Traction

 One of the things that I deal with lately, aside from the obvious, is getting traction.  I am not really into the laundry list of things that keep me in a constant spin, it makes no sense and there really is not reason to bring them up again but they are real, they are somewhere on the blog and in the videos I post and well yeah you get the picture, 

Sometimes it's just too much.  In fact lately it is more than too much at times.  I find myself getting frustrated at times and just wanting to scream obscenities.  It's crazy how that is.  The further from the thing, the harder it is to get traction.  To put things in proper perspective. 

I'm tired is what it is, tired and depressed, and frustrated, and confused, and, and, and....

I guess that what really makes it hard is the fact that I don't really see any way around what has to be done, and normally I just can shrug and put my head down and do what has to be done without feeling the way I do now.  I'm still putting my head down, and doing the things that have to be done but the feelings are so intense when they wash over me that it can be ever more frustrating and overwhelming.   This truth coupled with the promise that life is forever altered in fundamental ways makes it hard to not retreat into my own mind and heart and soul and just go from doing things with purpose and intention to doing things because they have to be done and the sooner I get them done the sooner I can wallow.

I'm not sure why humans like to wallow but I'm beginning to think that wallowing is a default.  We look at wallowing as something that can only be attached to the bad things and feelings, and for me that's true. I mean at any given point in the day I wallow in self pity, in anger, in frustration, in sadness, bitterness and resentment.  But it's equally possible to wallow in happiness, fun, euphoria you get the idea.  We like to camp out no matter what the feeling because we self justify. 

The problem with letting ourselves wallow in any one of these feelings and places is that when we do that we distance ourselves from so many people and things that can help. Even when we are with people we are distanced and that's hard. I know that there are times I can be in a place with people, people who care, people who have shown so much support and I'm miles away, hearing but not really listening or processing what is being said, which, I mean lets be honest, can be really awkward if you don't know how to nod and smile and build a proper response based on the last snippets of what others are saying.  

It's this wallowing that leads to the in-ability to gain any sense of traction.  I do things, that's what has always been.  Worth is gained by accomplishment right?  I mean that's how I have operated for most of my life.  When I get something done, when a job is finished, when something works and I see the final result I feel worth it in the grander scheme of life.  Like I'm doing something that matters.  But, and here's the hard part, how do you do things when you can't get any traction.  How do you have a productive day when it starts curled around a teddy bear in bed or on the floor, knowing that you should be able get back to something that resembles more than existing, more then just doing things that have to be done.  

I know that there is no right way to do this, I get that.  I know that there are stages to grief and all that.  I just want to feel like there is more than shuffling along.  I can hear myself getting short with people, I can see the frustration bubbling out when I interact and I know better and I tell myself. "Hey back up they are upset too, they are just as much as a mess if not more than you, and even though I know that I feel the frustration pop out and it's just so frustrating.  Again that traction thing.  

As I move further and further into life without.  I am realizing that there are entire days where I just don't want to life.  I used to say I don't want to today, but it's more than that, I don't want to life sometimes.  I really did think that there would be something else happening at this point.  I thought that the tears would be different but they aren't.  I am moving back into things in life, but if I'm honest, which is what this whole blog is about, I just am going through the motions.  I know that's okay in some ways but for me, that is not how I like to work, it's not how I like to live.  

So that's it.  The past few days I just can't seem to get traction and that in and of itself is just wrong for me.  

See ya around