Not Okay

 It goes without saying that I process things through writing.  It seems like that's just the way my brain works and so here I sit on the 17th of May 2021 attempting to process the unthinkable. 

Back in 2011 something amazing happened.  Our family of four became a family of 5.  I've been blessed to get super amounts of quality time with all of my children when they were little.  Each of them spent time at my office with me, and I relished ever second.  Which brings me to 2011.  In 2011 we went from four to five.  I'll never forget the day, the amazement and the joy of adding this person that was all amazing.  

Lots of starts happened with the fifth Newell.  I started running pushing the stroller as I did so.  Time in my office in the swing was so fun, and then came the best part of that time.  Daddy Daycare was in full effect watching this bundle during the day and working on computers in the afternoon and evening.  Getting to live every moment with this person that was so just...there are no words.  

Sweet, caring, opinionated, giving, loving, accommodating, smart, fun, creative, sensitive the list that I just made is by no means exhaustive it pales to be honest but it's a start. 

Fast forward to 2021...the edge of double digits.  The creativity full and fun and amazing.  The servants heart that always said...I'll help, I'll do it, let me help you.  The time playing Animal Crossing, or Among Us or Mario Odyssey together finding each moon, and being excited about it, more excited than you will know.  The snuggles on the couch watching a movie or show.  

The jar of marbles on the mantle,   growing smaller by the day...now arrested never to shrink again.

We have joined the worst club in the world.   No one ever wants to join this club, and I can guarantee you that the people in it don't want any more members, and yet here we are.  This club takes a toll, sleepless days and nights, tears that wont stop and come unbidden out of nowhere except that's not true at all they come from this gaping hole that has been ripped not just into your heart but the very fabric of your being.  That place that is who you are, because lets be clear the ball of love and light becomes a part of you in ways that no one can really explain and to have it torn out leaves a mess.  

Age is an interesting thing.  Someting that always happens until suddenly it doesn't, when in a screech and a lurch all is stripped away and the hole is made you have nothing left but the pain and sorrow and hurt and anger...so much anger.  

"Dad wait don't leave me."  and so of course I waited, loading into the SUV heading to church, precious cargo in tow.  Only to now sit and pray that it's really Sunday afternoon and I'm in the middle of a nap and I'm going to wake up and hear all of them...but then that's not what it is...now I'm the one that's saying..."Josie wait...don't leave."  and there is no sleep...just this yawning jagged hole in my heart and soul, a jar of marbles on the mantle that will never empty, a family screaming at the gates of Heaven  please give her back....