I have always felt this way. I know it’s twisted, I know it’s wrong, I know I shouldn’t feel like this. I just do. I feel like life is a game, and not the fun type of game that I play from time to time with friends and family I mean a very nasty game that has winners and losers. The winners are the ones that can be productive members of society and that can provide for the needs and wants of their families, the losers are the rest of us. Nothing degrades a person that has always tied his or her self worth to what they do, than to be the one that is just not good enough. What I mean by just not good enough is not what you may think. It’s like being “just a bit outside” in baseball. The pitcher lines up and just barely misses the strike zone. Thats what seems to happen with me. I interview at a place and everyone in the interview talks about how great I am and how I seem to have a good grasp on the situation and how I could be an asset, they may say that my experience teaching, or planning and implementing camps and retreats for large groups will really come in handy. They may even ask when I would be able to start... then nothing. I hear nothing back I am put off for weeks being told that they are waiting or the position is on hold or whatever it is, and when I finally do find out what they meant to say, what the truth of the matter is, I end up getting knocked back more and more.
J and I have said that it seems when I start to get bummed something will open up to give me a glimmer of hope, the problem with that logic is that I can only take so many glimmers, there are only so many times that I can hear; “we really like you but.” I’m sick of that statement, I’m tired of hearing that I’m either over qualified, or that a job can’t pay me what I’m worth or that I have such great qualifications. I am tired of hearing that someone is going to be lucky to get me or that I’m not Methodist enough or whatever it is. I don’t want to hear “wait on God” I don’t want to be told to pray some more.
I’m tired of telling Amberly that we will go to that movie or we will do such and such as soon as Daddy starts working. I am torn up over the fact that we can’t take the girls on a proper vacation, I hate that every time I get a bit of hope built up, it’s smashed and taken away. Enough is enough, there has to come a point that something in the year 2010 is good.
Before you decide to get all self righteous and spiritual on me and tell me that God has given me so much, that I still have J and the girls, or that J is a miracle let me say this shut up. I hate the fact that J was sick in the first place, I don’t see any intrinsic value in that whole situation, I don’t see how it “worked for the good.” I’m to the point of walking, of just telling God he can keep to Himself and I’ll keep to myself.
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Until I Wasn't
I've been writing some different things lately. This one has been kicking around in my head the last few days so I decided to go ahead ...
My dad was -- by highest education -- a Presbyterian minister. He was really good at it too. Got lots of commendation for his sermons. But he paid the bills by working for the state employment office trying to match people up w/ jobs. It wasn't very lucrative, but it was something. And some years he'd sign up for the substitute-preacher list and cover ministers on vacation or serve as the interim. That's how I know he was good at it, from such gigs. I remember at least one congregation trying to talk him into staying on instead of just filling the gap between others. I'm not sure why he said "no." He complained about the office a lot, so I don't think it was for liking the day job. Maybe it was financial calculations. Maybe it was something else. I think I could have been OK with either way. Looking back, I'm less interested in his career direction than in how he related to us. He had his flaws, but he was part of the team that provided me with a mostly safe, reasonably nurturing childhood including fostering thinking skills and some degree of idealism blended with practicality. There are worse things to have your kids say about you after you pass.
ReplyDeleteWhat's that mean for you? I don't know. Maybe something. Maybe not. There it is.
Hi Aaron, I would tell you "I know how you feel", but we are going thru similar circumstances, but different. We have never been able to take our kids on a "real" vacation, just piddly little things. We can't afford to help "our" eldest daughter (20) get a car, go to college, anything and it breaks my heart~~ I've been working faithfully for the past 15 years, same place, different positions, but my husband, on the other hand, still doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up! He has had 10 different jobs in 14 years. We can never get on our feet. I'm tired of hearing "God this" and "God that" when I thought God was supposed to be blessing his children, not making life miserable. At least you have each other, I don't think I even have that anymore. Just know your not alone in your situation. Now go give J a great big hug and love on her!!
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