Rage against

 You've heard some day's are better than others right?  I mean come on we have all heard that statement.  It's an interesting one and for the majority of life this is a true statement for most people.  I would go so far as to say that there are times for everyone that this is true. There are good days, and there are bad days.  Some day's things are all good and some day's you kinda want to just act like the day never happened. 

The question is what happens when no day's are better than others.  When each day brings with it a new or added frustration or anxiety, or sadness.  When all your reservers are spent, when that Jenga block tower is teetering precariously and one of those monsters I was talking about in the last post looks at you with a sly grin and a wink and slowly drops another block in place, the tower teetering teetering teetering, only to settle down and with a smile the monster looks and whispers in that sickly sweet creepy singsong voice..."Your turn..." It's in that moment when you're faced with the next move that you take the block from the tower and you really do want it to fall, to tumble down and be reduced to nothing, because at least then you don't have the anxiety and pressure and worry and all the things that go with not wanting to make the tower fall but also wishing it would so that you didn't have to be anymore, didn't have to pretend that things were going to eventually get better, didn't have to try and keep building the tower when the foundation of that tower is so compromised because one more block has been removed from the foundation and all is not where it should be. 

If the tower falls the game is over yes but there is also a sigh of relief disappointment sure, but  also release.  The problem is in this game of Jenga that we are engaged in there really is no feasible way for the tower to fall so that there can be a bit of breathing room.  It just seems to get increasingly taller, infeasibly so, it's like it defies the very laws of how things should work and still the blocks are removed and stacked up higher and higher, swaying and moving and I feel like I'm staggering and trying to keep it all balanced and keep things in perspective and keep as strong as is possible in this time and it's exhausting and I'm tried and I'm sad and I'm full of this anger and rage that just is waiting to crash to the surface and overwhelm everyone that gets in my way. 

The hard part about this is I know that it's not really an acceptable way to deal with what's going on.  Losing my cool on someone I know or someone I don't know because of what is just is not even remotely okay and yet I find myself ready to.  It's like I want someone to say something, anything that I can then poke at and come down on and freak out about.  Letting the poor unsuspecting person have both barrels of anger and rage and in doing so somehow it will be okay.  Like the tension will be released and if I can just do that then I'll wake up and it will be a different day, a different time, a different universe where this is all just some horrid messed up nightmare. 

The problem with that scenario is that no matter how many times I find myself drifting off to sleep I never wake up to a different universe than the one we are in so I pick up another block and set it down on the pile and wait for whatever monster has been chosen to play after me. 

I'm tired so very tired, so very frustrated, so very sad and full of this rage, I'm not even sure I would need gamma radiation to turn green at this point, just drop one more block of some messed up thing on top of the tower and agro won't begin to cover what would happen, and yet even as I say that I fully understand that it's simply not an option to allow that type of response, so I'll relegate my rage against all that is in life right now to these pages and a select few that can handle me raw and unfiltered.  

I don't like this Aaron I can tell you that much, and even though I know it's okay to be this Aaron right now, even though I know that it's justified and no one is judging me for it I'm judging myself. I always do but in this instance there is so much that I keep seeing and feeling and thinking when it comes to me is it any wonder that I'm so close to crumbling that everyone that takes a moment to see or read realizes that I'm not okay. 

I don't even mind not being okay.  What I mind is not really being able to see the path to a semblance of okay, and yes I do know that's to be expected I can accept that things look like this for the foreseeable future but I also know that something has to give.  There has to be a pressure valve somewhere that I can open and when I get it opened things at least become less tight.

And so dear reader I guess I ask that if you see me and my eyes look sad or I seem to be stumbling about in a fog you know it's okay to touch my shoulder and bring me back to myself.  I may not like being in this time and place but sometimes we have to face the peril.