Today's Post was started on the 7th and completed today. Enjoy...
Today is going to be one of those days. I know that sounds fatalistic but it's not meant too. It's just what is. it will be one of those days because well that's what it's going to be. I'm not upset about that just resigned too it and you know sometimes that’s okay, sometimes that’s just how it’s going to be and trying to think your way out of it is silly. Started the day finding a crack in my MacBook Air’s screen. No clue how it got there. I can still use it though, just have it plugged into an external monitor. If I wan or need to do editing on the road I have my iPad and a Bluetooth Keyboard that is working well. There are also other laptops in the house if I find I need one of those, I’m not really sure I will. The things I have are more than enough and I can get things figured out when it comes to multitasking with Accordance and other things as needed. I am surprised at how well I am able to type on the somewhat smaller keyboard. It seems a bit cramped but all in all it’s working just fine. My fingers have already adjusted to the size difference. And the MacBook is more than usable on a much larger monitor. That much is a good thing.
There are of course other things going on in my mind. Trying to figure out the other day. I just don’t know what’s next. I guess the real issue for me is the idea that I am not ever going to pastor again. I mean that’s a given at this point, but how do I navigate that. How do I stop preaching, stop leading, stop all these things that I have been doing, and to be clear that I am good at? I think that is one of the things that gets me the most. I’m good at it. I am good at leading, good at teaching and preaching, good at sharing and promoting vision. I am good at talking to people, relating to them, helping them see things from a different perspective. And while all of those things area true, that truth is not really something that matters.
I have been thinking of doing some teaching and preaching on a podcast. Just pop it up on facebook and on the Bad Pastor blog but will that be looked at as self serving. Will it be looked at as overstepping? I just don’t know. It’s been five months and I have so much that I need to move through and away from and toward.
So what happens now? That’s the thing that I have yet to really figure out. What I do know is I’m going to start writing some fiction. I want to explore all there is to explore about my creative side, I want to keep moving in the healthy direction. I am doing so but having figured out all the things that I have and am figuring out at the moment is rather enjoyable.
I know that if I do end up preaching again it wont look the same as anything that I have done. Or, perhaps it will end up looking very much like it did before I fell apart.
I wonder at so many different aspects of life. I wonder at the ability to create and be creative. I wonder at the singing and the living that I am now doing and it feels more real now than it did before for some reason.
I really think what is happening is a part of grace. That part that God allows when humanity can’t offer it. It’s like Gods tangible proofs of grace is the returning of things that you have always appreciated and enjoyed. That point where, after finally coming to our end and falling fully into his merciful arms, even when, no strike that especially when the fall has caused that breaking that requires so much of Him to put us back together. He shows up in the return of our less than spiritual gifts, well less than what people in the club of Christianity think of as spiritual gifts.
I am learning that the gift of creativity, the gift of listening, of being present not just in my own life but in the lives of those around me. The gift of collaboration, and conversation, of making and doing and exploring what there is around me, is more spiritual than some of the best services I have been in. Brings me closer to God than some of the most intense prayer meetings that I have attended. Lets me see who he is and gives me insight into what that means for me, and possibly others in greater ways than some of the most intricate studies I’ve done in preparing to preach.
Don’t get me wrong, all of the things I talked about that are considered spiritual gifts are wrapped up in it. I would never, if I were to preach again, just “wing it.” That’s never been an option for me, and I do love digging into words and historicity and context. I like the challenge of it, but there is space for the other things that I am talking about. More space than I ever could have imagined.
The other day I spent hours in the shop at my mother in laws house to produce a dice box that is shaped like a dice bag. I ran the wood through the planer to smooth it out and square it, used the band and scroll saw to get the basic shape, sliced the lid for it with the table saw then using the router hollowed out the center. My first attempt was sad but I learned from it and went into the second attempt with a bit more success. It’s not done but I just finished shaping it a bit more and have added the ridge to the top of the box to keep it in place. I’ll shape the lid after it has dried which will be tomorrow then it will be carving the strings and adding some artwork and well. We will see what happens with that.
In all of this, I’m asking for opinions and thoughts. Creating and listening and talking and being still in the work. It’s interesting that there is so much more to being still than just sitting still and being quiet. There is a stillness that comes from getting my hands dirty. A stillness that comes from seeing a completed piece or project and realizing that I made that. That I did that, and I did it as what I believe is an expression of the image of God working and living and breathing in me.
I know that same God wants to live and work and breath in others. I know there was a time when I was tasked with sharing with others the ways to do things to pull them closer to God. Things that help them realize the importance of the stillness that comes from the not so spiritual, spiritual gifts. I know the calling that I was living in, and while I sit here in this space and look at that calling I realize that I don’t know how it manifests any more in my life and by extension of that calling in the lives of others.
Who knows, perhaps this space is helpful to people. Maybe people read this and it builds them up, or makes them think, or gives them some semblance of spiritual sustenance. Even if it’s only snack size. And perhaps it doesn’t, perhaps this whole thing is just an exercise in writing out my demons, as it were. If that is the case then I can add one more thing to the not so spiritual spiritual gift of creativity. This prose that so often give me the opportunity to look back and see how far I’ve fallen, but also how many inches I’ve climbed back up the rope, my divine gym teacher standing there holding it steady so I can climb and when needed pushing or pulling me in the right direction even as my feet and arms get tired and lose their strength.
Be well. Live and move and have your being in the One that made you. Seek opportunity to create, to connect, to give. Allow yourself space to reflect on the One that set the stars in the sky. To hear and see His voice in those things you do but more importantly in those that are brought into your sphere by the Creator of all that is.
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