Waves of Nope

The last few weeks have been harder than they should be.  I keep saying that to myself and a few other people and I mean lets be fair, all of them, myself included say the same thing.  I'm wrong, there's no right way to do grief, being sad is okay.  It's okay to not be okay.  I mean the list is pretty exhausting but I mean lets be clear.  I'm pretty exhausted.

If I look at the list of how messed up things are in the last three months it would be so self defeating which is probably why I feel so defeated so often.  I see all that has happened in life and I recognize the ways that I've discounted and tried to gloss over things in other peoples lives in the past, not because I don't care about them, or about what they are dealing with and going through, but because I thought they had to have an answer from me, and I thought that I must have the right answer.

Since the middle of August things have been even harder than they were, harder than I want them to be.  Entire days bring reminders that are so bitter sweet, and to be honest at this point they are more bitter than sweet.  We have entered this gauntlet with the start of school and leading through a mass of birthday's that culminate with October 7th and to be honest I just don't know how that day even is going to be able to exist.  I'd like to pull it out of the calander but that won't happen and the closer it comes, the closer we get to it the harder the days get.  It's like trying to walk when you're stuck in the rain and the mud has gotten on your shoes and it gets thicker and heavier and your entire being just wants to be done. To sit down in the mud and stop and let the rain flood whatever valley you're in and make it so you don't have to trudge anymore. 

That's where things have been since the 16th of August and it makes sense and it's sad and it's messed up and there are days that I just want to scream obscenities to anyone and anything that will listen.

This is the truth about grief that people don't ever get until they are doing it.  The truth about specific grief that is, is that no one really has a clue what triggers it, or how to work though it in a timely fashion.  It's like a stalker that waits, biding it's time until you are doing something completely un-related to the person you are grieving and then slams into you making every bit of emotion that has been balled up for however many days it was between the time you last cried, last felt, let dealt with all the stuff that you've been stuffing.  The sad thing is you come to realize that crying is not just a once in a while thing anymore it's still a daily thing and there are times that you just have to close the door and tell the world to go away.

That's where I'm sitting right now and the worst part of that is the guilt associated with doing that.  It's like I am not doing what I should for the rest of the people in the house, people I love and care for and just want to be okay, even though okay is not really on the table or even in the box at this point.

That's the thing, there are days when waves of nope crash all around me, and in those days I just want to say NOPE to everything that should be done, and I mean everything and the hard part is I know that's not really acceptable so I put my head down and push through and then the waves crash over me and I just can't.

That's it really, no scriptures today, no redeeming oh wow he's doing so well, he's coming through it.  Just wave after wave of nope...

See you around the blog.