Running on E

 The phone rang today...again...the phone rings every day usually multiple times sometimes a week will have upwards of 25 to 30 calls all from the same source.  Not telemarketers, not robocalls, not bill calls, shoot even some of those people only call once a day or once a week asking if you want to save on your electric, or join some cause, or get a better rate on your car insurance.  You get the idea.  

Today will come off as me whining but I mean that's just how it is.  I think it's more than that but from where I'm sitting perspective is often skewed.

At any given moment there are so many things that have to be done.  Dealing with multiple family members who are in various stages of need for whatever reason.  Leading an amazing church with people who have been so supportive it's scary.  Helping a person I've known all my life with just about every part of regular living as possible, up to including medical decisions.  The list grows and so much has to be done and there is just no way to say it but that I don't know how to do the next thing.  

I guess what I know how to do doesn't matter, because I am doing the next thing, at least it seems like I am doing the next thing, things are getting done but the struggle is more than a little bit real, it's a lot bit real, like over the top real. I'm reminded of this episode of Seinfeld where Kramer is riding in a car with a guy, I think it was the guy trying to sell it, anyway the car was sitting on empty and they kept pushing the limit, trying to see just how far they could go on fumes.  It was pretty funny then.  The problem is that's a make believe world.  A world where a car can sit on empty and yet travel miles and miles and miles, the fun is in seeing just how far you can go, how far you can push it.  Which is the problem with today and the last days, weeks,  shoot months even.  It's not a make believe world we live it.  Believe me I wish it was, I wish this was all make believe, that we were living in some weird time bubble and once it popped the world would start to revolve the way it was meant to, where we don't live in a reality without.

Which is what is so hard.  I've been running on E and I know it, I can see it, I am living it and I know that it's not sustainable.  I live right now smack dab in the middle of this verse

just not for the right reason.  Paul is able to say I will boast in my weaknesses because it's in those weak areas that Christ is strong.  

I don't want to boast in the weaknesses, even as I know better, even though I know that God was not any where close to happy when May 16th happened I still find myself getting angry at Him, yelling at him, wanting to know what he was busy doing on that day to not have my back. To not protect the ones that are so important to living life.

My tank is empty and the guilt that I feel with saying that is at times crippling.  I don't have time for an empty tank.  I don't have the ability to not do, and so I keep going keep pushing and when I do stop when I do try and step away from the madness that is life, I end up feeling guilty for that too.  People need me and I am going to fail them, I'm going to miss something, I'm going to forget, the list goes on and on and the tank moves from fumes to nothing and still I keep going thinking there is going to come a point when there will be a chance for there to be something put back in the tank.  

I'm a living walking example of what it means to live in a place where it's obvious that there is no real way I can do this on my own, it's obvious that God's somehow pulling me through the mud of depression and anger guilt and all the rest.  I'm sure there will come a day when I am able to thank him for that but I'm just not there. 

I envy people that can look at the bad things that happen and see God's hand in a positive way working in them and through them and even through the situation.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  I do not for a moment believe God did any of this, and that God is just as sad about it as I am, if I'm honest, more than I am for all the reasons anyone that has a slight knowledge of God knows.  Still doesn't change the fact that in this part of life and all that goes with this part of life, the human part of Aaron raises his fist and yells at a God who didn't have my back, even though I know better, and that's just it.  I do know better. 

But just because I know something doesn't mean I can accept it, and I'm just dumb enough to believe that God gets it and that's exactly why he is pulling me through all of this mess because he does love me not where I will be but where I am, even if where I am is so very very screwed up. 

So my tank is on empty and it doesn't matter and that's where life is.

See ya around the blog