It's real.

June was a pretty bad month.  It was in June that we found out about Joyce's cancer.  The thing is I have these nightmares, always have that something bad is going to happen to J and the girls,  usually when they are driving.

I have been wondering for a while when Cancer was going to hit,  I just always assumed that I would be the one to get that diagnosis.  It's not fair,  for J to have to have this happen to her, and yet here I sit in the waiting area, the Doctor did come out and let me know that the surgery for the port went well, no complications, which is one of those really bitter sweet things.  I'm glad there were no problems putting the port in.  My imagination was going full blast which is not hard any more coming up with all the bad things that were going to happen.  The thing is they just put in a way to easily access J's veins to pump her full  of poison that if it does it's job will shrink the cancer so that they can then set up another  appointment for more surgery.

The thing is before today it was something we were fighting but there was this un-realness to it for lack of a better word.  Today though, it all came crashing in again.  This is real, there is not a miracle, the pet scan did not show the cancer suddenly gone.  God didn't just heal her so we don't have to do this.  It's still there, the steps have to be walked.  The treatments start Wednesday, there isn't going to be a last minute reprieve, there will be no oh wow check that out the tumor is gone.  There will be months of chemo, and surgery and radiation and and and.

The problem that I have right now is how to be what I need to be for everyone in life right now.  How do I take care of Joyce, take care of the girls, take care of the church.  How do I make sure that everyone understands that life is supposed to be all about Joyce right now.  That she is what matters that her well being, and psyche is really all that matters to me.

There are so many things that rush around in my head and heart, that we have to deal with,  that she has to deal with and I know for a fact that I'm not equal  to the task.  that's the bad part, knowing you're not equal to the task, knowing that there are going to be entire days when drowning not only will seem possible, but preferable.

This is all real, and today's surgery just brings the gravity of the situation home in a way that I was able to dodge until today.

Six years ago I blogged my way through almost losing J.  Six years later I'm going to blog my way through cancer.  I'm not sure what that will look like, except I'm fairly sure it will  happen more in the spaces where we wait, in the angst of not knowing, the hardships that will be chemo, the frustration that J will go through in not being able to do what she is used to.

As we move through this time know that we will need...I will need...I just don't know at this point what those needs will be.

More to come...