the stories, of course when I agreed to this I didn’t think I was going to be hobbling around after foot surgery, but hey not much can be done for that. 

Yesterday was a very  interesting day.  Kids can ask some of the most interesting questions.  Our first and second grade class had a great question.  Mr. A (that’s what they call me) How can Jesus be in every ones heart at the same time?  I asked the students to take a few deep breaths.  I then asked them what they were doing when they did so.  “Breathing,” “and what were you breathing?”  “Air”  I went on to ask if there was enough air for everyone to which they replied yes. Jesus is like that air there’s enough of him for everyone. 

Crisis averted the last class of the day came in our third, fourth, and fifth graders.  We finished up the story of when John baptizes Jesus, I mentioned that we didn’t hear much more from John after this until he asks if Jesus is the Messiah while in prison.  The end of his prison term came with his death.  I wasn’t going to mention the the whole beheading thing, but one of the kids asked what happened.  I had just told a story and figured they would rather do something else, the kids asked me to tell them the story anyway.

I love the curiosity that these student’s have shown.  The desire to know more about God and the willingness to just ask the questions that many adults may consider silly.  Sad really.  More and more I am realizing that we are supposed to come to God like a child, because children ask questions without really worrying about what it may sound like or look like or how it may make them look.  This phenomena doesn’t last very long.  Already Amberly is starting to censure herself,  preferring to think about how a question will make her appear or seem. 

I wish I could stop time and keep her right here, in the sweet spot where daddy is still cool.  I see it changing every day, I watch her out of the corner of my eye giving me the same look that I gave my parents when I realized that they didn’t know it all, that they weren’t super people, that they were human.  I remember when I thought my dad was the coolest thing in the world.  I remember when I realized he wasn’t and now all these years later, I understand how much it hurts. 

The importance of change

There are a few things that are constants in my life. My family, my love of pizza, and my calling. These things do not change in their importance to my life. My family will always be the most important thing in the world to me, Pizza will always be my favorite food, and my calling will not leave, even if I would like it to.

I am a man stuck in a world it seems that gives lip service to change but gives practice to something else.
Making hard decisions is not something that people like to do but sometimes these things must be done.

I have been growing increasingly impatient with the speed at which things get done, or get changed, the desire to see things move in a new direction and the apparent lack of understanding when it comes to the time needed to make things happen.

Hours are needed to make things work, to make things be what they need to be, at the same time hours are not really given. How do you not spend time on an integral part of communication. My confusion seems to mount.

The point of Lego Christianity is being open to God’s rebuilding process no matter what is required, and yet there are times that I want him to put a different part in place instead of the one that is there.

I suppose as this is a place for me to vent my frustrations and concerns it can also be a place for requests for prayer from those that read this and do so.

More to come as the weeks wear on.

Frustration

Greetings dear reader, I realize it's been a while and well thats just how it is.

Today's title should say it all,  I am getting very frustrated.  Time for yet another one on one meeting.  I never thought it would be this difficult.

 

The Gunslinger

Recently I have begun reading the Gunslinger by Stephen King.  I have started this novel several times in the course of my 38 years and for whatever reason every time I get side tracked.  The thing is it's a great story, well written I like the characters, as usual King keeps me entertained and tapping, I no longer really turn pages, I just never have finished the story.  

The last time I started these books was three years ago about this time, actually I was listening to them as audio books.  The story had me riveted but things happened and I had to put a marker in the story for a while.  When I was able to get back to it I realized that I didn't really remember enough, nor did I want to start all over again.  Then I just lost interest for a while, or decided I didn't want to visit the events surrounding the beginning of that aural odyssey. 

Now I've come back to Gilead again and I'm realizing a few things.  Roland has such a dedication and purpose abut him in the first book.  He is constantly moving forward, chasing after the bad guy, not letting anything or anyone stand in the way of his purpose.  As I read this I realize that while there are times this can be desired and even commended, there are also times that this can be a bad thing.  

Dedication is important, especially when it comes to what we were made to be.  Calling is an integral part of not just contentment but happiness, and everyone is called to something.  I believe everyone is made for a purpose that is only their purpose and no one else's, or maybe I just want to believe that because it makes life so much more fulfilling and meaningful.  The point is that going after these things, realizing our calling, following our hearts and minds to the place that will make us content and happy is an important part of life.  I think we all need to have that sense of direction, without it we just wander aimlessly which can and will end badly.  Still there is a point that this has to be set aside, and it's more than a balance issue, or even a mandate for rest.  

I believe there are times we need to actively set aside what we are, who we are and even what we were called to.  I don't mean that we forget our calling, I don't mean that we run away from it.  What I do mean is that we count the cost and realize that stepping away from something and letting it rest for a while makes it all the better, all the sweeter and all the more important when we return to it.  

I like to make bread, and by all accounts I'm pretty good at it.  I have learned a few things about it though.  I can rush a loaf of bread and get okay results.  Less kneading, not as much raise time, or only let it raise once.  When I do this it's still okay, people still like it, but when I'm patient, when I set it aside, when I actively leave it alone for the time I should, the result is even better. 

I believe it's the same way with life.  When I leave something for a time, and evaluate, and pray, and live life with my family. When I step away for a bit the return many times leads to new ideas and insights into who I am and what I am and what God has designed for me.

I almost think it should be mandatory at some point in everyones life that they take a step back take a break from their vocation and find out what the next step truly is.

 

What I'm learning

What I'm learning in the months and years that go by is how little I really know.  This should come as no surprise to anyone, and it really doesn't surprise me.  It's just becoming more and more pronounced as the days, weeks, and yes years go by.  I am so often forced to ask where time has gone. 

Memories are things that I have eluded to countless times in the blog, and they are for the most part so very real, fresh and vibrant to me.  They come in dreams, or in the early hours before anyone else stirs.  They come late at night when everyone in the house has fallen asleep and I'm left staring at the wall or ceiling, they come during my morning routine, or when I'm reading and talking to God.  I have decided to not call it prayer for the simple reason that many times prayer to me seems a self serving act.  To unburden myself of weighty matters, and then to make requests, threats and demands.  Talking to God at least to me seems a different proposition all together.  If done right talking to someone has give and take, and while I've never really heard God audibly speak to me, and quite frankly as I'm learning more and more about myself I don't think I want to, I at least like the idea that I'm doing more than just filling up the space between here and heaven with words.  

Anyway back to the idea of these memories, some are good some are bad, some bring joy many bring sadness, or self disappointment, or fill in the angsty word you may have.  I think memories are there to teach us, I think they are there to sustain us,  I think they are there to warn us. I know that they are not supposed to be a crutch or excuse.  That's the thing about memories, each and every memory is the result of a choice, and just as those choices can be good or bad so are the memories attached to them.  

Memories are teaching me a lot these days, and while it's hard to articulate exactly what those things are, it's equally difficult to just ignore what is happening. 

This all came to a head this morning sometime between 3:45 and 4:15, Jocelyn was awake again and J asked if I could try.  I picked up my daughter and started to pat her back speak softly in her ear and just hold her close, I then moved to the chair that we have and pushed it back into a semi reclined position.  It took about ten minutes but soon she was fast asleep on my chest, fully comforted by the fact that Daddy had her.  I dozed off and on, waking to help her reposition and soothe her back to sleep.  Around 6 AM  I gave up on sleep entirely and just looked at my daughter, and wept.  Not blubbering tears, not hard to breathe hiccuping as can happen when you're totally wrung out, in fact there was not a tear on my cheek.  I wept inside, because as we all know I don't deserve what I have, none of us who are parents do.  The pain and misery of years past much of which my choices have caused means I don't get to have this life any more, at least it should.  I have a beautiful family, I have a wife who loves me, for me in spite of and including my faults,  I have three little girls who look at daddy, for now at least, as the coolest guy in the world, who try their best to impress me, who draw me pictures and say hey dad look.  I have so much and deserve so little.  

It comes down to this,  what I'm learning is grace, the only problem is I'm not learning it from the places your supposed to learn it from, nor from the places that I wanted to have teaching me.  I'm learning it at 6AM in the chair holding my youngest, weeping over all that I have lost because of my own anger, bitterness, resentment and desire for others to get what they deserve.  Because as I sat there this morning I recognized that I haven't gotten what I deserve at all, not by a long shot,  I have gotten so much more.  

Memories have taught me, or is it something better, is it God finally getting through to my thick skull.  No he hasn't sat down next to me and started talking in some Bruce Almighty moment, or has he.  Has he been through my memories, and my family, and my friends, and yes even my enemies?  

As the morning wore on I put Jocelyn back in her crib and went through the morning routine, and when I looked in the mirror after the shower I saw a much older guy than I remembered being there, and for the first time in a long time that was okay.  

Would I change things in my past?  Of course, we all would, but I wouldn't want to lose the things that I have learned.  I wouldn't want to miss out on the people who were part of my life some for a day and some for a lifetime, no matter who they are.

Grace, who knew it would be more important to me than all those fundamental truths that I crammed into my brain.  

 

 

What's Next

Easter is over as is the Newell Family vacation, and I must say while there were things that were greatly enjoyed, I am glad it's over.  I always wondered why people would say that they needed a vacation from their vacation, but that is how it is.  I actually find being in my office a welcome break. 

A lot has happened in the past few weeks and months in the Newell house.  One of J's colleagues at work stated that our life should be a TV show with all the things that have happened, just in the past four years or so, and while I completely agree, I also have to say that those things  have made us different people, I hope and pray they have not just made us different, but also that they have made us better, or I should say they have made me better.  The person I have become is infinitely more suited to life and work and ministry than the person I was.  I often times wonder why it is that it takes years to learn things that would have helped out at the beginning of things. more than that I wonder why I learn the hard way, even when I tell others it is so much better to learn the easy way or the first time. 

It is very good to be home though, and even better to be sitting at my desk writing and working on plans for our Spring outreach.  Going Green is our theme, the plan is to find people in our congregation who would like to plant and weed and get their grounds in shape for the summer and fall season but are unable to.  If they will supply the material we will take our tweens in and do the work.  Which brings me to this other point or thing that is going on right now. 

I am in the middle of reading a book by an agnostic who decided he wanted to see what it would be like to take a year of his life and live Biblically, not just abide by the moral laws, not just pick and choose like so many of us do, but actually live an entire year following the Bible exactly, or as exactly as is humanly and legally possible in today's world, it may be hard to stone someone or cut off some ones hand in our country if they steal, and I'm fairly certain he didn't dig his eye out when he caught himself looking at that Victorias Secret model a bit longer than was necessary, anyway you get the idea, and while I don't think it's an experiment I'm going to sign up for any time soon, there is something to be said for living more of what I profess. 

For a long time now I have been more and more convinced that Evangelical Christianity has lost touch with the world, sometimes going so far as to condone such actions by using scripture out of context to assuage their guilt. I am increasingly convinced that Jesus was much more left leaning than Evangelicals care to admit.  Socially at least I'm sure this is the case.  Which brings us to what we are doing,  literal planting in the hopes that some figurative, spiritual planting can take place.  In addition to working with our church family, I am laying the ground work to partner with Habitat for Humanity they have a great Junior Build program. 

One of the most refreshing things about being in a Methodist Church is the ability and encouragement to get involved with already begun initiatives in the community, not having to recreate things that have the churches stamp of we made this on them.  We can reach into our community and help people, be salt and light through channels that are already set up.  I'm not saying that other churches we have been at would have not allowed this, but I do feel that this was not the most desired way to do things,  It seems to me that churches prefer to be more homogenous than they do collaborative, even after giving lip speak to the idea of helping. 

Anyway the next step would seem to be actually finding out what it would take to become full fledged Methodist.  I have put feelers out but I really feel that it's important to make the connection, and really identify with the body that I am now working in.  If I really am a Pastor, which it seems to be I am,  If I am called and if God has not let that calling go away even when asked for it to, which He hasn't well it may be time to take the proverbial plunge. 

Cross your fingers for me.  I know I am.

Powered by Qumana