Wading into the mess

Imagine being a 12 year old kid, or a 15 year old kid.

I remember when I was that age.  We were told if you get lost find a police officer, they will help you.  It was easy.. and I mean we were white so of course that made sense.

Contrast that with what black people face, constant suspicion, racial profiling, the list goes on.

I guess I'm sick of right wing religious people getting angry at someone exercising their right to protest just like they exercise theirs.

It bothers me that the same people that defended one football player for their bowing, now ostracize another for his stand. It's okay for one person to stand up for what they belive in or in Tebow's case to take a knee for what he believed in, but it's wrong for Kaepernick to do the same thing.

Calling attention to religious freedom is great, calling attention to racial oppression and inequality is wrong.

As Christ followers we should be better than this, so why aren't we?  As Christ followers we should be taking a knee with him, and when we hit that knee we should pray.  Pray for a nation that has never been more divided.  Pray that some of the angry old white racists would have to crawl back under the rock they have so happily jumped out from under given the fact that they now have a champion in the highest seat of power in our land.

We ask What Would Jesus Do.  I belive he would kneel next to Colin if for no other reason than what we read in Micah 6:8

 Go to any given game and watch what happens during the national anthem.  Tell me that the vast majority of people are respecting the flag and all that, and then I may understand and say sure it isn't a time for politics, except it is a time for it.  It's the perfect time for it.  It may not seem like much but this one man has brought light to a very real and terrifying issue for people of color, that he also has been the subject of so many late night or early morning tweets is so un-nerving to me, for no other reason but there are more pressing matters that 1600 should be dealing with, football games and the NFL is not one of them.

If my feet didn't need a different shoe for running because of a myriad of issues I would be purchasing Nike running shoes.  As it is I plan on dusting off the old Nike ball cap I have and wearing it proudly.  And before my friends on the religious right get up in arms, two words.  HOBBY LOBBY, I mean there are more I could say but those two should make every Christian stop in their tracks for bashing Nike for taking a stand for something they belive in, even if you don't agree with it.

I guess what I'm saying is this.  Until black boys and men don't have to be afraid for their lives because of the color of their skin, then every person of faith should be standing with, or in this case kneeling with people like Colin.  Kneeling in protest and kneeling in prayer.

All lives matter sure, but when have white lives not mattered in the last 200 years?  Take stock because the bottom line is until Black Lives really matter to everyone, especially white religious folk who claim Christianity, then the movement needs to continue it needs to grow, and we as Christ Followers need to support it.

#kneelingwithnike

Is it worth it?

Christ follower I want to ask a very simple question. Is it worth it.

I don't do nearly as much as I used to on Facebook, ditto with Twitter, and Instagram.  Something happened, I began to see these social media platforms more as a tool than an opportunity.  I post little to my personal Facebook, and on the occasions that I do post or comment I find myself getting frustrated, if I'm alone sometimes yelling at the screen, and if I'm not alone I find myself pounding the keys of my keyboard.

So I ask my fellow Christ Followers, is it worth it.

Is it worth it to guilt people into liking and sharing a post by co-opting God or prayer?

Is it worth it to let your integrity take a hit by giving people with little to no morality a pass because that person happens to be the same political party that you are?

Is it worth it to score points with your church friends by endorsing something that you're not sure of?

Is it worth it, ranting and raving about Guns, or God, or Education, or The Left or The Right?

Is that one comment that you want to make about someone on the other side of the isle, other side of the pew, other side of belief worth it?

The more I see on Facebook the more I want to grab a good chunk of the Christians on there and shake them a bit.  Weather a person likes and shares your post demanding that they do so or they don't love God, believe in prayer, or has no faith is a lie.   God doesn't stare at His iPhone all day watching his likes and counting how many friends he has.  If a fellow Christ Follower doesn't agree with your political leanings it doesn't mean that they are going to hell, and as hard as this is to swallow for most of us if they think that guns should be controlled, welfare matters, and it's a good thing that people have choices and can live out those choices free from the churches cotroll does not mean Jesus loves them less.

The more I see these kinds of posts.  Lambasting people who are different insisting that science isn't real, telling people that they have to like and share or else Gods gonna get them. I find myself coming back to this verse...

If you sit in church on Sunday singing the songs and listening to the sermon, enjoying your safe cozy life, that's not messy, that doesn't ask tough questions, that can be reduced to a like and share, or an angry screed at what's wrong with that person over there, why don't they realize that I'm right, that I know what God means that I have it all figured out and if they would listen t me and follow the rules the right way and do what they are supposed to do then they would be happier and I would be justified.

If we praise God on Sunday morning and turn around and yell at our friends and friends of friends about how much they need to be like us, instead of being like Jesus, we should stay home Sunday because it's not working.  Church is not working, the worship is not working, the sermon is not working but more than anything God is not working, because for whatever reason the decision has been made that we have to curate Gods truth by making the gospel a weight around a persons neck instead of a set of keys that unlocks the shackles of sin and death that have us chained. God wants to work, he wants to move in our lives, but we have walled him out because we seem to know better.

Do me a favor, next time you're tempted to tell me to like comment and share, be it a prayer, a verse, or a political rant.  Click the X and don't post it, instead look for a friend that you haven't connected with in a while and message them for a cup of coffee or a walk in the park or a quick lunch or whatever it is you do that helps you build a real relationship with a person. 

It's Raining in Baltimore....

Life is full of bitter sweet moments and through all of those moments, especially in my life through all those moments music has had a defining place in what is going on. 

I tend to relate to music better than other ways to deal with whatever emotion I am feeling.  I also tend to gravitate toward a certain type of band, Counting Crows is one of my favorite bands.  They are not one of the more popular bands of the day but I love their sound and 98% of their lyrics. 

SO right now as I sit at 3 Bean for what will likely be one of the last times, I am listening to August and Everything After, great album.  The song in the video is on that album, and funny enough it's been raining in Baltimore a lot lately. 

If I had to be honest the last two years in the Newell house have been full of a lot of rain, a lot of storms.  In some ways we are still dealing with storm clean up, the battles with cancer, my tendency to internalizing and taking everything personally, walking away from the church that I was supposed to save, being angry at everyone involved in that process including myself, mostly at myself. 

The song talks about things that fall apart and about the need for a phone call, a raincoat some kind of connection with anyone and that's where I have been for a long time.  When we first left the church I was in a bad place, people reached out to me and I just sort of read their posts, words of encouragement all that and either ignored them or unfriended them.   I made excuses to not go to church, made sure I had to work as often as possible on the food truck, attempted to start writing again and in doing so posted a couple of angst filled rants.  Then something happened, well a couple of things happened. 

I have this amazing woman that I can say with complete honesty I don't deserve.  The amount of mess she has put up with in the last 23 years qualifies her for sainthood.  My best friend was having a birthday party, in Oklahoma and while we couldn't go she asked if I wanted to talk to him.  Now to be fair, he was one of the guys that reached out to me when everything fell apart and I just didn't respond.  Turns out the party was in Youngstown, also turns out we were going to be in Youngstown at the same time he was.  We couldn't go to the party but that didn't really matter, Joyce asked if I wanted to see him and I said sure why not.  Keep in mind I hadn't spoken to my friend in 7 years.  Long story short after along walk in the snow with my dog we had reconnected and when we got back to the house he mentioned that his nephew had preached the Christmas Eve service at NCA. 

Which brings us to where we are now.  We found out that NCA needed a pastor, I submitted a resume and this past Sunday the church voted us in.  Long journey actually,  full of prayer, conversation, prayer, conversation, evaluation, phone calls, prayer, travel to Ohio more than once, sermons and questions and all of it.  God did some pretty amazing things to bring us to the place we are at now.
He brought us to a great church in Baltimore that reminded me about how much God cares, he opened the hearts of the people in Niles, He opened my heart to realize that HE wasn't done with me by a long shot and that there was a place for us. 

The thing is all of this excitement comes with a bit of sadness.  We have friends here in Baltimore, people who we have grown to love.  People who have stuck with us, people that have been there.  We will miss them.

I will miss them.  Perhaps one of the ones I will miss most of all, is Jim.  I can say with a hundred percent surety that without Jim I would not be heading back into ministry at all.  Without his encouragement, friendship, and prayers I would just be sitting in my room with the lights off listening to Bathsalts (really dark angsty song) over and over again.  He and I came to Locust Point at the same time.  He left before I did and then I left and we have maintained a friendship that transcends ministry and shared vocations. 

God has done some pretty amazing things in the last six months.  I can't wait for all that he is going to do in the coming weeks, months, and years.

So there it is.  It's raining in Baltimore, but there is a light on the other side and well I can't wait to see what's next.




 

Plot points and Plans

Years ago...and at this point I do mean years, I was in the Science Olympics in my school...Don't get too excited, lots of people were in the science Olympics one of the ways to get in was to make a hot box that was supposed to keep water hot for a certain amount of time, build a contraption that kept an egg from breaking and some other strange stuff.  I happened to build a hot box that did a fairly decent job and in doing so landed a spot on the team.  The good thing was that it was a day out of school, if i remember correctly the bus ride for that particular science Olympics led to my first high school Girl Friend, at least I think it did, anyway the point is that you couldn't just do one thing at the Science Olympics back in the day Mrs. Viars wanted to optimize bus space.  So in addition to my hot box project I had to choose another event to be in.  There were options to do a weather event and a few others an then there was the option to do a compass course. I'm sure there is a more scientific name to whatever that was, but that's the best I can do given the circumstances.  I chose the compass course and my buddy Jeff did the weather thing.  I then spent an entire Saturday with a the commander of my Royal Ranger outpost (think boy scouts but attached to the church I grew up in) following direction a set of directions he had plotted out for me to find.  North South East West.. North East, South East etc.  I successfully navigated the courses he set up for me to navigate, filling in the paper with what I needed to and all was good.  I went to the competition confident that I had learned all that I needed to learn to make it through the course.

A little thing about compass navigation, especially when it is in competition form...yeah we didn't do north south east and west... we were each handed a compass that was set in the middle of a clear plastic ruler for lack of a better word, with markings on it the compass I had was a small circle with a flip top lid...the compass we used looked like this...

BIG DIFFERENCE...Now to be fair to Commander Cliff (no I'm not making that up that was his name, dude was TALL to)  this is the kind of compass he trained me to use, however he trained me N, S, E, W.  He did not train me 360 degrees bla bla bla.   To say I was lost would be an understatement.  I will admit to hoping we would all get to start around the same time and I could sort of fudge my way through.  Nope.  Start times were staggered, and while we all ended up bunching up there was a problem in that I really had no idea what I was doing.  I had the tools I needed but I had no idea how to use them.

Which brings me to the real reason for this blog post.  I have been out of ministry for 8 months now.  Back when I left I will admit to being pretty angry and that anger had several places to stop.  God, the church, the conference, and of course myself, because lets face it I had failed.  I made some pretty hard and fast statements as well.  It's funny how when we are in a place of pain, feeling like we have failed ourselves, God, our family and the group of people we are supposed to be helping we lash out.  I would love to tell you that I will never lash out again.  I would love to say that suddenly everything is sunshine and roses but if I am honest that's not how it is.  If we are all willing to be honest we will admit that there are days that we get it and days that we don't.  What matters is what we do on the days in-between.  See the days that we get it and that everything is right in our world and it's all working, we lean into the good stuff, we tell everyone how blessed we are, our social media posts are sickening to the vast majority of our friends, and we can't wait to get to whatever place of worship that we go to, so that everyone can see how great life is.  The days when everything is bad when things fall apart when we are lost and don't know what's next, we get angry, we are no longer blessed God is not real, or not interested, we find the most depressing music we can, and everyone tends to know how bad life is and how much we hate it and how much we are not being treated the way we should be.  We avoid getting together with other people to worship because we don't really want to or see a need too.

Full disclosure I was there for a long time.  I would make excuses to skip church  and when I did go to church it was usually just because that's what the family wanted.  Eye contact was at a minimum, angry rants abounded.  It's a small blessing that I stopped blogging, because while writing is my way of processing and I love doing it, what would have come out of my fingers to the screen would have been ugly and hurtful and would not have been even close to the way Jesus would respond.  Slowly things started to change, we found a church that we fit into, and we began to get involved.  I went back to Facebook and started to actually look at what people posted while I was going through the dark time and found so many people that I thought were gone from my life reaching out and praying and saying to call them.

I have had, for a while now, a hard time holding onto the whole road map of life that God drew for me individually.  I believe that God is interested in me, I believe God cares, I believe God has a plan and a purpose for humanity and even for me.  I believe that plan is to be a pastor, however I also believe that there are entire aspects of that calling and the fulfillment of that calling that sit squarely in my lap.  I'm not much for signs and all that.  People will point to Gideon and the whole fleece thing as if it's a good thing. I tend to see that whole thing not as a guidebook to be sure of what God wants and more of a this is not the way it should be done.   God did what he had to do for Gideon because Gideon didn't want to listen didn't want to step up didn't want to do the task that was before him, he set out impossible tasks not to test God but to get out of his job, the job that God had decided Gideon was supposed to do.  It makes me laugh was I read the entire account of Gideon, mainly because part of me thinks that God engages in similar behavior with the whole whittling down of Gideon's army.  I know that we have this great picture of Gideon having a come to Yahweh moment but I really don't think he was cool with losing vast chunks of his army, especially when it was that whole pick them on the way they drink thing.   God wanted to be sure there was no mistaking who was doing the saving sure, but Gideon still had to do his part, he still had to be the leader, he still had to follow the path that God laid out.

Looking back on the last eight months and even further back at the last five years I can see the shape of a path emerging, and while there are places that a road sign popped up to help steer the journey there are huge chunks of the journey that are me making choices after talking to my family and friends and yes God.  

As we stand on the edge of something new, I am beginning to see the pattern of how God has to deal with me to get me where I am supposed to be.  I plot the points but God makes the plan, and there are many times that I'm right back on that compass course with all the tools I need and not a clue how to chart the course, and then God steps in and hands me a revised plan with N S E and W instead of Degrees and Coordinates, smiles pats me on the head and says.  Now try it.   That's what is happening now and I can't wait to share the end results.

Aspiring artist exhibiting

Today we drove to DC for the 11 year olds art gig.   Let's be clear, she has always wanted to make money with her art, this year she has stared to do so.   The contacts made through Artists Compound have been great for her dreams.   She has been able to sell these hat's that she makes, and today saw he first commission.   She was also put in the promotional material.

So why this post so quickly after the one yesterday?  Simple.   Pride.  She wants to make money with he art and she is.   She's makin connections, exhibiting on a small scale, doing what she wants to do. 

Realizing all of this just affirms what I often forget.  No matter how bad it gets,  no matter what's going on in life that brings worry, I am really blessed with an amazing talented family. 

They really make life worth it, they prove grace is real to me every day,  weather it's a text from my J,  a shared webtoon with Amberly, a smile and wry comment from Zoey,  or a quick hug and kiss  I have more than most.

Anyway I wanted to let you in on a slice of life and promise more to come.

The Process

7 months ago I left the church that I was pastoring.  The circumstances were not fun.  It was not something I was planning on doing.  I came to Baltimore with this idea that I could sweep into this little church and that people would want to grow and that the neighborhood would realize that they needed something more in their life.  That we would reach out in tangible ways to the community and city and in doing so the church would grow.

I bought into this idea that if you could bring in enough change people would check in and and then stay.  I came in with a detailed plan, and we began implementing it.  Sure there were things that went off the rails.  A name change at the start that should have been pushed back at least a year, a missreading of the people I was to pastor, a completely different system of church governance that I thought I understood and could slowly and incrementally change.  

I have gone run through the whole sad situation in my mind over and over again, trying to figure it out, trying to know what I could have done that would have made it better.  Joyce and I were going over it the other day and I asked this question, one that had been going through my head for months.

"What was I thinking?"  Her answer was swift and sure..."You thought you could be the Carey Nieuwhof of Baltimore."  I opened my mouth to answer her and closed it because she was exactly right.  If you know his story if you've spent any time talking to him, you know that he dealt with some seriously difficult times when he started in ministry.  He took three churches that were having issues merged them all sorts of things and they grew, they became more, it's a great story, a great example of what could be, and she was right.  

The problem with this whole true sad tale is not that it didn't work, I could never be Carey and he could never be Aaron. We were given similar circumstances but not the same ones.  We were trying to turn around churches in different places and in different times.  We had different teams, different structures so many different things and while the principles are timeless the implementation isn't.  

Each year I would attend Orange and each year he would ask me if I was still there, and each year I would say yes, because I was doggedly determined to make this little church in Baltimore into the next big thing.  We were going to grow exponentially we were going to become the premier Orange church in Baltimore.  We were going to be multi-staffed.  Reggie was going to ask for me to present at Orange because of this amazing ministry that was reaching the families of Baltimore.  We were going to have a killer Kids Ministry, a growing youth ministry.  All these things were going to happen because they were supposed to, because I was doing all this for God, because I was working hard and because its what God wanted.

Well we all know how that worked out.  I have said I failed, and in many respects I did.  I have blamed myself, God and others and there is blame to go around. I have cried, gotten angry, said words like never and always.  I have done so many things when it comes to the time I spent.  

Ultimately I had to make a very hard choice, keep fighting for this church, or fight to keep my family.  I chose the latter.  I was not a pleasant person in the last year and a half.  Lots of anger, lots of fatigue, lots of just not happy.  We did so many things, and tried so hard and it didn't work.  

Who's fault is it?  Why didn't it work?  What could have made things different?  To those questions I would answer does it matter at this point?  Any time a ministry dies it's bitter sweet.  Sometimes they die because they outlive their usefullness, sometimes they die because it becomes about the leader and not the commission, and sometimes they die because it's not sustainable, and sometimes everyone is just too tired.  Sure I have my theory, the other leaders in the church will have theirs.

But as I sit here seven months later, looking at God moving in our lives I have to say that the whole experience was a very good lesson.  A lesson in how to love people, a lesson in how to lead, a lesson in how to work with, a lesson in God's grace, and in God's capacity to pick us up and put us back together even while we are trying desperately to tell him to leave us alone.

Check back soon for more if you are so inclined.  I know God is doing something that I am excited to share.

The Jesus nobody wants...

Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so...little ones to him belong they are weak and he is strong...ish....because he also is meek and mild....in fact we all know that this is what Jesus looks like...I mean lets face it....He's white, has long hair a well groomed beard and blue eyes, something

that always made me wonder because growing up in the church tradition I grew up in guys having long hair was considered some kind of major sin that would inevitably lead to promiscuity, drug use, drinking, smoking, swearing, and very likely devil worship complete with regular human or at least feline sacrifices.  This Jesus is safe, this Jesus is fun to follow, a mash up of Barney, the Wiggles, Mr. Rogers and David Copperfield (the magician).  Christians like this Jesus because this Jesus is above it all, this Jesus never did any of the gross things that humans do.  He never had doubts, never questioned authority, never had a crush or fell in love.  This Jesus turned water into Grape Juice, floated a few centimeters above the ground, and
shed tears on a regular basis.  This Jesus was led quietly away without a sound or complaint....This is the Jesus so many grew up knowing, and believing in and the reason is simple, this Jesus is manageable.  This is the gentleman Jesus that I wrote about the other day and people like this Jesus because this Jesus will never surprise them, never call them to care about more than what their church says to care about, never ask them to stand up for people no one else will stand up for.  This Jesus would be welcome in our churches because this Jesus wouldn't rock the boat. He would "find his ministry" and spend his days checking kids in, or taking offering, or parking cars, or singing on a praise team or in the choir, nodding, smiling, affirming what comes from the pulpit.  People like this Jesus.

Recently, due to life I've done a lot of re-evaluating of my faith.  There were always things that didn't sit well with me growing up.  Things that didn't make sense that caused me to push against the edges which is a good thing when we push against the edges of our faith authenticity develops but I've said that before, it's nothing new.

While we love that Jesus in the picture we are afraid of this Jesus, and the reason is actually pretty simple, this Jesus is not happy, he's not meek and mild, he isn't offering you and I our best life now.
On the contrary this Jesus is angry, this Jesus had doubts, this Jesus wondered if "the plan was worth it.  This Jesus is the one that did one of the most irrational things that a person can do, and in doing it should offer all of us a type of hope that the other Jesus, the meek and mild floats above the clouds Jesus could never give.

Mark 11:12-14 (NLT)
¹²  The next morning as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry.
¹³  He noticed a fig tree in full leaf a little way off, so he went over to see if he could find any figs. But there were only leaves because it was too early in the season for fruit.
¹⁴  Then Jesus said to the tree, “May no one ever eat your fruit again!” And the disciples heard him say it.¹³  He noticed a fig tree in full leaf a little way off, so he went over to see if he could find any figs. But there were only leaves because it was too early in the season for fruit.
¹⁴  Then Jesus said to the tree, “May no one ever eat your fruit again!” And the disciples heard him say it.

I love this scripture because it shows  Jesus really did get it, he really did live among us, he really did walk the earth, have feelings, got angry and lost his cool, but more than anything it showed he could be irrational and respond in a completely emotional way.  IT WAS TOO EARLY FOR FRUIT. Jesus knew this, and yet he was hungry, and tired, and frustrated and so he reacted he just said no fruit for you, never again.  I can see him walking away the disciples shaking their head thinking what did you expect it's not time yet.  Keep reading the story and you find that they saw the fig tree a few days later is didn't just have no fruit, it was dead.  In his frustration, in his anger, Jesus destroyed a tree that wasn't supposed to have fruit on it yet.  

Jesus begged his dad to not make him have to die, I know we love the idea that Jesus said not my will but yours and it was just this resigned shuffle off to death, but the Jesus the cursed a tree for not having fruit, when it wasn't even time for it to have fruit wouldn't have done that. I believe there was a lot of struggle, a lot of angst, a lot of begging, with the ultimate surrender not because he had to but because he chose too.  I believe the Jesus that cursed the tree to death, that threw out the people buying and selling, that got angry at the mourners at Lazarus tomb, that stood and cried because his friend was dead, even though he knew what he was about to do, had crushes, got in a fight or two joked around with his cousin, skipped out on chores, came in late, argued with his parents from time to time, made good choices and sometimes made bad ones (that tree again.)  

This Jesus is not the Jesus we want, but it is the Jesus we need, correction it may not be the Jesus you need but it's the Jesus I need, because this is that Jesus that offers humanity the hope that the end result of a walk of faith, and lets face it, his time on earth as a HUMAN was a walk of faith, can lead somewhere besides church on a Sunday morning.

One of my favorite stories from the life of Christ happens just after the resurrection.   Jesus is about to forgive Peter and lay some pretty heavy instructions on him.  The disciples are fishing, Jesus tells them to put their net on the right side of the boat they get a huge haul of fish peter rushes to shore even after he had denied Jesus...but the part of the story I love is that Jesus is already cooking breakfast.  Jesus built a fire, brought some fish, and was cooking for the disciples, he knew they would be there, he knew they would be hungry, and so he was meeting their need, not only that he invited them to bring some of what they had to round out the meal.

John 21:10 (NLT)
¹⁰  “Bring some of the fish you’ve just caught,” Jesus said.

Jesus has always viewed faith not as a blind trust, but a full on partnership. A partnership with people just like him.  People who walk the earth, who get angry, who love, who hate, who hurt and who help.  People that doubt and fear, and make good decisions and sometimes are irrational.  People who can become more like He is now, because he took time to be like we are now.