I don't want to today

 Perhaps one of the most frustrating things right now is that so much has to still be done and it's all things that no one ever wants to have to do.  Each day brings with it a whole set of tasks, questions, and feelings that I would just as soon pretend didn't exist, and that's really not an option.  I can't pretend they are not there, I can't just put them off, there is no just shutting the door and pulling the covers up, and yet sometimes that's all I want to do shut the door and pull up the covers and pretend that all the monsters are just not there, but they are and these ones aren't even bothering to hide under the bed or in the closet.  They're right there, teeth and claws and creepy smiles constantly watching and waiting for the moment when a lull in the day shows up and they can just watch and intimidate and taunt.  

You all know the monsters that I'm talking about by now, if you don't well I guess it's possible to give a run down for you if need be.  There's the one with the red eyes,  he's the angry one and he seems to always be around watching these days.  Lets not forget the green eyed monster he and the red eyed one seem to be best friends and they laugh and taunt me all the time, when I see people going about their day as if the world is allowed to move on, or like today coming out of Walmart watching a guy walk in with his daughter hand in hand and that green eyed one just smiled his big fang filled grin and laughed.  Then theirs the pale skinned black eyed one that sits there and seems to know just the right time to run it's fingers along the base of my skull and then around under my eyelids pulling and tugging at the tears that are all to ready to come. 

All these monsters are just there refusing to do what good monsters do, refusing to hide, refusing to wait till I'm asleep to start their work of invading my dreams.  Living nightmares that tend to enjoy their craft way too much. 

One of the things that I know, as a person who pretty much talks for a living in one form or another among the other things I do is that we are way to uncomfortable with silence.  For some reason we think that we need to fill every ounce of it, especially when we are trying to or want to comfort someone.  I've done it, mainly because people tend to want answers and I mean lets face it people with my vocation are expected to have them, except when there are really no answers that seem right.  Which is where I am and where we are now.  Living in this space where the monsters don't hide, and the people around us tiptoe around because they need to, and the ones that don't tend to not realize that words don't really work.  

When Job is arguing with God about how bad his life was, and how much he had lost, and about how it wasn't fair, which I mean lets be clear it wasn't, God sat Job down and asked him some questions and when Job was given a chance to respond he just said "I put my hand on my mouth I have said too much."  Job's using that in the face of God who is reminding Job that well he's God not Job. The thing is there is wisdom in Job's statement that all of us could really learn from. It's okay to not have words to speak, it's okay to not have the answers, it's okay to admit when things don't make sense.  We always want answers and yet there are so many things that we will never really have answers too and we have to be okay with that, but sometimes, just sometimes I think one of the reasons we don't and won't get answers is because there are times when the answers would serve no purpose whatsoever in the grand scheme of things. We want to know why and sometimes why isn't really an issue, or at least shouldn't be.  The problem is we always push on trying to dig deeper, to find out more to know it, all of it, especially when all of it is a big ball of mess like now.  We struggle for meaning and in that struggle we press on to find out all the details and well.  Sometimes I think God knows that details in the worse of spaces only serve to make the pain, sadness, all that big ball of mess I'm talking about, worse and so there is this thing of trust in him.  I don't know and I will never know and why am I trying to know.  Why try and make sense of something so senseless.  Why try and fill the space with words of understanding when there really is no way to possibly understand things like this. I know people want to help make sense of this whole mess, I know they want to say some words that will make an impact, that will serve to push us forward and bring back the things that God is to our lives...to my life.  But that's just it I don't think God is pushing for me to understand or to know the why. I think he is sitting up there looking down with tears in his eyes as he sees us suffering and sad and upset and I think he's perfectly okay with the fact that right now I'm mad at him, and I think he understands why it's so hard to pray right now.  I don't think he's mad about any of that at all.  I think he's just as upset as we are, just as heart broken, just as angry even.   Maybe that's something I'm telling myself because the alternative is so anti what I have come to know and believe about God.  

Which brings me back to the title I guess of this particular post.  

I don't want to today...I told Joyce that when I was with her earlier.  I just don't want to, I want to pull the covers up over my head and tell the world to go away.  To forget I exist while I spend a whole day forgetting it exists.  The problem is Today always seems to creep in, it always wins, it always has it's to do list for me and that to do list gets longer and longer, and I work at it chipping away at what has to be done to make it to the end of the day when, in theory anyway, I can close my eyes and let the blankness of sleep brain craft a different reality that is not this one.  Where there's no such thing as corn trucks, and rural roads, and seat belts and air bags and cars and..and...and.  

So dear reader, if you are reading this and wondering, if you are a friend that doesn't know what to say, if you just feel like yo should call or text or write on Facebook or whatever and you keep stopping yourself it's okay.  I am not as responsive as I should be and you don't have the words and sometimes, admitting that you don't have the words is more than enough when dealing with someone that's creeping around trying to hide from the monsters and is finding that they always know exactly where I am and they are always waiting with those sickening grins that know it all look in their eyes as they smack their lips and wait for the feast that comes from the ones that are lost and angry and tired and scared.

See you around the blog.

A