The lies we tell ourselves...

Well, Dear Reader, here we sit looking at each other, figuratively I mean.  Me behind the keys and screen, you...well looking at the screen except when you're reading this I won't so much be behind the keys anymore but you get the idea. 

It's been a week since a din of activity descended on the house.  So many people, so supportive, so empathetic.  I truly don't know what it would have been like had all those that were here not been.  So many people to thank as we shuffle through daily life, the task is daunting and there is absolutely no real way to ever say thank you enough, no way to repay the kindness and generosity that has been given, which makes today's post so hard because I feel like, because of all the support we have had and still have that I should be further ahead, but the truth is there is really no way to be further ahead in this.  I am coming, no that's not right, I have come to the sickening realization that there really is not going to be a further ahead in many aspects.  I was talking to my neighbor Mike yesterday and he even said that he still is shuffling through life two years later.  We talked about the first time things seem different that first time you laugh because it's a natural response and it comes when you don't expect it to and don't want it to and the guilt and shame that you feel because how can you laugh.  We talked about being angry at people for no reason, something that I had already been warned about (thanks Judie). All the things that are happening and all the things that will never happen come screaming into my mind and heart and soul in real time and I just want to stop it for a bit.  I want to hit this place where I don't have to feel anymore.  Where I can just not be if that makes sense, and the really screwy thing about all that is it's getting harder instead of easier.  

I'm told, and it makes sense, that this happens because the shock of it all is setting in now, and I get that, I even can agree with it, it makes complete sense, and yet I don't want that, which is why, when I have six things on my list for the day, I leave a few things on it so that the next day the list can be bigger and I can fill my mind and heart and spirit with all that stuff that just has to be done and when I do that then I can not deal with what is real, I can just do and in doing, I can get myself through the day with all that has to be.  

The worst thing a person can ask is how are you doing, or how's it going because the answer is not what anyone really wants.  It's easy to ask how are you doing and it's easy to pretend that the answer matters to us when we ask the question but I mean lets be real, we use how's it going or how are you doing to fill space, not really expecting the real answer, because real answers are messy and hard and have to be dealt with and so we all adhere to this unwritten code, that when we ask questions like: "Hey, how's it going?" or "How are you doing?"  or "How are you feeling?"  or the ever present three word question, "How are you?"  I know that these questions are pretty much interchangeable, and we all ask a variation of them, and we all know what the proper answer is..."Fine."  that's what we are supposed to say right?  fine, and for the most part we do and life goes on.  

I think one of the hardest ones is wrestling God into the situation that we are in.  People do it all the time.  If you are sitting where I'm sitting, then you wrestle God into the being you are most angry at, the one that just doesn't get it, that has robbed you, thrown justice out the window along with compassion, and care, and love, and grace.  If you're on the other side of the table sipping your coffee trying to figure out what to say then you wrestle God into the his will, ultimate plan, there is a purpose spot.  Both sides like to do what they are doing because it makes things easier, blame God or make it mystical, either way it's easier than dealing with what's really going on.  

These are just a few of the lies we tell ourselves, and lets be clear Dear Reader, everyone tells these lies to themselves and to each other in circumstances that are painful and don't make sense.  Pastors tell ourselves these lies just like our Parishoners do and no one wants to admit that but, I'm kinda raw right now and have been for over a month and likely will be for the foreseeable future, realizing that I'm doing it that we are doing it is a first step of sorts.  If we...strike that...If I can admit that I'm lying to myself about what I have to be and how I am supposed to deal with this, then I can begin to see a way to get past all that to a place where I can begin to see a way to shuffle forward a bit more.  

For the record I'm not further ahead.  So that gets rid of that lie I tell myself, it's a good bet that I'm going to have to get rid of that one a lot more.  I need to be able to say that I'm not further ahead and I need to figure out a way to be okay with it.  

None of this is God's fault, but I also don't for a moment believe it was part of some grand plan that God had.  I will likely blame God and be mad at him off and on for the rest of my earthy life, but that's because I'm human, and humans are irrational broken creatures that are made in the image of God. It then follows if I'm made in the image of God, and I'm feeling this sense of loss and pain and hurt and sorrow and grief and all of it, God has felt it and is feeling it along with me.  God didn't cause this,  this was an accident, it happened because accidents happen, we always want to figure out why as humans to figure out how it happened, as if doing so will somehow make the outcome different or okay, or livable, but the thing about accidents is you can't predict them, and they are not anyones fault, they just are.  So no it's not God's fault but neither is it Gods will.  It just is.  All of us have to stop telling ourselves and each other that set of lies because they turn God into some distant far of malevolent being and, well according to Psalm..Here just read it...

In fact if you read this verse it tells us we need to stop lying to ourselves about ourselves and God.  If I'm coming to God to deal with this big ugly not okay thing that has happened, I need to stop trying to come to him as if I'm some big strong pastor, called to shepherd God's people.  I need to come to him as the broken Daddy that lost one of the most precious things in the world and can't ever find it again no matter how hard he tries,  I need to come to him as the one that wants to take all the hurt and pain and all the mess and angst from my family so they don't have to feel it and realize that they have to be able to feel it just like I do.  I need to come to him as the angry friend who wants more than is ever expected and that never should be expected because its not realistic but still that's how I need to come to him.  I need to come to him with all of these things and all of the desires to shoulder the whole thing and admit that I am trying to do that and start to just lean into the fact that it's okay to be a broken mess, and it's okay to not have it together, and it's okay to just sit with J instead of trying to figure out how to fix it or take her place or make it all better.  

I think that's the thing about life, that's the thing about the Thou Shalt Not Lie commandment.  We tend to think of it in terms of lying to others and how bad that is, and don't get me wrong that is bad, but lying to ourselves can be even more detrimental to our relationship with God and others because when we lie to ourselves we are building a false narrative not just about who we are but who they are to us and who God is.  

The truth in all this is a harsh one. 

If you've never lost a Son or Daughter you can't know how this feels.  It's a special kinda of ugly club that you end up in, but there is more to this truth.

If you have never lost a child, you can't know how this feels.  I'm sorry but you just can't, you can feel bad, and sad, you can try and compare it to something that you have lost, but you can't know what it's like to lose a little person on the door to double digits if you've never lost a 7 or 8 or 9 or 5 or 6 or 7 year old.

Pastors get mad at God all the time.  We have times we don't really like Him just like you do.  Even though we are supposed to know things you don't, even though we are held to a different standard we still get mad at Him and we still have to deal with that mad.

You may not like the response you get to any given question that you ask on any given day when it comes to me, and the truth is, while I have no desire to hurt anyone, or to make anyone feel bad, there is a part of me that is 100% okay with you not understanding or feeling the connection that you want to with me.  I'm sure there will come a point when I'll be more into answering people, to being what they need me to be, it's just not something that is going to happen right now.

I am NOT OKAY...We are NOT OKAY...and that's just fact.  It don'ts mean we don't care about others, or love others, or want to minister to others, but right now it's not really at the top of the to do list.

So that's it really.  Some of the lies we tell ourselves, some harsh truths, and now for a not so harsh one dear reader.

I appreciate you and love you for being here for reading and for praying or reaching or wanting to know how to help.  If I had answers to any of those questions believe me I would give them to you, right now I just don't but that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate all the hands reaching.  If I grip your hand thank you for holding firm, and if I don't please don't be offended, it just means that I can't reach you right now, who knows maybe there will come a day when I can.

 

See you again...